Thanksgiving JOW #1207

 It's already Thanksgiving again, because time flies — even if turkeys don't.  I love Thanksgiving primarily because I get to see family I often do not see during the year.  I do have to be careful, however.  Apparently, the phrase ‘Look how big you’re getting!” should only be directed to the youngsters.  Of course, after Thanksgiving comes the dreaded Black Friday. I approximated the Black Friday experience at home by hurling myself into a wall a number of times and then ordering online.  I hope all of you can have a nice Thanksgiving feast with friends and family.

 

People tell me that cooking is easy, but it’s not easier than not cooking.

 

If things go wrong with Thanksgiving dinner, don't lose your head. The turkey already did that for you.

 

Walmart has a special promotion in California this week.  Free turkeys if you can outrun security.

 

I shot my first-ever turkey for Thanksgiving this year. It sure scared everyone in the grocery store, though.

 

A guy checked into rehab the day after Thanksgiving. As it turns out, he just couldn’t quit cold turkey.

 

A new survey found that 80 percent of men claim they help cook Thanksgiving dinner. Which makes sense, when you hear they consider saying 'that smells good' to be helping.

 

This morning, my wife said she wanted me to help fix Thanksgiving dinner. I said, “Why? Is it broken?”

 

I think my favorite Thanksgiving food is pie, but some people say that’s irrational.  (Math joke)

 

One Thanksgiving morning, a farmer walks into his house with a turkey under his arm. “I’m here with the pig,” he says.

“That’s a turkey,” his wife says.

The man answers, “I wasn’t talking to you."

Thanksgiving riddles

Q: What’s the difference between Election Day and Thanksgiving Day?
A: On Thanksgiving, you get a turkey for one day. On Election Day, you get a turkey for four years.

 

Q: How many cooks does it take to stuff a turkey?
A: Only one, but you have to really squeeze him in there.

 

Q: If the Pilgrims were still alive today, what would they be most famous for?
A: Their age.

 

Q: What can never, ever be eaten for Thanksgiving dinner?
A: Thanksgiving breakfast.

 

Q: What always comes at the end of Thanksgiving? 

A: The G

 

Q: What are turkeys thankful for on Thanksgiving?
A: Vegans.

 

Concerned that he might have put on a few pounds, a husband exited the bathroom and asked, “Do you think my chin is getting fat?”

His wife smiled lovingly and replied, “Which one?”

 

A company gave out Thanksgiving turkeys to retired employees. All they have to do is stop by the plant to pick them up. A few days before the holiday, a retiree called to ask, “What time do the turkeys get in?”

The receptionist, without thinking, responded, “Everyone starts at eight.”

Some non-thankful jokes.

On the way to meet her husband at a restaurant, she realized that she didn’t have her phone and immediately panicked. Her husband saw the phone on the couch at home and brought it with him. When he arrived, the wife checked her texts. There was only one, and it was from him: “I’m on my way, and I have your phone.” 

 

How is a wife like bacon?
– They both look, smell, and taste amazing. They also both slowly kill you.

 

Behind every angry woman is a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong.

 

One night as a mother was putting my 2 1/2-year-old daughter to bed, she saw a bright full moon in the sky. Mom let her look at the moon for a minute and then asked, “Who made the moon?”

“God,” came her reply.

“And the stars?” she asked.

Again, the answer was, “God.”

She continued with a few more questions: Who made the trees, the flowers, etc. Finally, she asked, “Who made Daddy?”

She said, “Grandma.”

 

Therapist: I’ve concluded that you are incapable of describing your feelings. Patient: I can’t say that I am surprised!

 

“Ever have one of those days when you feel everyone is out to get you?” She smiled and replied, “I take medication for that.”

 

Questionable safety note on a hedge trimmer: “A built-in safety switch prevents accidental starting, and blades will stop when you take one hand off.” 

A few words that we need to invent.

Chairdrobe (n.): piling clothes on a chair in place of a closet or dresser. 

Epiphanot (n.): an idea that seems like an amazing insight to the conceiver but is in fact pointless, mundane, stupid, or incorrect. 

Internest (n.): the cocoon of blankets and pillows you gather around yourself while spending long periods of time on the Internet. 

Textpectation (n.): the anticipation felt when waiting for a response to 
a text. 

Unkeyboardinated (adj.): when you’re unable to type without repeatedly making mistakes. 

 

And finally

Karen goes to the doctor not feeling well. Karen: Doctor, I’ve not been feeling well lately.

Doctor: I’ve looked at your lab reports and I’m afraid I have some bad news.
Karen: Don’t give me this lab nonsense. I believe in homeopathic medicine, faith-based approaches and healing crystals. All my life, they have never failed me. Now will you do things my way or do I need to see the manager?!?
Doctor: Sure, we’ll do things your way. No need to raise your temper. Why don’t we try an astrology-based approach?
Karen: At last, a sensible approach.
Doctor: So, what’s your star sign?
Karen: it’s Cancer.
Doctor: Well, what a coincidence.