Quick Hitting JOW #1191

 These days it is hard to find an audience that will wait very long for the punchline of a joke; most jokes these days are quick one liners.  I know a lot of these quick little jokes so I thought I would make them the feature of this week’s jokes. 

 

A joke doesn’t become a dad joke until it is full groan

 

I always wanted to be a Gregorian monk, but I never got the chants.

 

It is gotten so bad that Wheaties are now the breakfast of participants.

 

Do baseball catcher think they are ‘working from home’?

 

Laboratory grown meat. Sure I’ll have some… with a Bud Lite.

 

He who is without oil shall throw the first rod.  Compressions 7:24

 

You can’t blame anyone else if you fall on your butt in your driveway . . . it’s your own asphalt. 

I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.
  
I’ve started investing in stocks: beef, vegetable, chicken. One day I hope to be a bouillianaire.
   
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes. Now I know what Heinzsight is.
  
Did you know muffins spelled backwards is what you do when you take them out of the oven?
  

Sign in a high end restaurant bathroom: Employees must wash hands.  If an employee is not available, feel free to wash your own hands.

 

Had a friend we used to call Ashley.  We call her Ash now.  She is cremated.

 

Marriage.  When dating goes too far.

 

I tried to come up with a carpentry pun that woodwork. I thought I nailed it but nobody saw it.
  
I just spoke with Bill Withers and told him “Ain’t No Sunshine” is bad grammar. He said, "I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know.”
  
Singing in the shower is fine until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
  
The Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song but the chick peas can only hummus one.
  
Then there was the time Fruit of the Loom took Hanes to court… it was a brief case.
  

How much does a chimney cost? Nothing, it’s on the house.
  
My friend said she wouldn’t eat cow’s tongue because it came out of a cow’s mouth. I gave her an egg.
  
Once upon a time there was a King who was only 12 inches tall. He was a terrible King but he made a great ruler.
  
Ran out of toilet paper and now using lettuce leaves. Today was just the tip of the iceberg, and tomorrow romaines to be seen.
  
My friend Jack says he can communicate with vegetables. That’s right - Jack and the beans talk.
   
I was struggling to understand how lightning works and then it struck me.
  
These roadside sobriety checks are getting ridiculous.  Last night I had to fold a fitted sheet.

 

I made chicken salad last night.  It didn’t go well. Apparently they prefer grain.

 

Cows kill more people than sharks.  But then I’m surprised cows kill any sharks at all

 

As a child I loved all the old classic cartoons.  Recently I have discovered that roadrunners can only run at 20 mph while coyotes can run at 35.  Everything I was taught as a child was a lie.

 

Some puzzling questions

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

 

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

 

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

 

If a store says it is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

 

If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty liter?

 

What's another word for thesaurus?

 

Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

 

What do they use to ship Styrofoam?

 

Why is abbreviation such a long word?

 

If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

 

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

 

Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?

 

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

 

Okay, here are some longer ones….

 

Taylor Swift has written lots of wonderful songs about men breaking up with her, but I don’t think she has written one song about making her man a sandwich or bringing him a beer.  Coincidence? I think not.

 

Scientifically, a raven has 17 primary wing feathers (the big ones at the end of the wing), which are called pinion feathers. A crow has 16.
So, the difference between a raven and a crow is only a matter of a pinion.
  
 I was walking in the jungle and saw a lizard on his hind legs telling jokes. I turned to a local tribal leader and said, “That lizard is really funny!”

The leader replied, “That’s not a lizard. He’s a stand-up chameleon.
  
And finally, here is a variation of one of my old favorites.

Arctic terns, birds long famous for their thousands of miles migratory habits, have been profoundly affected by climate change. Researchers have determined that as landmarks have disappeared due to loss of ice, some terns get stressed to the point of prematurely ending their flights.
Exposure to cannabinoids reduces stress levels in the stopped birds, allowing them to continue their journey. A team formed to find the colonies of stragglers and drop literal marijuana smoke bombs on the birds. The head of the expedition acknowledged that it was a huge undertaking, but vowed to leave no tern unstoned.