Pumpkin Spice JOW #1204

 Autumn has finally come to east Texas.  It is a season of allergies, cool weather, and pumpkin spice  Why pumpkin spice?  I have no idea, but it’s Pumpkin Spice Everything.  “You heard it here folks, it’s back, free pumpkin spiced oil changes with every tire change!”  Fall, pumpkins, and pumpkin spice are themes for my JOWs this week.

How do you cure someone with a pumpkin spice addiction?

Apply the pumpkin patch.

 

IPAs are just pumpkin spiced lattes for white men

 

What grows when you plant a pumpkin spice latte and water it with vodka?

A sorority.

 

Did you know, you can make any dish an autumn dish by adding one simple step? Try dropping it on the floor. It really gives it that fall flavor.

 

Q: What do you give to a pumpkin trying to quit smoking?

A: A pumpkin patch.

 

What do you get when you drop a pumpkin?

Squash.

 

What's a pumpkin's favorite genre?

Pulp fiction.

A couple of Tom Swifties

“Pumpkin spice is the flavor of the season,” Tom said zestfully.

“This pumpkin spice donut is delicious,” Tom exclaimed hungrily.

 

Some Autumn jokes

I always start running in the fall.  Not all of me.  Just my nose.

 

A man owned four tents which he used for camping.  He uses all four at different times of the year, and each one is based on one of four different musical genres.  In spring he uses the jazz tent, in summer he uses the pop tent, in autumn he uses the classical tent.  And of course, the winter of our disco tent.

 

I usually say 'Autumn' instead of 'Fall'.

Sometimes it can be my downautumn.

 

Did you know that when leaves fall off of trees in the Autumn, it's because of nostalgia?

They're trying to get back to their roots.

 

A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked women with only her privates covered with leaves.
The wife doesn't like it and moves on but the husband keeps looking.
The wife asks, "What are you waiting for?"
The husband replies, "Autumn."

 

A herd of zebras are grazing peacefully. They begin to suspect that lions are waiting to ambush them in a nearby meadow. One of the zebras however thinks he knows everything and confidently declares that there can’t be lions because lions don’t move into that area until the autumn and so haven’t arrived yet.
The other zebras are skeptical, so not wanting to be seen as wrong the arrogant know it all offers to prove it. He trots into the suspect meadow and is promptly devoured by the family of lions he insisted weren’t there.
One of the other zebras shrugs and says “everyone knows the pride comes before the fall.”

 

There were four henchmen: Winter, Summer, Spring, and Autumn.

The boss stood before them.
"Winter," he began. "I need you to stay cool in the face of pressure. Ice in your veins," he said, patting his shoulder.
"Then there's you, Summer," he continued. "If the heat becomes too much for Winter, use that hot temper of yours to make sure the cops remember who they're working for.
"As for you, Spring," he chuckled, "this operation is gonna bring in a lotta green. Make sure that it keeps growing."
He turned for the door as Autumn stood up.
"Boss!" he sputtered. "What about me?"
The boss turned back, shaking his head.
"Sorry, son. You're just the Fall guy."

 

Some Fall-safe jokes.

If two meth heads start a relationship is that speed dating or just ‘mething around’?

 

Remember Elvira?  She was just a goth Dolly Pardon

 

Greenhouse gases are creating global warming.  So blow up a greenhouse today.

 

Collie: “What do you mean I’m too controlling?”

Sheep: “You herd me.”

 

A lady went to a pet shop and spotted a large, beautiful parrot, offered for sale for only $50. “Why so little?” she asked the pet store owner.

The owner replied, “Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of ill repute, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.” The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird. She took it home and hung the bird’s cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,

“New house, new madam.”

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought “that’s not so bad.”

When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them and said, “New house, new madam, new girls.” The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation. Moments later, the woman’s husband came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, “Hi, Keith!”

 

Here is an exercise for people who are out of shape: Begin with a five-pound potato bag in each hand. Extend your arms straight out from your sides, hold them there for a full minute, and then relax. After a few weeks, move up to ten-pound potato bags. Then try 50-pound potato bags, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-pound potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. Once you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

 

And finally, a seasonal joke to end it.

After a brutal late Autumn wind storm, I noticed that my young Elm tree had finally lost all of its leaves in preparation for the cold snowy winter ahead. I smiled to my self-realizing how nature helps all creatures prepare for the coming seasonal changes. But then my gaze was drawn to a red shotgun shell which had lodged near the top of the tree. I don't know if it was ejected there, or carried by a bird but you can imagine my surprise at seeing...

A cartridge in a bare tree.