Traveling JOW #1192

 As some of you might have noticed, it has been warm lately, so we are taking a trip to Colorado to see family (including a new grand kid) and friends.  The Rockies are great for an altitude adjustment.  We will be driving there all the way across Texas.  I know those wind farms in west Texas will be glad to see me.  They are huge fans.  And we will stay in motels on the way.  Did you know a motel minibar allows you to see into the future? You can find out what a can of Pepsi will cost in 2033?   I intend to will be bring a section of a tree truck on my trip.  It’s my travelogue.  And these are my jokes of the week provided early because we are on the road.

 

What does a tree do when he's going on a vacation?

He packs his trunk and leaves.

 

Where do blind people go for vacation?

Sea World…

 

Hipsters like to hike back country rivers. They’re less mainstream.

 

My favorite trail mix includes songs from The Cranberries, Peanuts, and Eminem.

 

My wife wanted to go on vacation, but I wanted a staycation; so we compromised and had an altercation.

 

Actually,  I am sort of on a six month vacation.  I’m retired, so I take two of those a year. 

 

When you’re at the airport what kind of chocolate can you buy? A bar of plane chocolate.

 

Flat earthers only travel on a plane

 

Airlines keep adding fees.  First it was pay toilets

on the planes .  Then they started charging for emotional baggage, too.  Now the attendants tell you that ‘if the oxygen mask drops down, to please put on your mask and pay for your oxygen with a major credit card before assisting others with their transactions.

 

A few quick quips:

 

·         What do you call a traveler that doesn’t lose its temper? A nomad.

·         Which U.S. state is round at the ends and high in the middle? Ohio

·         Which U.S. state has the tiniest drinks? Mini Soda.

·         I’m not too good at geography, but I can name at least one city in France. That’s Nice.

·         What’s the capital of Spain? S.

·         Where did the heart, liver, and kidney go on a road trip? Oregon

 

A British man is visiting Australia for vacation.

The passport lady at Australian customs asks him, "Have you been convicted of any crimes in the past?"
The Brit replies by asking, "Is it still a requirement?"

 

Halfway between New York City and Washington, D.C., the train's engine fell silent. "I've got good news and bad news," the conductor announced. "The bad news is we lost power." The passengers groaned. "The good news," he added, "is we weren't cruising at 30,000 feet."

 

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel he planned to visit on his vacation,

"I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well-behaved.
Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"
An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, which said, "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware, or pictures off the walls.
I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel.
And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too."

 

You're on vacation, and you've arrived at your hotel. The elevators in the lobby are numbered, from left to right, 1, 2, 3, 5, and 4.

Curious, you try to enter elevator 5, but are stopped by the bell boy.
"You can't use that elevator," he says.
"Why not?"
"It's out of order"

 

A traveling salesman was driving through the countryside when his car broke down.

Without phone service, he walked a couple miles to a farm house where he knocked on the door.
The old farmer answered and the salesman told him of his situation.
The farmer says. "It's getting late, but you’re welcome to spend the night. We'll call the tow truck in the morning.
The salesman says, "Thanks, I know the drill I'll sleep in the barn."
The farmer says, "Nonsense, the wife done run oft with the bread man and my three daughters graduated from college, got married and moved out. You can sleep in one of the empty bedrooms."
The salesman sighs, "Damn it to hell, I'm in the wrong joke!"

 

I don’t want to brag, but I do speak pig Latin; I mean, I’m not fluent, but I’m sure if I ever went there, I could get by.

And speaking of Latin, here is my final joke.

Once there was an old English don who was a dedicated scholar of the antiquities, specifically Rome.  Of course he could read Latin, and as old dons due, he would occasionally talk to his peers in that dead language.

When he finally got a chance to visit the Eternal City he leapt at the chance. 

He was so excited to see the sights of Rome that he became separated from his tour.  He wanted to ask directions back to his hotel but spoke no Italian and no one on the street spoke English.  Finally, he decided that Italian couldn’t be that different from Latin so he walked up to a distinguished-looking gentleman and in his best Latin for directions to his hotel. To his delight the old man replied in excellent classic Latin.  The thanked the man profusely again in Latin, and, as he turned away the Roman said to him.

“You have been gone from Rome a long time, haven’t you?”