Wedded JOW #1186

 There are a lot of recurring themes in my long-running Jokes of the Week.   One of them is the eternal battle of the genders.  In this case I have a bunch of little jokes on the topic which I hope amuse you.

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Marriage can be fun some of the time.  The trouble is that you are married all the time.

 

Before marriage a man years for his woman.  After the marriage the ‘y’ is silent.

 

Marriage is not just a word.  It is a sentence.

 

Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings ... and lawyers. —Richard Pryor

 

Marriage Counselor: So, what brings you here today?

Wife: He takes everything literally.  I can’t stand it.

Husband: We came in my truck.

 

Son: Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of the world a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her. Father: Son, that's true everywhere.

 

Every man wants a beautiful wife, a smart wife, a loving wife, a sexy wife, and a cooperative wife. Sadly, bigamy is against the law.

 

I just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?

 

Did you know there are no canaries on the Canary Islands?  Same thing about the Virgin Islands; no canaries there, either.

 

If it weren’t for marriage women would have to spend most of their adult life arguing with strangers.

 

Her:  Don’t get me started.  I don’t come with brakes.

 

Man: “How much for these Golden Circles of Enslavement?”

Sales Clerk: “Sir, those are called wedding rings.”

 

Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

 

Q: What’s the difference between love and marriage?

A: Love is blind and marriage is an eye-opener.

 

 “Am we in our golden years?” asked an older wife.

 “Not at all,” Her husband assured her. “But we are yellowing fast.”

 

My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment.

A man and woman were at a bar

Man: Hey, how about I offer you a drink
Woman: No thanks, they are bad for my legs
Man: Do they swell?
Woman: No, they spread.

Or as Dorothy Parker put it:

I enjoy an occasional cocktail

Or maybe two at the most.

With three I’m under the table

With four I’m under my host.

 

A man and woman go to the courthouse to get a divorce.

The judge asks why they want a divorce.
The woman says that they are too compatible. She explains how they like the same movies, music, sports, books, and hobbies.
The judge perplexed asks why this is grounds for divorce.
“The compatibility is just too much.  We even like the same men.”

 

An old man and woman meet at a nursing home and decide to get married.

The nursing home doctor suggests they each get a physical before tying the knot.
The doctor examines the woman first. When the man comes in, the doctor tells him, "Before we begin, I should tell you that your fiancée has acute angina."
"I know, doc. I've seen it several times already. That's why I'm marrying her!"

 

One friend complained to another, "All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I've lost 20 pounds."
"If it's that bad, why don't you just leave him?" asked the second friend.
"I'd like to lose another 15 pounds first."

 

Scene: A conversation between two of my friends.
Friend #1: Are you visiting us tomorrow? Do you need directions?
Friend #2: I'm all set. I have the address, a GPS, and a GPS override.
Friend #1: What's a GPS override?
Friend #2: My wife.

 

A daughter announced to her parents that was getting married.

The excited mother said, “You have to have the rehearsal dinner someplace opulent, where there’s dancing.”

The father, seeing where this was heading, said, “I’ll pay you a thousand dollars to elope.”

“And you have to have a breakfast, for the people who are coming from out of town.”

“Five thousand.”

“We’ll need a photographer. Oh, and what colors do you want for the reception?”

“Ten thousand!”

They eloped to Mexico.

 

A weeping woman bursts into her hypnotherapist’s office and declares, “Doctor, I have been faithful to my husband for 15 years, but yesterday I broke that trust and had an affair! The guilt is killing me. I just want to forget that it ever happened!”

The hypnotherapist shook his head. “Not again …” 

 

A six-year-old asked, “Did you marry Dad because he was good-looking?”

“Not really,” the mother replied.

“Did you marry him for his money?”

“Definitely not,” she laughed. “He didn’t have any.”

“So,” the young daughter said, “Did you just feel sorry for him?”

 

During a heartfelt chat with her friend about relationships, a woman sighed and said, "You know, if something happened to my husband, I don't think I could ever marry again."

Her friend nodded sympathetically. "I know what you mean," she said. "Once is enough."

 

A man was standing in front of the bathroom mirror one evening admiring his reflection, when he posed this question to his wife of 30 years: “Will you still love me when I’m old, fat, and balding?”

She answered, “I do.” 

 

After Adam stayed out late a few nights, Eve became suspicious.
"You’re running around with another woman— admit it!" she demanded.
"What other woman?" Adam shot back. "You’re it!"
That night, Adam was fast asleep when he was awakened by Eve poking him in the chest.
"What are you doing?"
"Counting your ribs."

 

Which brings to mind a semi-related note, my last joke.

 

In the Garden of Eden - God presented Adam with the First Woman.

“Adam, this is your mate, Eve.”

Adam said “She is lovely.  But who is that?” pointing to a hairy, bedraggled figure on a nearby palm tree.

“Oh, him,” shrugged God dismissively, “That’s Keith Richards.  He was there when I got here.”