Sporting Life JOW #1202

 It is that magical time of the year when all four of the major professional sports (five if you count college football, which is pretty much professional now) are playing.  And I now have a chance to sit at home and watch post season baseball.  Just like the Yankees and the Mets.  So during this busy sports time I thought to share jokes about sports in general.

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An apartment building is on fire and a woman screams out the window for help.

“Just jump out the window,” a man yells. “I’m a baseball player. I can catch you.” 

“Wait,” she says. “What team do you play for?” 

“The Oakland A’s,” shouts the man. 

“Ehhhh,” shrugs the woman. “I’ll take my chances with the fire.”

 

During the World Cup in Brazil, the England team visited an orphanage. “It was heart-breaking to see their sad little faces with no hope,” said João, age 6.

 

Why don’t the Rockets have a website?

They can’t string together three Ws.

 

What does a Timberwolves fan do after they win the finals?
Turn off his PlayStation and go to bed.

 

Where do football players go when they need new uniforms?

New Jersey.

 

Why don’t grasshoppers watch soccer?

They watch cricket, instead.

 

Putin scored eight goals in the exhibition hocky game due to his being an excellent slap shot.

If you don’t let him score, he slaps and then shoots you.

 

A gymnast walks into a bar... so the judges deducted five points.

 

Why do hipsters love field hockey?
Because it’s ice hockey before it gets cool.

 

I've decided to participate in a competition of stair climbing. I guess I'll definitely have to step up my game.

 

I was in the gym earlier and decided to jump on the treadmill. People were giving me weird looks, so I started jogging instead.

 

The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back.

 

Baseball statistics are like a girl in a bikini—they show a lot, but not everything.

 

You want proof baseball players are smarter than football players? How often do you see a baseball team penalized for too many men on the field? 

 

Why does everybody sing “Take Me Out to the Ball Game” when they’re already there?

 

Have you heard the one about the bad pole-vaulter? It never goes over very well.

 

Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die.

 

Bacon was definitely the first-round draft pick in the BLT. No one’s building a sandwich around lettuce or tomato.

 

The rules of baseball and the plot of The Godfather are the two most complicated things that every guy understands no matter how dumb he is. 

 

Two men was playing chess when one said, 'Let's make this more interesting.'  So they stopped playing chess.

 

I already regret my choice of Juilliard to win the NCAA basketball tournament.

 

A woman was sprawled on the living-room couch watching her favorite show on the Food Network when her husband walked in.
"Why do you watch those food shows?" he asked. "You don't even cook."
Glaring back at him, she asked, "Then why do you watch football?"

 

When the patient was wheeled into the emergency room, the doctor could tell he was out of it. He asked if he knew the date. The patient didn’t.
Then the doctor asked "Do you know what season it is?"
He thought a moment. "Baseball?"

 

A big-time sports fan was watching a football game with his grandchildren. He had just turned 73 and was feeling a little wistful. "You know," he said to his grandson, Nolan, "It’s not easy getting old. I guess I'm in the fourth quarter now."

"Don't worry, Grandpa," Nolan said cheerily. "Maybe you'll go into overtime."

 

The high school had lots of spirit, but that didn't help the football team, who had yet to win a game. So when the principal saw some cheerleaders sitting in the stands, he asked, "Don't you think you girls should be down there cheering for your team?"
"I think," one of them said, "we would be better down there playing for our team."

 

Two old friends settled down to watch the Notre Dame Michigan football game on TV.

“Which team to you want to win?” asked one man.

“Well as a Catholic, I'm partial to Notre Dame football. As a former Michigan resident, though, I also keep tabs on Michigan college teams.”

"So, who do you want to win?" the friend repeated.

"Gee, I don't know," he replied. "I'm kind of torn between Church and State."

 

About to have a blood test, the man nervously waited while the nurse tightened a tourniquet around my arm. "I understand you're from Oklahoma," she said. "Are you a Sooners fan?"
"Absolutely!" He replied.
"Well," she continued as she raised the needle, "this may hurt a little. I'm from Nebraska."

 

During a game being played by a high school's football team one of the players take a hard hit. He tumbled to the ground and didn't move.
The coach grabbed the first-aid gear and rushed out onto the field. The coach picked up the young man's hand and urged, "Son, can you hear me? Squeeze once for yes and twice for no."

 

Back at my high school for the tenth reunion, I met my old coach. Walking through the gym, we came upon a plaque on which I was still listed as the record holder for the longest softball throw.
Noticing my surprise, the coach said, "That record will stand forever."
I was about to make some modest disclaimer that records exist to be broken, when he added, "We stopped holding that event years ago."

 

It was the first day of basketball practice in high school, the coach handed a ball to each player. "Fellas," he said, "I want you to practice shooting from the spots you might expect to be in during the game."
The No. 12 sub immediately sat down on the bench and began arcing the ball toward the basket.