Big Fat JOW #1208

I hope you all had as fine a Thanksgiving as I did.  One of the highlights of the day was seeing 77-year-old Dolly Pardon in a cheerleader outfit at halftime of the Dallas Cowboy’s game.  At first, I did not realize it was Dolly.  I thought it was maybe one of the Dallas cheerleaders from the last time the Cowboys won a Super Bowl.  I thoroughly enjoyed the Thanksgiving feast though it came at the cost of a few extra pounds – totally worth it.  My jokes this week start with poking fun the large segment of our population.

 

Why aren’t fat jokes socially acceptable?

It’s never nice to make fun at anyone’s expanse.

 

What kind of jokes doesn’t work out?

Fat people jokes.

 

I was able to burn 1200 calories in just 30 minutes – I left my pizza in the oven too long.

 

Why are drug dealers now selling LSD as the best weight loss medication? No one is going to cross a fire-breathing dragon blocking the refrigerator.

 

I suppose there are people who can pass up free guacamole, but they're either allergic to avocado or too joyless to live.

 

It has been said that the idea of accepting overweight people has been embraced by the wider community.

 

I looked at the Weight Watchers website yesterday.  They asked if I’d accept cookies.  Trick question?

 

In a way, gluttony is an athletic feat - a stretching exercise.

 

She had a body for sin.  Unfortunately, that sin was gluttony.

 

Eating too much cake is the sin of gluttony.  But not eating too much pie, because the sin of pi is always zero.

 

June is Pride month.  Apparently, November is Gluttony month.

 

Gluttony and Lust are the only sins that abuse something that is essential to our survival.

 

What do you call a man who became fat from eating too much McDonald's?

Big Max

 

These days, to me, going clubbing simply means getting a sandwich.

 

It’s better to never tell jokes about fat people. They never work out.

 

Word of the Day:  Cenosillicaphobia: the fear of an empty glass of beer.

 

Why did obese Romans prefer loose clothes? Because in Roman Numerals L is bigger than XL.

 

What do you have after eating too much alphabet soup?

A large vowel movement.

 

A woman tells her doctor she can’t help being overweight. Her parents, siblings and children are all overweight because it runs in the family. The doctor responds by saying “I seriously doubt anyone is running in your family.”

 

Enough with the weighty humor.

 

Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench, eating six bars of chocolate.

A man walked up and noticed Johnny devouring the sweets.

“Son,” said the man, “eating too much candy isn’t good for you.”
“My grandfather lived to be an old man,” Johnny replies.
“Did he eat six chocolate bars a day, too?” the man asks.
“No,” said Johnny, “He minded his own business.”

 

There is a store called Forever 21.  Is that where vampires shop?

 

Seeking one night stand.  Possibly two because I have two lamps.

 

One man’s cougar is another man’s grandmother.

 

I make mistakes; I’ll be the second to admit it.

 

If we keep making so much toilet paper, we are going to wipe ourselves out.

 

I have mixed drinks about feelings

 

Tradition:  Peer pressure from dead people

 

If you get locked out of your car, try talking to it, because communication is key.

 

If life closes one door, just open it up again.  That’s how doors work

 

Do songbirds get mad at hummingbirds because they don’t know the words?

 

You cannot run though a campground.  You can only ran because it is past tents.

 

Two mafia members are walking through the woods, late at night
The first guy says to the other: "I'm gonna be honest, this place is scaring the hell out of me"
The second guy chuckles and says "You're scared? I gotta walk back through here alone!"

 

I do not understand why women love cats.  Cats are independent.  They do not listen. They do not come when you call them in.  They like to stay out all night and when they are home, all they want to do is be left alone and sleep.

So, basically, every quality that women hate in men they love in cats.

 

How come John isn’t at work today?

He’s in the hospital.

Wow.  I saw him dancing at the club with some chick just last night.

Apparently so did his wife.

 

I’m not having much luck with jobs lately.

·         I wasn’t suited to be a tailor.

·         The muffler factory was just exhausting.

·         I couldn’t cut it as a barber.

·         I didn’t have the patience to be a doctor.

·         I wasn’t a good fit in the shoe factory even though I put my soul into it.

·         The paper shop folded.

·         Pool maintenance was too draining.

·         I got fired from the cannon factory.

·         And I just couldn’t see any future as a historian.

 

And finally

The leader of the vegetarian society just couldn’t control himself anymore. He just needed to try some pork, just to see what it tasted like. So, one summer day he told his members he was going on a vacation. He packed out of town, and headed to the nearest restaurant. After sitting down, he ordered a roasted pig, and impatiently waited for his delicacy. After just a few minutes, he heard someone call his name, and to his great chagrin he saw one of his fellow members walking towards him. Just at that same moment, the waiter walked over, with a huge platter, holding a full roasted pig with an apple in its mouth.

“Isn’t that something,” says the leader “all I do is order an apple, and look what it comes with!”