Tardy JOW #1206

 Last week I was early and hasty because I was going on a little one-week vacation to the Smoky

Mountains.  This week I am a bit tardy for the same reason.  That gave me my theme: tardiness.

And if any of you are interested in the burgeoning entertainment cluster of the

Gatlinburg/Pidgeon Forge Tennessee area, let me know and I will forward you my writeup.  

Here are my jokes of the week.

 

What's the difference between having a latte and being late.

Whether or not you have time for ‘t’

 

What did the guy who got fired for always being late say?

It was just a matter of time.

 

Boss: This is the third time you've been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?

Employee: That it's only Wednesday

 

Me: Sorry for being late, I was having some computer issues.

Boss: Hard drive?
Me: No, the commute was fine. It was my laptop.

 

I bought a sail for my boat on Amazon the other day. Today it dawned on me that it's not the right size so I called to cancel. They said it's too late.

That sail has shipped.

 

I was 16 minutes late for my first math lecture, eight minutes late for the second, and four minutes late for the third.

At this rate, I’ll never be there on time.

 

A physics professor decided to give a student individual lessons as punishment for always being late. He was instructed to arrive half an hour before class started.

“Remember”, the professor said, “if you’re on time, you’re late, but if you’re early, you’re on time”.

The next morning, the student dashed straight to class, making it there exactly a half hour before class started, and unsure if this counted as being late.
“I’m here professor, what’s the lesson about?” he asked.
“Well, it’s about time.”

 

Boss: You're four hours late! What's the matter?

Employee: I fell from the 2nd floor this morning.
Boss: That's 20 feet.   It shouldn't take you more than five seconds!

 

What's ironic about being late to your Optometrist appointment?

They can't see you.

 

A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.
However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:
'I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his best friend’s wife, and taken illegal drugs. I was appalled. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.'...
Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:
'I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,' said the politician. 'In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.'
Moral: Never, Never, Never Be Late!

 

Late one night a police officer was patrolling a desolate area popular with young couples doing more than just sitting in the dark.

Catching his attention was a couple in a car with the interior light on. Moving closer, the cop could see a young man behind the steering wheel reading a newspaper. In the backseat a young blonde was knitting.
The lawman walked up to the vehicle and knocked on the driver-side window. The startled lad rolled it down and said, “Yes, Officer?”
“What are you doing?” the cop asked.
“Isn’t it obvious?” the young man replied. “I’m reading today’s newspaper.”
Pointing to the blonde in the backseat, the policeman grunted, “And what’s she doing?”
“I believe she’s knitting a sweater,” the guy behind the wheel responded.
“How old are you?” the cop inquired.
“I’m 22, Officer.”
“And the girl—how old is she?”
The dude in the driver’s seat looked at his watch and said, “She’ll turn 18 in ten minutes.”

 

And finally:

An older man is finally able to leave the Soviet Union in the late 1980s for the first time in his life.  His wife and son had already left and settled in the States, and at last he was able to go and join them.
On his way out through the Soviet border, the guard looks through his luggage and finds a bust of Lenin.
"What is this?" he asks.
"Don't ask me *what* this is, ask me *who* this! This is Vladimir Lenin, the great hero that fought for the rights of the people in our country, and I'm bringing him with me to remind myself to continue that battle in America!"
The guard lets him through, and he is able to go on the plane to America. Once he arrives, the American border guard goes through his luggage and finds the bust of Lenin.
"What is this?" he asks.
"Don't ask me *what* this is, ask me *who* this! This is Vladimir Lenin, the fiendish monster who destroyed my beautiful homeland! I am bringing him with me to remind myself the mistakes of the past."
The guard lets him through, and he is able to go into the country, where he takes a taxi to the house his wife and son are staying. After reuniting with them, the son sees the bust of Lenin, and asks, "Papa, who is this?"
The man smiles and says, "my son, don't ask me *who* this is, ask me *what* this! This, my son, is 18 pounds of gold!"