It’s July 4th
and some fool is waking up for the last time with all 10 fingers. It’s so hot that you have to stay in the air
conditioning from 0900 until, oh, the middle of October. Yes, the planet is getting warmer, almost
certainly due to human activity. And for
the past thirty years we have been bombarded with warnings that the world will
become uninhabitable within the next ten years.
Hyperbole and hysteria rein. Example:
‘If global warming continues, in 20 years the only chance we'll have to see a
polar bear is in a zoo’. In other words, nothing is going to change. So keep chill and enjoy these jokes.
You know the crazy people
you see in the streets shouting that the world is ending? Turns out, they’re
all climate scientists.
Never argue about climate
change
It always turns into a
heated debate
How many politicians does
it take the solve climate change?
Trick question:
politicians can't solve anything.
Humans: There is
absolutely nothing that can be done to combat climate change.
Mother Earth: Here hold My
Beer.
Activists want actors to
get involved. They suggested Vin Diesel change
his name to Vin Solar.
It makes sense that
Leonardo DiCaprio cares so much about climate change…
He wants a world his
future girlfriends can turn 21 in.
It was so hot in Beverly
Hills, people were frying egg whites on the sidewalk.
What’s the difference
between weather and climate?
You can’t weather a tree, but you can climate.
What's the difference
between climate change and obesity?
One's a worldwide problem.
The other's a wideworld problem.
Shifting to ordinary
weather jokes:
When it rains chickens and
ducks, you could say its fowl weather.
Red sky at night, sailor’s
delight. Blue sky at night, day
Tomorrow's weather
forecast for Canada is in, just in time for cannabis legalization
It's going to be cloudy
with a chance of Doritos.
What do you have to do to
win gold at the weather forecasting competition? You have to beat the raining
champion.
Today: Sunny, 96. Tonight:
Not so sunny, 85.
Q: What does daylight
saving time mean in Seattle?
A: An extra hour of rain
Q: What do you call two
straight days of rain in Seattle?
A: The weekend.
It has been a while
since I did a ‘knock knock’ joke. Here
are a few weather-related ones.
Knock, knock!
Who's There?
Accordion.
Accordion who?
Accordion to the weather
report, it's going to rain tomorrow!
Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Butter.
Butter who?
Butter bring an umbrella,
it looks like it might start raining!
Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Emma.
Emma who?
Emma bit cold out here - can
you let me in?
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Scot.
Scot who?
Scot outside.
Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Lettuce.
Lettuce who?
Lettuce in, it's raining
outside.
#####
Engineers were preparing
to build a project in the middle of the Amazon forest when a native came up and
told them to seek shelter because there would be heavy rain soon. The engineers
looked up at the clear sky, didn't heed the man's prediction and continued with
their work. Two hours later it poured heavily. The following day the native
showed up again and told them not to worry it would be sunny for the next four
days Sure enough it was sunny the entire four days. On the fifth day he showed
up again in the morning and told them it would be too hot to work in the
afternoon and sure enough it did get too hot in the afternoon. The following
day the lead engineer dispatched a few of his juniors to seek the wise native,
gift him some cash and ask for his prediction of the weather. They found the
man in his homestead, he accepted the gift and gave them his prediction. This
carried on for three months. One morning, as had become their routine the
junior engineers went to seek the wise native with their daily cash gift to
enquire about the day's weather. After accepting the cash the wise man had bad
news. "My radio ran out of batteries last night so I didn't listen to the
weather forecast so I can't help you today."
And finally
Once upon a time, a king
wanted to go fishing and he asked the royal weather forecaster the forecast for
the next few hours. The palace meteorologist assured him that there was no
chance of rain.
So the king and the queen
went fishing. On the way they met a man with a fishing pole riding on a donkey,
and the king asked the man if the fish were biting.
The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace! In
just a short time I expect a huge rain storm."
The king replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is
an educated and experienced professional. Besides, I pay him very high wages.
He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him."
So the king continued on his way. However, in a short time a torrential rain
fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked.
Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the
meteorologist. Then he summoned the fisherman and offered him the prestigious
position of royal forecaster.
The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about
forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears
drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain."
So the king hired the donkey.
And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in influential
positions of government.
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