Wine-ing JOW #1196

 As a young man I drank beer; sometimes a lot of beer.  Those days are gone.  Although I will occasionally imbibe a brew, I have predominately shifted to wine, usually with a meal.  I, like many people was dismayed, but not surprised to hear a government agency recommended we only have two drinks of alcohol a week.  And this man is paid with our taxpayer dollars.

A politician was one asked about his opinion of alcohol.  His response: 

‘If you are referring to Satan’ potion, that dissolves chastity, promotes violence, deprives us of good sense, and ruins families, than I am against it. 

If, on the other hand you are talking about the nectar that eases stress at the end of the day, invigorates good company, and brings cheer into our tedious lives, than I am for it.’

That pretty much sums it up for me.  Here are a few wine-themed jokes.

 

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

 

Drink some wine. It is not a good idea to keep things bottled up.

 

I’m a wine enthusiast. The more wine I drink, the more enthusiastic I get.

 

He said his non-alcoholic wine was delicious; I said there was no proof.

 

My favorite wine pairing is me and a glass of wine.

 

I drink wine when socializing with others because no great story has ever started over a salad.

 

Don’t call it box wine.  It is carboardeaux

 

Wine is life’s way of apologizing for Mondays.

 

When I choose wine, I make pour decisions.

 

I have joy in my heart and a glass of wine in my hand. Coincidence?  I think not.

 

I am glad I have reached the age where can drink wine with my kids instead of because of them.

 

Wine riddles

Why do women take baths to relax? 

Because it’s too hard to drink wine in the shower.

 

What do you get if you purchase a quad pack of traditional mature Japanese wine?
Four old times sake.

 

What’s Leonardo DiCaprio’s least favorite kind of wine?

Aged.

 

What do sailors drink when they gather at a tavern to commiserate?

Port whine

 

What’s the difference between drinking in the US and the UK?

If you had 3 glasses of wine in the US, some might call you an alcoholic.
If you had 3 glasses of wine in Britain, you're the designated driver.

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It doesn’t matter if the glass is half empty or half full.

There’s clearly room for more wine.

 

Some people like beer goggles.

I prefer wine glasses.

 

A friend of mine asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.

I said, "Ooh, about half an hour."

 

The first thing on my bucket list? To fill that bucket with wine.

 

At Christmas time, there’s nothing I love more than sitting in front of a warm fire, mulled wine in hand, and singing Christmas songs until I slowly fall asleep. Maybe that’s why I’m no longer a fireman.

 

 I sometimes write “drink wine” in my to-do list.  It makes me feel I have accomplished something for the day.

 

Two old winos were talking about the days when they pass...

1st wino says, "If I go first...will you pour some wine over my grave every day?"
2nd wino says, "Sure, you bet! But do you mind if I pass it through my kidneys first??"

 

On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher.

The florist's son handed the teacher a gift.
She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet I know what it is - it's some flowers!"
"That's right!" shouted the little boy.
Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift.
She held it up, shook it and said. "I bet I know what it is - it's a box of candy!"
"That's right!" shouted the little girl.
The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son, Little Johnny.
The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking.
She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she asked. "No," Little Johnny answered.
The teacher touched another drop to her tongue.
"Is it champagne?" she asked.
"No," he answered.
Finally, the teacher said, "I give up. What is it?"

“A puppy!”

- Our grandpa lived to be 98 years old.  He used to smoke at least three very expensive cigars a day, drink only the best scotch, cognac and wine, ate only seafood we had to bring from certifiably high quality places and entertained two or three girlfriends at a time
- Wow! What did finally die of?
- We had to kill him. He was too expensive for us.

 

Here is a Chinese joke about wine…. Sort of.

Huang Chan was a very rich man who was tough on his farmhand, Wong. Huang Chan gave Wong a bottle and said, 'Buy me a bottle of wine.'

Wong, the poor farmhand enquired, 'How can I buy you wine with no money at all?'
Huang Chan replied disdainfully, 'Anyone can buy wine with money. It takes real skill to buy wine without money.'

Time elapsed and Wong eventually returned farmhand returned with an empty bottle. He handed the bottle to Huang Chan and murmured, 'Enjoy the wine, please.'

Staring at the empty bottle with some dismay, Huang asked, 'There is no wine, how can I enjoy this?'

Wong replied to Huang Chan, with a straight face, 'Anyone can enjoy wine if there is some.  It takes real skill to enjoy wine when there is none.'

 

An old man walks into a town square with a big sign around his neck that reads, "Old Man's Wisdom for a nickel!"

A skeptical passerby tosses a nickel into the old man's hat and says, "Alright, wise guy, what's your message?"

The old man looks up, grinning ear to ear, and says, "Never spend a nickel on something you can learn for free!"

 

And a final wine blessing:

May your life be like a good wine: tasty, sharp, and clear. 

And like a good wine may it improve with every year.