Jimmy Buffett has passed on. First we lost Tom Petty, then Jimmy. Dang. At least Willy Nelson is still hanging on. Of course, there is always Keith Richards who is giving a new meaning to the term ‘Rock and Roll Immortal’. All these passing’s make me uneasy. I think I may be approaching my own ‘best if used by’ date. However, my jokes this week are about stupidity. Alas, we live in an era of smart phones and stupid people. So here are some jokes about stupid people… then some just stupid jokes.
Quotes about stupid
people.
Never underestimate the
power of stupid people in large groups.
“Think of how stupid the
average person is and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
– George Carlin
“If a cluttered desk is a
sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?”
– Albert Einstein
“Real stupidity beats
artificial intelligence every time.”
– Terry Pratchett
Life is hard. It’s even
harder when you’re stupid.
-John Wayne
Wisdom doesn’t really come
with age. A moron doesn’t become a wise man when he grows old; he becomes an
old moron.
-Anna LeMind
A wise man never knows
all, only fools know everything.
African proverb
One thing that humbles me
deeply is to see that human genius has its limits while human stupidity does
not.
-Alexandre Dumas
Never argue with stupid
people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with
experience.
-Mark Twain
Here are some stupid
riddles.
What do you call a mac
‘n’ cheese that gets all up in your face?
Too close for comfort food!
What is blue and doesn’t
weigh much? Light blue.
How did the hipster burn
his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.
What did O say to Q?
"Hey, put that thing back into your trousers."
How do you make a net? You
sew a bunch of holes together.
What do you call a broken
can opener? A can’t opener.
What do you call a
sleepwalking nun? A roaming Catholic.
What is a foot long and
slippery? A slipper
What do you call a priest
that becomes an attorney? Father-in-Law.
What do you call a bear
with no socks? Barefoot.
What do you call a snail
aboard a ship? A snailor.
What do you call
an aardvark that is three feet long? A yardvark.
What do you call an egg
laid by an evil chicken? A deviled egg.
What do you call the
security guards outside the Samsung factory?
The Guardians of the Galaxy.
What do you call a horse
that can’t lose a race? A sherbet.
What do you call a joke
without a punchline? Silence.
What is something everyone
has a right to do, but they’re a dick if they do it? Change their name to Richard.
(To be frank, I'd have to
change my name.)
What do you call a bear
with no teeth?
A gummy bear.
(And if I die choking on a
gummy bear I hope they just say I was killed by bears.)
Some stupid
observations
The more you know, the
dumber you sound to stupid people.
Don’t fear artificial
intelligence. Fear natural stupidity.
Don’t worry about what other
people think. They don’t do it very often.
Back in my day, we didn’t
have as many “don’t try this at home” warning labels on things, because people
weren’t so freaking stupid.
The fact that jellyfish
have survived for 650 million years without brains gives hope to many people.
The biggest joke on
mankind is that computers have begun asking humans to prove they aren’t
robots.
Okay, just stupid
jokes.
I call my horse Mayo.
Sometime Mayo neighs.
I used to be afraid of
hurdles but then I got over it
Statistically, 6 out of 7
dwarfs are not happy.
Steak jokes are a rare
medium well done.
The honeymoon salad. Lettuce alone with no dressing.
I got an email about a
program that could read maps backward. I
thought, ‘That’s just spam.’
I was attacked by 1,3,5,7,
& 9. The odds were against me. I called on 2,4,6,& 8 to even things up
Manslaughter is just a mans laughing.
Of course, I can keep
secrets, but the people I tell them to obviously can’t.
Morosoph – A learned fool
or educated fool who lacks common sense and good judgement
Just once I want a
username and password prompt to say, “CLOSE ENOUGH”.
Of course, no list of
stupid jokes would be complete without a couple of Homer Simpson quotes:
“I saw this movie about a
bus that had to SPEED around a city, keeping its SPEED over fifty, and if its
SPEED dropped, it would explode! I think it was called "The Bus That
Couldn't Slow Down.””
“My philosophy is,
basically this. And this is something that I live by. And I always have. And I
always will. Don’t, ever, for any reason, do anything, to anyone, for any
reason, ever, no matter what, no matter where, or who you are with, or, or
where you are going, or, or where you’ve been. Ever. For any reason. Whatsoever.” (Kinda sounds like our Vice President.)
Knock Knock jokes are
inherently stupid. So here are a few
examples:
Knock, Knock! Who's there?
Dumbbell.
Dumbbell who?
Dumbbell doesn't work, so
I had to knock!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Figs!
Figs who?
Figs the doorbell, it’s
broken!
Knock, knock.
A little boy.
A little boy who?
A little boy who can’t
reach the doorbell.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Owls say.
Owls say who?
Yes, they do.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cash.
Cash who?
No thanks, but I’d love
some peanuts!
And in conclusion
My wife found out I was
cheating on her
How did that happen?
She found all the letters I was hiding.
So what happened?
She got really mad and
said she would never play scrabble with me again.
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