Poor Ole Tom #1198

Over ten years ago I determined that the work I was best suited for was retirement.  I have been retired for a long time, now and I think I am getting pretty good at it.  Here are a few thoughts on retirement:

Retirement doesn’t suck.

I do what I want, have enough money for my needs, and am pretty satisfied with my life.  But, as those of us who live long enough have found out, sooner or later your body begins to fall apart.  I used to feel like a million bucks.  Now I feel like a bounced check.  You can try to ‘age gracefully', but aging gracefully is a nice way of saying you’re slowly looking worse.

Here are a few thoughts about getting old and being retired.

 

When you’re old, it’s not the police who tells you to slow down, it’s your doctor.

 

You know you are getting old when you feel bad in the morning without having any fun the night before.

 

I think I have the body of a teenager.  I tell myself I'm not getting older but it refuses to listen.

 

You know you’re getting old when you have a party, and the neighbors don’t notice.

 

You know you’re old when you walk into the antique store, and they try to sell you.

 

You’re too old to jog when you notice buzzards are following overhead.

 

Old folk’s pickup lines.

·         Do you have an oxygen tank?  Because you take my breath away.

·         Care to come by and see my medicine cabinet?

·         Do you play bingo?  Because I swear I’ve seen you B4.

·         Hey baby, wanna help me test out my new hip replacement?

·         That pretty smile of yours would look good in a glass on my nightstand.

·         Your heating pad or mine?

·         Come here often?  Because I am not sure where I am.

·         Baby I’ve fallen for you and I can’t get up.

 

A Dr. Seuss-style take on getting old.

I cannot see

I cannot pee

I cannot chew

I cannot screw

Oh, my goodness, what can I do?

My memory shrinks

My hearing stinks

No sense of smell

I look like hell

I’m getting old, can you tell?

My body’s drooping

Have trouble pooping

The Golden Years

Have come at last

Those Golden Years can kiss my ass.

 

What’s the key to a structured retirement?
A rigid nap schedule.

 

Why do retirees smile so much?
Because they can’t hear a word you’re saying.

 

Retirement is what happens between doctors’ appointments.

 

Retirement is like one big sick day without sick pay.

 

How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but it’ll take all day.

>>>> 

As I am getting older, I start to think about all the people I’ve lost along the way and I came to the realization that maybe my career as a tour guide wasn’t for me.

 

As a tour guide I went to many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my children, friends, family and work.
I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.
I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.
I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.
Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.
One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense. It really gets the adrenaline flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get.
I may have been in Continent, but I don't remember what country I was in. It's an age thing. They tell me it is damp there.

^^^^^

There was this man named John Odd, and he hated his last name.
People constantly made fun of it, called him and his wife "The Odd couple", named him things like "The Odd man out" wherever he went.
When he wrote out his will he stipulated that he didn’t want his name on the gravestone. He just wanted to be buried in an unmarked grave with a plain headstone, no name - nothing.  That would put an end to the comments about his name.  After his death his wife respected his wishes. So there he is, in his unmarked grave, but every time someone walks by the cemetery and sees the unmarked grave they say, "Look, isn't that Odd?"

And finally:

An older man developed a nasty cough.  He never took it seriously; he figured he was just getting older and blamed it on age.  His wife became annoyed by his coughing and nagged him to go the doctor, but the man kept refusing.
One day during an argument, his wife told him "If this damn coughin’ kills you I’m writing ' I told you so' on your tombstone!"
The man laughed her off and said it’s a deal, if the coughin’ killed him she could do just that.
The next day the man was out going for a walk through his neighborhood, when there was an accident with a truck which was transporting coffins; a coffin flew off the truck, tragically landing on the old man and killing him outright.
Sure enough, his wife had them carve "I told you so" on his headstone, because in the end – a bet is a bet and it was that damn coffin that killed him.