Attention Deficit JOW #1185

 It seems to be a compressed world these days.  Everything happens abruptly – it is as though the whole world is on Ritalin.  Nobody is able to focus on anything for long.   People complain that kids these days don’t have any attention span, yet they get upset when you want to send kids to concentration camps.  I myself don’t have a short attention span; it’s just that I really enjoy changing the subject.  That is why my JOW this week are pretty much all quick hitters.  I hope you can stay concentrated long enough to enjoy them.

+++++=

I just heard that they are making new TV’s for people with short attention spans.  It’s going to have 20x as many pixels as 4k.  It's called 80HD.

 

I asked for some water at an IKEA store. They gave me some hydrogen and oxygen 

 

Lance is an uncommon name today, but back in King Arthur’s time people were named Lance a lot.

 

How does my mind work?  I saw a rhino and thought it was an armored assault unicorn

 

Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.

 

She was only a moonshiner's daughter, but I miss her still.

 

What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled.

 

Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? Swarm.

 

Just so everyone is clear, I’m going to put my glasses on.

 

I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene.

 

Never buy flowers from a monk. Only you can prevent florist friars.

 

How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.

 

I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough.

 

My friends and I have named our band ‘Duvet’. It’s a cover band.

 

Have you ever seen the Grand Canyon?  It’s just gorges.

 

So much for those Ancestry tests.  All I got back was a bunch of nuts and crackers.

 

I lost my girlfriend’s audiobook, and now I’ll never hear the end of it.

 

Why is ‘dark’ spelled with a k and not c? Because you can’t "c" in the dark.

 

Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock? Well, time will tell.

 

Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the bartender says, “Oh no, not U2 again.

 

Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk, and the result was staggering.

 

I’m trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.

 

Alcohol allows you to run away from your problems without actually moving.

 

I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.

 

 Silence can never be misquoted

 

Don’t be part of the problem.  Be the whole damn thing

 

What do you say to comfort a friend who’s struggling with grammar? There, their, they’re.

 

I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarzenegger dolls are and he replied, “Aisle B, back.”

 

Q: Which weighs more, a kilo of water or a kilo of butane?

A: Butane is a lighter fluid.

 

Q: What's Forrest Gump's email password?

A: 1Forrest1.

 

Q: Why did the can crusher quit his job?

A: Because it was soda pressing.

 

On Facebook: ‘I can’t wait for warm summer nights on the patio’. 

300 mosquitos liked your posting.

 

Why is lemonade made from artificial flavorings but furniture polish is made from real lemons.

 

Kid - “There is one thing that really scares me on Halloween.”

Teacher – “Which is?”

Kid – “Exactly”           

 

I just finished my latest book about all the things I ought to have done.  I call it my Oughtobiography

 

Most people are unaware that you can read something on the internet and simply move on with your life.

 

The local weatherman broke his arms and legs.  He had to call in from the hospital to explain his four casts.

 

Accordion to recent studies over 90% of people do not realize I replaced the beginning word of this sentence with an instrument.  You have my symphony

 

Some of us are so old we can remember going a whole day without taking a picture of anything.

 

That moment when you open the microwave to reheat a cup of coffee and discover the one you lost yesterday morning….

 

Nothing ruins a cup of coffee like someone saying things like, “Who are you? And why are you drinking coffee in my kitchen?”

 

The nothing is more pleasant than the sound of a child laughing.  Unless it is 2:00 AM. And you don’t have any children.

 

Miley Cyrus can dance around nearly nude and lick a hammer and it’s called ‘art’.  When I do it I get kicked out of Home Depot.

 

Sure, it’s fine to eat a test grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chick and it’s all “Sir, you need to leave.”

 

It turns out that when ask who your favorite child is you’re supposed to pick one of your own.  I know that now.

 

The economy is so bad that today even Dirty Deeds are no longer Done Dirt Cheap

 

“A Frenchman walks into a library and asks for a book on warfare.

The librarian replies, ‘You’ll only lose it.’

And a couple of jokes to wrap things up.

My friend told me he broke up with his girlfriend.

I asked why.

“She just didn’t work out.”

I asked him to be more specific.

“Like I told you – she never exercised.”

~~~~

I lost my watch at a club.  I looked around and sure enough I saw it on the floor but there was some dude standing on it.  He was in an altercation with his date.  Sudden he just slapped her.  That’s when I sprang into action and decked the guy.  Because you don’t hit a woman.  Not on my watch.