International JOW #1190

 

International joke week was last week, but what with Fourth of July and new grandkid and all I am just now getting to some international jokes.  I hope these bring a smile.

 

The last time I traveled overseas I carried a money belt full of money around my middle.  It was a waist of cash.

 

A man walks into a bar......and lost the international limbo championship.

 

Yoda is actually of Swiss descent.  His last name is Lahehoo

 

Charcuterie is French for ‘I’d like a sandwich but without any bread.

 

Who is the leader of international public health?

Yes, yes it is.

 

Have you heard of the international bathroom?

When you go there, you're Russian.
Once there, European.
At the end, you're Finnish.

 

A Russian psychic and a Polish psychic were invited do to provide their visions for the future of their opposing countries.

The Russian went into a trance and come out shaking her head.

“I see a Ukraine that is shattered, the people poor and hopeless.  Their buildings are in ruins.”

The Polish psychic then did his cast into the near future.

He came out of it smiling.  “I saw Moscow, and it was wonderful.  The people were prosperous and free, everyone was relaxed and smiling, and there were wonderful lighted signs everywhere.”

“What did the signs say?” asked the smirking Russian.

“I am not sure.  I do not read Ukrainian very well.”

 

At an international scout camp, three boys were talking about where babies come from.

A German boy said that the stork brings babies, while a French boy said it involved the mother and father. The American boy was silent.
After some prodding, he finally said “Well, with us it depends on whether you’re from a red state or a blue one.”

 

A big guy was standing at the bar in the International Airport when this small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to him, and starts drinking a beer

The big man asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate, or Ju-Jitsu?" 
the little Chinese guy says "No, why the hell would you ask me that? Is it because I am Chinese?" 
"No", the large man said, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little prick."

 

Security officer: If you find a USB outside, don't bring it into the office

Me (taking notes): Note to self: Only bring international bees into the office

(When the inventor of the USB stick dies, I bet they will lower him into the grave, then have to turn it around to make it fit.)

 

Okay, enough with that.  Here are some unrelated jokes.

 

As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will remember never to trust Google maps

 

Six cows were smoking joints and playing poker. The steaks were pretty high.  But not as high as when they served beef on the International Space Station.

 

Why isn’t there a pregnant Barbie?  Because Ken comes in another box.

 

I have become obsessed with collecting Beatles albums.

So far I've got 17 Revolvers, 8 Rubber Souls, 25 Sergeant Peppers, 6 Hard Days Nights, 12 White Albums, 14 Abbey Roads, 7 Yellow Submarines, 5 Let It Be's, 9 Please Please Me's, a couple of With The Beatles, 3 Beatles For Sale’s, and even a Magical Mystery Tour, but it’s not enough.
I need HELP!

 

And finally, a longer international joke to wrap things up.

 

On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are suddenly stranded by, as you might expect, a shipwreck: 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman

2 French men and 1 French woman

2 German men and 1 German woman

2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman

2 English men and 1 English woman

2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman

2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman

2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman

2 American men and 1 American woman

And

2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman.

One month later on these same absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred. ..

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a ménage-a-trois.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German.

The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean, another long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming.

The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a restaurant and a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their stores.

The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide because the American woman endlessly complains about her body; the true nature of feminism; how she can do everything they can do; the necessity of fulfillment; the equal division of household chores; how sand and palm trees make her ass look fat; how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do; how her relationship with her mother is improving and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining.

The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South and setup a distillery. They don't remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whisky. But they're satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun.