Mathematic JOW #1199

The subject of algebra came up last week.  I still remember with fondness my 9th grade teacher, Mrs. Perry, who taught me Algebra.  Is that called ‘nostalgebra’?  Anyone who could teach me algebra is a magically good teacher.   A mathemagician!

Thinking of math led my twisted mind to jokes so I have a bunch of math-themed jokes this week.  I know I have used some of them before, but they still amuse me and, I hope, you.

 

Question: How do you make seven an even number?
Answer: Just remove the “s.”

 

There are three kinds of people in this world. Those who can count and those who can’t.

 

I saw a math teacher with a piece of graph paper yesterday. I think he must be plotting something.

 

Have you heard the one about the statistician? Probably.

 

Are math books the saddest in the world because they have so many problems?

 

What do you get if you add two apples and three apples?

A basic math word problem.

 

Here’s another math word problem.

Walter is 63.  Tina is 22.  What kind of sports car will Walter give Tina?

 

Why should the number 288 never be mentioned?  It's two gross.

 

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?

A: The answer is trivial and is left as an exercise for the reader.

 

Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip?  To get to the same side.

 

Why did seven eight nine? Because you're supposed to eat three squared meals a day!

 

Why don’t Calculus majors throw house parties?  Because you should never drink and derive.

 

A statistician drowned crossing a wide river because he calculated that it had an overall average depth of three feet deep. 

 

I knew a mathematician who couldn’t afford lunch. He could binomials.  (That is a terrible pun.)

 

Come on, all math puns aren't groaners… just sum of them!

 

 

What do you call a couple of ‘L’s? A parallel

 

Parallel lines have so much in common, it's a shame they'll never meet!

 

What's an opinion without 3.14? It's just an onion.  (Subtract ‘pi’)

 

My perfect partner is the square root of -100: a perfect 10, but also imaginary!

 

What do you call a number that can't keep still? A roamin' numeral!

 

Why did the Romans think algebra was so easy? They knew X was always 10!

 

Here are some more advanced formulaic jokes

Write the expression for the volume of a thick crust pizza with height "a" and radius "z".

Explanation: The formula for volume is π·(radius)2·(height). In this case, pi·z·z·a.

 

What did π say to i? ‘Get real.’

What did i say to π? ‘Be rational.’

 

Person 1: What's the integral of 1/cabin with respect to cabin?
Person 2: A log cabin.
Person 1: No, a houseboat; you forgot to add the C

 

Two mathematicians are in a bar.  The first one claims that the average person knows very little about mathematics. The second one disagrees, and claims that most people can cope with a reasonable amount of math.
When first mathematician goes off to the washroom the second man calls over the waitress. He tells her that in a few minutes, after his friend has returned, he will ask her a question. All she has to do is answer “one third x cubed”.
She repeats "one thir -- dex cue"?
He repeats say "one third x cubed".
She says, "one thir dex cuebd"?
Yes, that's right, he says. So she agrees, and goes off mumbling to herself, "one thir dex cuebd..."
The first guy returns and the second proposes a bet to prove his point, that most people do know something about math. He says he will ask the blonde waitress an integral, and the first man laughingly agrees. The second man calls over the waitress and asks "what is the integral of x squared?"
The waitress says "Oh! One third X cubed.  Plus C, of course."

 

A physicist, a biologist and a mathematician were sitting on a bench, watching people enter and leave the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people enter the house.  A while later, they watch three people leave the house. The physicist says, "The initial measurement wasn't accurate." The biologist counters, "They must have reproduced." Finally, the mathematician suggests, "If one more person enters the house, then it will be empty again."

 

A philosopher, a mathematician, and a physicist were at Starbucks.
The mathematician turns to the physicist sitting next to him and says "You know, physics is just applied mathematics!"
They all have a good laugh, at which point the philosopher interjects from across the table. "And mathematics is just applied philosophy!"
There was more laughter and then the physicist turns to the philosopher.
"Just bring me my coffee."

 

A mathematician walks into a bar and orders a root beer. The bartender brings him one in one of their special glasses.

"You idiot. You poured it into a square glass," the mathematician complained, "Now I just have beer."

And finally, one of my favorites told to me long ago by old friend, Andy.

A mathematician and an engineer play a game to get laid.

At the other end of this room,” the Game Master points out, “is a beautiful, young, consenting woman. If you reach her, she will fulfill any and all of your fantasies.”
The mathematician and engineer both look at each other with excitement.
“The only rule is that each step you take toward the bed can only be half the size of the previous step.”
The mathematician studies the situation for a moment, frowns, and then remarks, “Oh forget it! I know how this one ends. I’m going home.”
The Engineer also studies the situation, grins, and then goes half way toward the woman.
“Didn’t you hear me!” shouts the Mathematician. “It’s a mathematical certainty you’ll never reach her!  You can only go half way each time.”
“Perhaps you’re right,” he says. “But soon I’ll be close enough that for all practical purposes, it won’t matter!”