Yet Another Old JOW #1174

 It’s weird being the same age as old people.  I admit to being a ‘senior’ but resist being called ‘elderly’.  The difference, as I am fond of saying, is that seniors talk about their aches and pains and the elderly talk about their operations and procedures.  I admit I was feeling pretty creaky after hearing the TV reporter say, "To contact me, go to my Facebook page, follow me on Twitter, or try me the old-fashioned way-e-mail."  I try not let my age define me, but the side effects are getting harder to ignore.  I have gone from eating pigs in a blanket to being a pig in a blanket.  But there is a humorous side to all this old stuff.  Like these jokes.

 

When I was younger if I dropped something I just picked it up.  Now I stare at it and try to decide if I actually need it.

 

There are some advantages to getting older.  A nice young man from India will often call me up just to because he is very concerned about my car warranty.

 

Gray Pride. 

We’re old.

We’re tired.

Get off our lawn.

 

When young people tell me how tough it is I tell them how I survived without a cell phone and the internet for fifty years.   I may not know how to TicTok, but I can write in cursive, do long division, and tell time on analog clocks, so there’s that.

 

Everything's starting to click for me these days.  My knees, my elbows, my neck …   It’s like the ‘check engine’ light on my body has come on.

 

Listening to the Eagles, I’m not sure what to do:  “Take it Easy” or “Take it to the Limit.”

The location of my musical choices have changed.

When I was 16 my favorite songs were on the radio.

When I was 21 I heard my songs in my favorite bar.

Now I hear my favorite songs in the grocery store.

 

An old guy got carded at the liquor store. While he was taking out his ID, his old Blockbuster card fell out. The clerk shook his head, said, “Never mind,” and rang him up.

 

I hear there is a new blockbuster movie coming out with Harrison Ford, who is getting up there in years.  Maybe they should call it:  Indiana Jones and the Afternoon Nap

 

Saw an older friend in the store for the first time in a while.  I asked how her husband was.

“He’s gone,” she relied, meaning he had passed on.

Thinking she meant he had gone on a trip I thoughtlessly replied,

“Why didn’t you go with him?”

Ooops.

+++++++++++++

·         What happens when a woman ages out of being a cougar?  She becomes a Def Leppard.

·         The inventor of autocorrect died yesterday.  The funeral will be held tomato

·         When does the ‘old enough to know better’ kick in?

·         One of the shortest wills ever written: "Being of sound mind, I spent all the money." 

 

Seeing her friend Sally wearing a new locket, Meg asks if there is a memento of some sort inside.

“Yes,” says Sally, “A lock of my husband’s hair.”

“But Larry’s still alive.”

“I know, but his hair is gone.”

 

"Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, an elderly man and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table.
"Young man, we're both 90 years old," he told the maître d'. "We may not have 45 minutes."
They were seated immediately.

 

Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, “That is really nice. After all these years that you have been married, you keep calling your wife those pet names.”

Morris hung his head and whispered, “To tell the truth, I forgot her name three years ago.”

 

We do not throw away perfectly good food in my house.  We wrap it carefully in aluminum foil and put it in the refrigerator for a couple of weeks until it spoils.

*Then* we throw it away.

 

After a 91-year-old woman finished having her hair cut and shaped, the stylist announced, “There, now you look ten years younger.”

The old lady, un­impressed, replied, “Who wants to look 81 years old?”

 

“This is your great-grandma and great grandpa,” I told my grandson as I handed him a photo of my parents. “Do you think I look like them?”

He shook his head. “Not yet.”

 

"For my grandmother's 80th birthday, we had a huge family celebration and even managed to get a photo announcement printed in the local paper.

"That was a nice shot," I commented.
"It's my passport picture," she revealed.
"Really?" I stared in amazement at my homebody grandma. "Where did you go?"
"Walgreens," she replied. "

 

To my friend's astonishment, a police car pulled up to her house and her elderly grand-father got out. The patrolman explained that the old gentleman had been lost in the city park and had asked for help.
"Why, Grandfather," my friend said, "you've been going there for 40 years. How could you get lost?"
The old man smiled slyly. "Wasn't exactly lost," he admitted. "I just got tired of walking."

 

And at long last…

Bob, age 92, and Mary, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. While out for a stroll to discuss the wedding they pass a drugstore. Bob suggests they go in.
Bob asks to speak to the pharmacist. He explains they're about to get married, and asks,
"Do you sell heart medication?"
"Of course we do," the pharmacist replies.
"Medicine for rheumatism?"
"Definitely," he says.
"Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"
"Yes, the works."
"What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antacids?"
"Absolutely."
"Do you sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
"All speeds and sizes."
"Good," Bob says to the pharmacist. "We'd like to register for our wedding gifts here, please."