Medical JOW #1193

 Some of you might have noticed there was no JOW last week.  I was on my cool Colorado vacation and so skipped a week.  If you every go more than a couple of weeks without getting your JOW, let me know. People drop of my mailing list all the time for no apparent reason.

My jokes this week have a medical bent.  I hope you enjoy them.

Even before internet medical programs people tried to diagnose themselves using printed material.  Mark Twain warned: "Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint."

I called the incontinence hotline.  They asked me to hold.

What’s the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?

One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what they treat.

 

How Many Doctors Does it Take to Change a Lightbulb?

·         That depends on whether or not the bulb has health insurance.

·         None. They just prescribe it Vicodin and tell it to call for a refill if necessary.

·         Only one, but the nurse has to tell the doctor which end to screw in first.

·         Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill the procedure.

 

A young doctor was trying to decide in a career between proctology and neurology. He decided to flip a coin--heads or tails

 

You Might Be an E.R. Doctor if…

…discussing surgical procedures during dinner seems normal to you.

…you think coffee should be made available in IV form.

…your favorite hallucinogen is exhaustion.

…you have to remind yourself to slow down when you’re eating, even when you’re at a nice restaurant.

…you’re superstitious about someone saying, “Jeez, things have slowed down a lot.”

…you think “great veins” even when you’re walking down the street, looking at strangers.

…a patient has said to you, “I have no idea how it got stuck in there, but please get it out.”

 

A young male nurse came in to ask a woman routine medical questions.

Nurse: Have you ever had a hysterectomy?

Female patient: Yes.

Nurse: When?

Female patient: 2011.

Nurse: Do you think you could be pregnant?

Female patient: Are you sure this is the right career for you?

 

Here are a few English-challenged notes doctors wrote on patient charts:

·         The patient is married but sexually active.

·         When standing with eyes closed, he missed his right finger to his nose and has to search for it on the left side.

·         She does indeed have a fear of frying and mental problems that she attributes to deep-fat fryers.

·         Her father died from a heart attack at age 12.

·         Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.

·         Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

·         On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.

·         The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

·         Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.

·         Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

·         While in ER, Eva was examined, x-rated and sent home.

·         Skin: somewhat pale, but present.

·         Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

·         The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.

·         Mrs. Evans slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

·         Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Jones, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

·         The patient refused autopsy.

·         The patient has no previous history of suicides.

·         She is numb from her toes down.

·         She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.

·         Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

·         Examination of genitalia has revealed that he is circus-sized.

·         Patient was found in bed with her power mower.

·         She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was hot in bed last night.

 

 

Redneck Medical Terminology

 

Medical Term	Redneck Definition
Artery	The study of paintings
Bacteria	Back door to cafeteria
Barium	What doctors do when patients die
Benign	What you be, after you be eight
Caesarean Section	A neighborhood in Rome
Cat scan	Searching for Kitty
Cauterize	Made eye contact with her
Colic	A sheep dog
Coma	A little mark in a sentence
Dilate	To live long
Enema	Not a friend
Fester	Quicker than someone else
Fibula	A small lie
Impotent	Distinguished, well known
Labor Pain	Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff	A Doctor's cane
Morbid	A higher offer
Nitrates	Rates of Pay for Working at Night,
Node	I knew it
Outpatient	A person who has fainted
Pelvis	Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative	A letter carrier
Recovery Room	Place to do upholstery
Rectum	Nearly killed him
Secretion	Hiding something
Seizure	Roman Emperor
Tablet	A small table
Terminal Illness	Getting sick at the airport
Tumor	One plus one more
Urine	Opposite of You're Out

 

 

When a patient was wheeled into our emergency room, the nurse on duty asked. "On a scale of zero to ten, with zero representing no pain and ten representing excruciating pain, what would you say your pain level is now?"
She shook her head. "Oh, I don't know. I'm not good with math."

 

When my insurance company refused to pay for a newborn son's circumcision, the parents got a letter explaining its logic. Under the procedure "Circumcision" was written "Unable to locate member."

 

Doing rounds, a new nurse couldn't help overhearing the surgeon yelling, "Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles!"
"Why does he keep doing that?" she asked a colleague.
"Oh, he likes to call the shots around here.

 

The doctor delivered some bad news to his patient. "Your white blood cells are elevated," he said.
"What does that mean?" the patient asked.
Looking concerned, the doctor explained, "Up."

 

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, the nurse asked, "How long have you been bedridden?"

After a look of complete confusion she answered..."Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was alive."