This is JOW number 1200. I average about 50 jokes a year so that is about twenty four years’ worth of humor. I started a blog in 2008 and have kept all my posts since then at https://thospinneyjow.blogspot.com/. Feel free to share. Speaking of sharing, I always appreciate folks sending me fodder for the JOW. Here is one based on last week’s Mathematical JOW: To the mathematicians who thought of the idea of zero...Thanks for nothing.
Some
random one liners.
Knowing your wife is wrong
is one thing, but proving to her that she is wrong is just stupid.
I am as frustrated as the
Tooth Fairly in a Meth house.
“Mom, you are spoiling the
kids.”
Grandma, “No, honey they
just sometimes smell that way.”
Neal Diamond’s name used
to be Neal Coal but the pressure got to him.
I’m not fat but some days
I feel like a busted can of biscuits
I didn’t plan on going for
a run but damn, those cops came out of nowhere.
First I was hit by a
violin, then a clarinet, then the French horns.
It was an orchestrated attack.
If Adam and Eve were
Cajuns, they would have eaten the snake instead of the Apple and saved us all a
lot of trouble.
When a kid says “Daddy, I
want mommy,” that’s the kid version of “I’d like to speak to your supervisor.”
I don’t know where you got
your opinion but I hope you kept the receipt
Someone apparently
kidnapped my imaginary friends, the voices in my head aren’t speaking to me
anymore, and my dragon flew away. I’m
afraid I am going sane.
What is the sound of one
hand clapping?
It sounds exactly like a
high five.
Cats really own a
house. That is why ‘homeowner’ has
‘meow’ in it.
Life hack: replace kale
with bacon.
Your secrets are safe with
me because I really wasn’t listening.
I am still learning. Apparently when you are asked what you want
in a relationship, a good response is not ‘a way out’.
Old age doesn’t bother
me. It’s the side effects….
You know you are getting
old when ‘friends with benefits’ means someone who can drive at night
Some light quotes:
“My advice to you is get
married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a
philosopher.” —Socrates
“Ehhhh, probably good
enough.” Mediocrates
“Adults are always asking
children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for
ideas.” —Paula Poundstone
“I want my children to
have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis
Diller
People say money is not
the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money, you
can have a key made.”—Joan Rivers
“Anybody who tells you
money can’t buy happiness never had any.” —Samuel L. Jackson
“Each American embassy comes with two
permanent features, a giant anti-American demonstration and a giant line for
American visas.”
"Cars, destroyed the
American nuclear family, and as anyone who has had an American nuclear family
can tell you, this was a relief to all concerned."
I love Homer Simpson. Here are some of his quotes
“The information
superhighway showed the average person what some nerd thinks about Star Trek.”
“Operator! Give me
the number for 911!”
I’m like that guy who
single-handedly built the rocket & flew to the moon. What was his name?
Apollo Creed?”
"Yes, honey...Just
squeeze your rage up into a bitter little ball and release it at an appropriate
time, like that day I hit the referee with the whiskey bottle.”
"The code of the
schoolyard, Marge! The rules that teach a boy to be a man. Let's see. Don't
tattle. Always make fun of those different from you. Never say anything, unless
you're sure everyone feels exactly the same way you do."
“To alcohol! The
cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.”
“Kids, you tried
your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.”
“If something’s hard to
do, then it’s not worth doing.”
“Son, if you really want
something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to
announce the lottery numbers.”
“When will I learn? The
answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!”
Aw, people can come up
with statistics to prove anything, Kent. 14 % of all people know that.”
“Remember that postcard
Grandpa sent us from Florida of that Alligator biting that woman's bottom?
That's right, we all thought it was hilarious. But, it turns out we were wrong.
That alligator was sexually harassing that woman.”
“Maybe, just once, someone
will call me 'Sir' without adding, 'You’re making a scene’.”
“Marge, don't discourage
the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us
from the animals! Except the weasel.”
“Lisa,
if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it
really half-assed. That's the American way.”
It’s a good idea to wear
underwear, especially when out in public.
A couple went shopping only to have their car start to act up just as
they parked in the shopping center. The husband told his wife to carry on
shopping while he would try to fix the car.
When she returned she saw a small group clustered around their car. She noticed a pair of hairy legs protruding from
under the car.
Unfortunately, although in
shorts, his lack of underwear had made is private parts into very pubic
ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment she
stepped forward and put her hand into his shorts and tucked everything back
into place.
Upon regaining her feet
she looked across the hood of the car and found herself looking at her husband
who was standing idly by watching.
The AAA mechanic had to
have three stiches in his forehead.
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