Boys & Girls JOW #1180

 

The eternal battle between men and women has long been a rich source of humor.  I have a few jokes this week based more or less on gender conflict.  I hope you they bring a smile.

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Remember ladies.  If he isn’t wearing a diaper, you can’t change him.

 

Old man:  “When I die I’m gonna leave everything you.”

Old wife: “You already do.”

 

I’m pretty sure women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men do actually thinking.

 

Men: the discrete bulge women find most attractive is a fat wallet.

 

Boobs are proof that men can concentrate on more than one thing at a time.

 

Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

 

Famous quote: ‘She’s not that ugly’ – Jack Daniels

 

I tried a little flirting just to see if I still have it.  I don’t.

 

The wizard of Oz was really a chick flick.  It’s about two women fighting over a pair of shoes

The real Cat Woman doesn’t look like Julie Newmar.  More like Edith Bunker - with lots & lots of cats.

 

Never bother a woman who is looking for the answer to her problems in the bottom of a pint of ice cream.  Also avoid a woman who is drinking wine straight from the bottle.

 

“Honey, I broke a glass in the kitchen.  There is glass on the floor.”

“I’ll bring a broom.”

“It’s not that urgent.  You can come on foot.”

 

Mom brought in my dad’s urn and placed it on the mantle.  It was a bittersweet moment for everyone, especially my dad who was sitting there watching sports.

 

Have you noticed that gender reveal parties have suddenly become a bit more diverse lately?

 

The fastest land mammal is a toddler who has just been asked what’s in his mouth.

 

Never underestimate the power of a hug.  Or in some cases, a slap upside the head.  Whichever works.

 

If you are worried about Alexa listening to your conversation, they make a male version.  He never listens to anything.

 

An ‘Over the Rainbow’ conversation:

“I miss Kansas, Toto; and Boston, and Styx, and ZZ Top, Journey, and Oasis.”

 

Why Men Are Happier

·         Men can play with toys all their life. – Although this is changing; women can too, now.

·         Men can wear shorts no matter what their legs look like.

·         Men have one wallet and one pair of shoes which are good for every season.

·         Men can get ready to go out in ten minutes flat.

·         Men can choose whether or not to grow a mustache.

·         Men can "do" their fingernails with a pocket knife.

·         Men wake up looking like they did when they went to bed.  Women’s somehow decline.

·         Men only have to shave their faces and necks.

·         Men can keep the same hairstyle for years, even decades.

·         Men can do their Christmas shopping on Christmas Eve in an hour.

·         For men, wrinkles add character.

·         Men can go on a week's vacation and pack only one suitcase.

·         Men's new shoes don't cause blisters, or cut or mangle their feet.

·         Men don't have to stop and think which way to turn a screw.

·         Men can open all their own jars.

·         Men have one mood all the time.

·         A wedding dress costs over $5000. A tuxedo rental - 100 bucks

·         Weddings take care of themselves.

·         Men's last name never changes.

 

A man and woman are going at it in bed, when they hear a car out front.

The woman quickly says, "Hurry, out the window, it's my husband."
Frightened, the man grabs his pants and starts trying to get them on whilst climbing out the window.
Suddenly, he turns around and states
"Hang on, I'm your husband. Why would you say that?"
To which she responds
"So why did you try to run?"

 

A man and woman were in bed together.

The man wrapped his arms around the woman and said "Honey, am I the first man you've ever made love to?"

The woman sighed and said "Why does everyone ask me that?!"

 

Man and woman are out on a dinner date.

Waiter: "What will you be having tonight ma'am?"
Woman: "I'll have the salad, no nuts please."
Waiter: "Of course."
Man: "But it didn't say it had nuts."
Woman: "I'm allergic, so I tell them just to be safe."
Man: "That makes sense."
Waiter: "And for you, sir?"
Man: "I'll have the steak, no bees please."

 

An older couple are in a new relationship discussing boundaries

The man says: ‘So... What about sex? Is that on the table?’
The woman says: ‘No it’s in the bed.’

She then asks: ‘How often?’

‘Infrequently’, he replied.

‘Is that one word or two?’

 

A man and woman die on their way to get married.

They find themselves in a long line before the Pearly Gates. They spend time talking as they wait and decide to see if they can get married in heaven.
When it's their turn at the gate they ask St Peter if they even can get married in heaven.
"That's a good question. Wait here and I will get you an answer"
St Peter leaves the couple and a very long wait ensues. Finally St Peter returns. He look exhausted and worn.
"Ok" he says "you can get married in heaven, go on in"
"But wait! Eternity is a long time. What if things don't work out? Can we get a divorce in heaven?" They ask.
St Peter levels an angry glare at the couple.
"If it took me that long to find a priest in heaven, if you want a lawyer you can go to hell."

 

A young man and woman hit it off at a gathering and the conversation soon turns to talking about their families. The girl sighs and says, “I'm sure that wherever my dad is, he's looking down on us.”

“I’m sorry”, the boy says sympathetically.

”Oh, he's not dead.” replies the girl, “He’s just very condescending.”