Administrative JOW #1175

I am going to start this week with a few quick, unrelated jokes.

 

My sense of humor is probably due to unresolved childhood trauma.

 

Now that St. Patrick’s Day is past everyone can go back to their original nationality… until May 5^th.

 

I got a wish from a Leprechaun.  I played it safe and told him I just wanted to be happy.

Now I am working in a mine with six other dwarves.   

 

Mr. Peanut’s last words: “I’ll be back in a Jif.”

 

Nothing ruins a Friday more than an understanding that today is Tuesday.

 

Taco Bell Sign: Now Hiring Managers.

[Two weeks later …] Taco Bell Sign: Now Hiring Managers. Background Checks Required.

 

Here’s some advice: At a job interview, tell them you’re willing to give 110 percent. Unless the job is a statistician. 

 

Sometimes I like to sit my dog down for a performance review, just to remind him who’s boss.

 

Why is it that no one is ever the correct amount of ‘whelmed’?

George Washington is the only president to not blame the previous administration for his problems

 

I’m pretty sure the dinosaurs died out when they stopped gathering food and started having meetings to discuss gathering food. 

 

Kale is such a versatile vegetable.   It fits in any size trash can.

 

Potatoes, on the other hand, provide loads of vitamins, minerals, and nutrients.  And you can have them fried, roasted, or baked and loaded up with all sorts of delicious things. And they make potato chips, and French fries, and vodka.  It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.

 

I learned the average person has nine alcoholic drinks a week.  It is so nice to above average in something.

 

My memory has gotten so bad it has actually caused me to lose my job. I’m still employed. I just can’t remember where.

 

Some office jokes

Scene: The break room.

Coworker #1 pulls out a bottle of vitamins.

Coworker #2: What’s that?

Coworker #1: Vitamin D.

Coworker #2: Why do you take that?

Coworker #1: Because we live in Ohio, and we never see the sun.

Coworker #2: Wait a minute … they make a vitamin that gives you a tan?

~~~~~

Employee #1: I wouldn’t eat caviar. That’s fish eggs!

Employee #2: I’d try it. After all, I eat chicken eggs.

Employee #3: You eat chicken eggs?!

 

Our boss asked the new intern to make three copies of an office key. The guy returned ten minutes later with the copies … which he’d made on the Xerox machine. 

 

To resolve conflicts between management and staff, a facilitator brought both sides together and asked employees to jot down key words on a flip chart. One participant complained about management’s tendency to interfere and wrote the word nitpicking. A manager leaped to his feet to ask, “Shouldn’t there be a hyphen between nit and picking?”

 

The boss was known as a stickler for good spelling. So when an associate e-mailed technical documents and asked her to “decifer” them, she had to set him straight.

“Decipher is spelled with a ph, not an f,” she wrote. “In case you’ve forgotten, spellchecker comes free with your Microsoft program.”  

A minute later came his reply: “Must be dephective.”

 

Client to designer: “It doesn’t really look purple. It looks more like a mixture of red and blue.”

 

Same Client: The blue looks OK, but it would be great if it was a little more orange. Like “blorange.”

 

We were making leaflets for a local church, and the client wanted a logo designed with Earth being shielded by the hand of God. I sent the client a proof. Shortly thereafter, got a call. Client: The hand looks too human. Please use a hand that looks more like God’s. 

 

The tech was trying to fix the office Internet connection.  An employee in the other room called out for the computer password.

“Start with a capital S, then 123,” the tech shouted back.

They tried S123 several times, but it didn’t work. So they called the tech in. As he input the password, he muttered, “I really don’t know what’s so difficult about typing Start123.”

 

System administrators should be called LANlords.

 

Irate tenant talking to his landlord about the late rent:

 “So ... you’re talking to me only because the rent’s not paid? Is that all I am to you? A tenant?” 

 

I guess this is what happens after you’ve worked at the same place for a while: an employee began his shift at a restaurant by walking into the kitchen area and calling out, “Honey, I’m home!” 

 

An insurance agent called the medical office. One of the doctors had filled out a medically necessary leave-of-absence form for a patient, but, the agent said, the patient had altered it. The giveaway? The return-to-work date had been changed to February 30. 

 

The maternity ward was quiet, there were few babies there and only one boy.  Thus the nurse on duty smiled when she saw a harried man come in with a floral arrangement wrapped in blue ribbons proclaiming ‘It’s a boy.’

Gesturing to the baby boy she asked, “Does he look like you?”

“I hope not,” he said. “I just deliver flowers.”

 

And finally

A mathematician, and physicist, and an engineer are asked to find the volume of a red rubber ball.

The mathematician knows that the volume of a sphere has been mathematically determined so he measures the radius and puts it into the proper formula.

The physicist knows that Archimedes discovered how to determine the volume of an object so he submerges it in water and record the change in water level.

The engineer finds the number on the ball then pulls out their book of red rubber balls and finds its specifications.