Barbicized JOW #1195

Thanks in part to a brilliant marketing campaign, the Barbie movie is a huge hit.  That got me onto the topic of jokes about the famous doll.  My jokes this week start off with some about the Fabulous Ms Barbie.

 

Q. What do you call a line of Barbie dolls?
A. A Barbeque!

 

What ever happened to Bar-A? We only ever hear about Barbie.

 

What do you call Barbie’s husband after his nap? A woke Ken.

 

How does Barbie look so good despite being 64 years old? Plastic Surgery.

 

Barbie dolls promote unrealistic expectations of women's bodies. Women's heads are much harder to put back on in real life.

 

Why aren’t Barbie dolls made of plastic anymore?  Because the Kardashian’s took it all.

 

Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
Barbie.
(Barbie who?)
BBQ chicken.

 

What did the Barbie factory do when it ran out of belly buttons?
They called the navel reserve, naturally.

 

Why have Barbie and Ken never had a baby? Because Ken comes in a different box.

 

A girl says to her mom, "I want a Barbie and a GI Joe". Mom says, "Doesn't Barbie come with Ken?"
And the girl replies, "No, Barbie comes with GI Joe. She just fakes it with Ken."

 

What’s the difference between Barbie and Oppenheimer? Barbie product first manufactured in Japan and released in America. Oppenheimer’s product was manufactured in America and released in Japan.

 

There have been numerous alternate versions of Barbie

 

There is Army Barbie?
She specializes in plastic explosives.

 

You can get a Barbie RV and a Barbie chemistry kit which is essentially a Barbie Breaking Bad starter kit.

 

“Remember Proust Barbie? That did not sell well.” (Actual quote from the Barbie movie.)

 

What do you call a Conan the Barbie doll?
A Barbr-aryan.

 

Divorce Barbie come with? She comes with all of Ken's stuff.

 

Cougar Barbie. She smokes, can drink you under the table, and probably knows your dad.

 

Barbie’s trailer trash cousin, Methonie.  Wrinkled and missing teeth.

 

And the overweight cousin: Carbie

 

Then there’s the Muslim Barbie... It's a blow-up doll.

 

Enough with Barbie.  Here are some body image jokes

 

Can you imagine how great I would look if I ate right and quit drinking?  That’s not going to happen but can you imagine?

 

I wish everything was as easy as getting fat.  You don’t get a body like mine overnight.  It takes years of neglect and bacon.  I don’t always eat bacon, but…. Who am I kidding, I always eat bacon.  Bacon is the duct tape of food. 

 

Life happens.  Bacon helps, after all, bacon is mostly salty and fat.  Much like myself

 

Somebody threw a jar of mayonnaise at me.  I was like ‘what the Hellman?’

 

I no longer eat powdered donuts; I don’t want to look like I just came from the White House.

 

Trans swimmer Lia Thomas has announced that having conquered women’s swimming he intends to dominate in the Paraplegic games and after that, the Special Olympics.

 

 

 

The Sayings of the Jewish Buddha

 

* If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?

* Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?

* Drink tea and nourish life; with the first sip, joy; with the second sip, satisfaction; with the third sip, peace; with the fourth, a Danish.

* Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story.

* Accept misfortune as a blessing. Do not wish for perfect health, or a life without problems. What would you talk about?

* There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that?

* Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness. And then, what do you have? Bupkis.

* The Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides. The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others. The Tao is not Jewish.

* Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.

* Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be as a wooded glen. And sit up straight. You'll never meet the Buddha with such rounded shoulders.

* Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers. Each flower blossoms ten thousand times. Each blossom has ten thousand petals. You might want to see a specialist.

* Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions. Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.

* The Torah says, “Love your neighbor as yourself.”

The Buddha says, “There is no self”.

So ... maybe we're off the hook . . .

 

Why are monks always meditating and relaxed and full of profound thoughts and ideas?
Because they’re single.

~~~~

I recently came across a brochure promoting a camp for children with asthma. Aside from all the wonderful activities the kids could enjoy, such as canoeing, swimming, crafts, and more, it promised that its lakefront property offered something the asthmatic kids probably did not expect: "breathtaking views.”

 

And finally something entirely different.

Two snakes bump into each other after a long time.  After initial pleasantries one snake confesses that he is struggling with his failing eyesight.
The other snake suggests an eye doctor who he is sure can help the other snake improve his eye sight. They say goodbye and part ways.
After few weeks they bump into one another again.
Snake 1- You look much better! Did you see the eye doctor and was he able to help you?
Snake 2- Yes! Your advice was a blessing. The doctor helped me correct my eye sight. I can see better, hunt better and my sex life has improved dramatically!
Snake 1- Sex life?
Snake 2- Yes! My sex life! After my improved eyesight I realized that my girlfriend was actually a garden hose.