Critter JOW #1187

 Ruth wound up tending to an abandoned baby bird this week.  My wife has the knack for caring for anything hurt and this reputation apparently now extends to all of God’s creatures.  So I thought to make my jokes this week about critters.  I have been accused of making bad puns about animals by others but I think it's a turtle over reaction. It’s just being shellfish and it's giving me a bad haddock. I mean, I don't do them on porpoise...

Anyway, here are a few jokes about animals.

 

Tonight I made salmon for supper.  As it was gently cooking the fish a warm bath of garlic, herbs, lemon, wine, and onion I got a visit from a Fish and Wildlife officer. He said “Sir we have reason to believe that salmon has been poached”

 

To save money California is combining the Department of Fish and Wildlife and the Highway Patrol. The new department is called the Department of Fish and Chips.

 

Did you hear about the guy who made giraffe and elephant jam?

He called it Wildlife Preserve.

 

For sale: Dead Canary.

Not going cheep.

 

 What bird can be heard at mealtimes?

A swallow.

 

The early bird might get the worm…

But the second mouse gets the cheese.

 

My email password has been hacked. That's the third time I've had to rename the cat.

 

I enjoy painting wildlife.

But the rabbits leave hair on my paint rollers.

 

I started working at the large wildlife crematorium

And now I’m urning the big bucks.

 

What do you call a penguin in the desert?
Lost.

 

One year I dressed up my dog as a mailman for Halloween. He bit himself.

The next year I dressed him up as a cat.  Now he won’t come.

 

The size of the wildlife at construction sites is huge.

I mean, just look at the size of those cranes.

 

The World Wildlife Fund has stated that if humans keep fishing at the current pace, there will be no more fish left in the oceans by 2048.

Which is going to make it really difficult to give a comforting analogy to someone who is going through a relationship break-up.

 

What does an arctic wildlife photographer get from sitting around too long on the ice?

Polaroids.

 

An elephant drinking from a stream spots a tortoise lounging on the shore. He grabs it with his trunk and flings it into the jungle. A passing zebra asks, "Why did you do that?"

"Forty years ago that very tortoise nipped my tail just for fun," the elephant said.

"Wow, forty years ago! How did you remember that?"

"Well I have turtle recall," replied the elephant.

 

What kind of bees eat brains?

Zombees.

 

Why did the bee go to the doctor?

Because he had hives.

 

Why is a bee's hair always sticky?
Because it uses a honey comb!

 

A wildlife biologist walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Did you know that bats actually aren't blind?" he mentioned to the bartender.

"Well that makes sense," the bartender agrees. "That must be why they are so good at hitting baseballs."

 

Here are a few ‘horse walked into a bar’ jokes.

A pony walked into a bar.

The bartender said, "Hey."

The pony said, "You read my mind, buddy.  It is kind of bland but I need a stable diet."

So the bartender got some hay for the pony.  Trying to make conversation the bartender said “Why is your voice so gruff and growly?”

“Well”, the pony said, “I am a little horse.  “Say, do you have anything to read in here?”

Figuring the pony was pretty smart the bartender fetched him a book by the philosopher Descartes.

The pony read the tome with interest.  After a bit the bartender asked if the pony needed anything else.

“I think not,” said the pony, and *poof* he was gone.

“You fool!” exclaimed a customer.  “You put Descartes before the horse.”

 

Here are a few miscellaneous jokes I collected over time.

I know have one of those metabolisms where I can eat anything I want and still get fat.

 

Stalking – When two people go for a long romantic walk but only one of them knows about it.

 

Apple pie in the Bahamas cost $4.  The same pie costs $5 in Jamaica.  These are the pie rates of the Caribbean

 

 "He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination.”

Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

 

How do the other deadly sins feel about Pride getting its own month?

 

Does anyone else notice that the ‘& sign looks like a person draggling their butt on the ground?

 

Teacher - “Johnny, use the word ‘gruesome’ in a sentence.”

Johnny – “I used to be short but then I grew some.”

 

The problem with living alone is that it’s always your turn to do the dishes.

 

Being a waiter isn’t glamorous, it puts food on the table.

 

These days I still want to run wild and live life to the fullest. But I also want to be in bed by 1000 PM.

 

My wife keeps telling everyone that she can read their minds, but she never can. She’s telepathetic.

 

A zookeeper wanted to buy some new animals from another wildlife park.

She began to write a letter.

Dear Sir, We are a recently opened zoo and are looking to purchase two mooses.

‘No that doesn't sound right.’ She though and tried again.

We are looking to purchase two meese.

‘No that can't be right either.’

She made another try.

Dear Sir, I wish to inquire about purchasing a moose. Kind Regards.
P.S. Please send another moose along with the first.

And finally:

England is finally honoring its longest river entirely in its border by making repairs to the over  navigation locks, improving the many drinking water systems, abstracting flow from its discharge into the sea, and providing for wildlife sanctuaries near the coast.

The people will vote on the entire referendum poised to fund the project.
It's called the Bond...the Thames Bond....