Spooky JOW #1203

The Holidays are upon us, all at once.  I guess this means we should put up our Christmas trees while eating turkey dressed in our Halloween costumes.  It is closest to Halloween and so I guess that means I should have some jokes about Halloween.

 

Jehovah’s Witnesses don’t believe in celebrating Halloween.  I guess they don’t want random people coming up to their doors.

 

I was in an IKEA store recently trying to pronounce some of the names, and inadvertently summoned Cthulhu.  (With a nod to H.P. Lovecraft)

 

Halloween is the only day of the year when it’s OK to ask, “What are you?”

 

On a tombstone:  Here lies Clair Voyant.  She never saw it coming.

 

Sometimes I dress scary for kids who come to the door.  Sometimes I even do it on Halloween.

 

Some stupid (is there any other kind?) Knock Knock jokes.

 

Knock, Knock! 
Who’s there? Orange. 
Orange who? 

Orange you glad it’s Halloween.

 

Knock Knock. 
Who’s there? 
Boo! 
Boo who? 

Don’t cry, it’s only Halloween.

 

Knock, Knock! 
Who’s there? Witch.
Witch who? 

Witch one of you has the candy?

 

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Canoe.
Canoe who?
Canoe give me some candy?

 

• You know it’s bad luck to be followed by a black cat… if you are a mouse.

 

• 1900: Dracula survived by drinking the blood of virgins.
• 2022: Dracula dies of starvation.

 

Q: What is Dracula’s porn star name?
A: Vlad the Impaler

 

A guy walks into a bar and orders a pumpkin spice beer.

"Have you decided on a Halloween costume yet?" the bartender asks.

"Not yet. I was going to go as a band aid, but I decided against it," the guy replies. "It's really hard to pull off."

 

A few skeleton jokes:

 

Q: Why do skeletons have low self-esteem?
A: They have no body to love.

---

Q: Know why skeletons are so calm?
A: Because nothing gets under their skin.

 

Q: Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating?

A: Because they have no body to go with.

 

Q: What did the skeleton bring to the dinner party?

A: Spare-ribs.

 

Q: Why wouldn’t the skeleton cross the road?

A: No guts

 

Q: Why do skeletons make good comedians?
A: They are two humerus.

 

A skeleton walked into a bar and said, “I’ll have a beer.  And a mop.”

 

Q: I heard there is a skeleton in your closet?!
A: No, the body hasn’t decomposed yet.

 

And some topical riddles.

 

Q: Where do deviled eggs come from?
A: Evil hens.

 

Q: Why did the monster go inside the bar?
A: For the boos.

 

Q: What happened to the man who got behind on payments to his exorcist?
A: He got repossessed.

 

An enterprising journalist decided to get the scoop of the day by photographing the fearsome phantom that lived in the spooky old mansion house at the edge of town.
When he entered the house, armed with only his camera, the ghost descended upon him, moaning and wailing and clanking chains.
"I mean no harm; I just want your photograph," the journalist said bravely.
Pleased at this chance to make headlines, the ghost posed for a number of shots, and the happy journalist rushed back to his darkroom and began developing the photos.
Unfortunately, they turned out to be so underexposed that nothing could be seen in them.
He was distraught, and went to a local pub to drown his sorrows. Meeting his friends there, they asked what was wrong. Not wanting to tell the whole story, he simply explained with a single sentence.
"The spirit was willing, but the flash was weak."

And finally

A lad was on his way to visit his friend. Whilst driving, his car broke down and it began to rain so heavily, he couldn’t see his own hands in front of him. (Halloween super scary story)
He walked for as long as he could, but the rain became too much to bear. He found a tree and stood beneath it, waiting for a car.
Hours went by, and he was beginning to give up hope. It was a quiet road indeed that he found him on. The next town wasn’t for miles, so he’d have to stay the night under this tree if he didn’t find a ride.
Just as things were looking grim, he catches a light moving slowly towards him. He’s saved!
Desperate for a ride, he jumps into the vehicle once it stops for him. Once in, he turned to the driver seat to say thanks, and only then did he realize then moving car had no driver. The rain was so heavy, he couldn’t even hear the sound of the engine as the car slowly continued its journey.
The lad was too scared to move, too afraid to jump out of the car and run. Seeing the car was coming to a sharp bend that led down to dark water, he began to pray for his life. He was sure the ghost car would go off the road and into the river, where he would surely drown!
Right before the car made it to the bend, a shadowy hand reached in through the driver side window and turned the wheel, guiding the car around the bend, thus avoiding a wet demise for the lad. Just as silently, the hand disappeared through the window and the hitchhiker was alone again.
Paralyzed with fear, the lad watched the hand reappear every time they reached a bend. Finally, scared to near death, he’d had all he could take and jumped out of the car and ran towards the first town he could find.
Wet and in shock, he went into the nearest bar and told everybody about his supernatural experience. A silence enveloped the room and everybody got goosebumps when they realized the guy was telling the truth about the strange car and the ghostly hand that guided it on its way.
Just then, two men walked into the bar. They were dripping wet and as they took off their rain gear, they looked around the room. Their eyes came to rest on the hitchhiker. They pointed at him ominously, and he feared they were ghosts come to get him.
“Look!” said one of the men, “There’s the idiot who jumped into our car when we were pushing it in the rain.”