Hasty JOW #1205

 

I had to kinda throw this JOW together due my grueling schedule of parties, plays, hunting, and vacation trips.  You may remember a few of these jokes; or perhaps are suppressing them.  Anyway, here are a few jokes

Let me start with some quick ones.

 

·         What falls, but never needs a bandage? The rain.

·         I was going to tell you a joke about boxing but I forgot the punch line.

·         Why did the egg hide? It was a little chicken.

·         What did the dirt say to the rain? If you keep this up, my name will be mud!

·         Why couldn't the sunflower ride its bike? It lost its petals.

·         I ate a clock yesterday. It was very time-consuming.

·         Why did the cow jump over the moon? The farmer had cold hands.

·         What do you call a pudgy psychic? A four-chin teller.

·         We know why the turtle crossed the road.  To get to the Shell station.

·         Who picks up guide dog poop?

·         I no longer ‘seize the day’.  It’s more like poking it with a stick.

 

 

If Elon Musk's space company establishes a Mars colony, and you have a girlfriend on Mars, but break up because of long distance, she'd be your....Space X.

 

English is strange.  The three ‘c’s in Pacific Ocean are all pronounced differently.  It’s a wonder any of us can read.

 

I sometimes use big words that I don’t know the meaning of to make me seem more perpendicular   

 

An inspirational quote:

Believe in yourself, even if no one else does - Big Foot.

 

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Give a man a poisoned fish and you feed him for the rest of his life.

 

Why does everyone associate heavy metal with Satan.  For all we know could like cool jazz.

 

One of the oddities of Wall Street is that it is the dealer and not the customer who is called broker.

 

A grasshopper walks into a bar and asks the bartender to recommend a drink.

The bartender looks at him and says, “Well, they named a drink after you.”
“Really?” replies the grasshopper. “There’s a drink named Stan?”

 

A man comes home after a hard day’s work and opens the refrigerator
to get a soda. Inside, he sees a squirrel taking a nap.
“What are you doing in my fridge?” the man asks.
The squirrel opens one sleepy eye and says, “Isn’t this a Westinghouse?”
“Um, yes,” the man replies. “It is.”
“Well then,” the squirrel says, shutting his eyes again, “I am twying to west.”

 

Two golfers and a priest went out to play a few rounds
The first golfer missed a key swing.
“Damn, I missed!” he said.
The priest scolded him, saying that God would punish him for taking the Lord’s name in vain.
However, it happened again.
“Damn, I missed!”
The priest tutted and reminded him to keep the Lord’s name holy.
Finally, the golfer flubbed again.
“Damn, I missed!”
The heavens opened up and a massive finger pointed through the clouds, igniting a lightning bolt that crackled and blasted… the priest.
As the golfers looked at the dead priest and then looked up at the sky in confusion, a profound voice echoed from above:
“DAMN, I MISSED!”

 

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, some of the training of the astronauts took place on a Navajo reservation.

One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question that his son translated. "What are these guys in the big suits doing?"

A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts. Recognizing a promotional opportunity, the NASA folks found a tape recorder.

After the old man recorded his message, they asked his son to translate it. He refused. The NASA PR people brought the tape to the reservation, where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed, but refused to translate the elder's message.

Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government translator. His translation of the old man's message was: "Watch out for these guys; they have come to steal your land."

 

An engineer who was unemployed time decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic: "A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we'll pay you $1,000 if we fail."

A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.
Doctor: "I have lost my sense of taste."
Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Doctor: "This is Gasoline!"
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."
The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money.
Doctor: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Doctor: "But that is Gasoline!"
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."
The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several days, more determined than ever to make his money back.
Doctor: "My eyesight has become weak."
Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 11 and put 3 drops in the patient’s eyes.”
The nurse walks in carrying box #22.
Doctor: "Wait, that’s the box with the gasoline in it!”
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your vision back! That will be $500."

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Finally, a few thoughts about something I recently discovered.  People talk about a billion a lot.  I think we need to put that number into perspective. 

 

A thousand seconds is 16 minutes

A million seconds is 11 days.

A billion seconds is almost 31 years.

A billion is a lot.