Cookie JOW #1219

 It is that time of year again – Girl Scout Cookie season.  I love those cookies.  Okay, I love almost all cookies.  This is a problem because I really shouldn’t (and don’t) eat cookies anymore.  Maybe that is part of the reason I love cookies so much.  Fortunately, jokes about cookies are also low calorie.  I hope you enjoy these joke which are (mostly) about cookies.

 

Losing weight using the internet is so difficult.

Like every weight loss website I visit, I get cookies.

 

There is a new machine at the gym. It’s truly awesome!

I almost threw up after using it for an hour, it really has it all.

Cookies, chocolate bars, chips, sodas.

 

My computer became self-aware and asked for a snack.

I replied, “Sorry I’m fresh out of computer chips.”

Now it’s asking me for a byte of cookies.

 

What's Cookie Monster's favorite Pink Floyd song?

Comfortably Nom nom nom nom.

 

What do you call a 70's cookie band?

OREO Speedwagon

 

I ate too much cookie dough and got sick

It was an overdoughse.

 

Why did the Oreo cookie go to the dentist?

Because he lost his filling.

 

What do you call a metric cookie?

A gram cracker.

 

Just got to get this off my chest.... I'm getting sick and tired of people complaining about the price of things, $3.70 for coffee, $1.50 a cookie, $4.00 an hour for parking.

If I hear any more moaning. I'm stopping inviting people to my house.

 

What did the Hershey’s bar, the marshmallow, and the cookie use to communicate?

S'morse Code

 

I just opened up a fortune cookie and there wasn’t a fortune inside.

I thought to myself, “that’s unfortunate.”

 

Today a fortune cookie told me that ‘Every exit is an entrance’.

But my girlfriend says ‘no’.

 

Here is a joke for Debi and Bill

A CEO, a laborer, and an immigrant are at a table.  The table has 20 cookies. The CEO takes 19 cookies and says to the laborer, “look out, that immigrant is trying to take your cookie!”

 

An employee at the cookie factory fell into the dough mixing vat.

It looks like he's going to make it, but he was badly battered.

 

My fortune cookie said my dreams would become reality.

Great...So, I'll be in my underwear at school, late for a class I can't find.
Thanks, fortune cookie.

 

What do you call a drawing of a laughing cookie?

A snicker-doodle.

 

My wife just got done making some cookie dough.

Wife: "Do you want to lick clean one of the beaters?"
Me: "Does it have raw egg in it?"
Wife: "It does..."
Me: "Well, I might get sick... But that's a whisk I'm willing to take."

 

A woman’s husband left her.  Devastated, she doesn’t know how to continue to live her life but then she hears that there’s a very wise monk who lives up in a mountain, and she decides to go there to consult him.

After few days of traveling, she reaches the top of the mountain and meets the wise monk, telling him, “I have spent my whole life with him, my youth was dedicated to support him, take care of him. And now he left me for some skinny women. My life is stolen, and I’m left with nothing. I don’t know what to do”.

The monk gives her a cookie and asks her to eat it. After she finishes eating, he asks her, “Is the cookie delicious?”

“Yes,” she replies.

“Do you want another one?”

“Yes, please.”

The monk looks her in the eyes and says, “Do you see the problem now?”

The woman thinks for a while, and then slowly speaks. “I guess human nature is greedy. You got one, then you want more, maybe a new one, bigger one. It’s never enough. And nothing lasts forever, anything is impermanence. We should be aware and not disappointed for that.”

The monk shakes his head, “No, I mean you are too fat, you should eat less.”

 

On a visit to New York, an Englishman and a Scotsman go to a pastry shop.

The Englishman whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed. The baker doesn’t notice.

The Englishman says to the Scotsman, “You see how clever we English are? You’ll never beat that!”

The Scotsman says to the Englishman, “Watch this, a Scotsman is cleverer than an Englishman.”

He says to the baker, “Give me a cookie, I can show you a magic trick!”

The baker gives him the cookie which the Scotsman promptly eats. Then he says to the baker, “Give me another cookie for my magic trick.”

The baker is getting suspicious, but he gives it to him. He eats this one too. Then he says again, “Give me one more cookie.”

The baker is getting angry now but gives him one anyway. The Scotsman eats this one too. Now the baker is really mad, and he yells, “And where is your famous magic trick?”

The Scotsman says, “Look in the Englishman’s pocket!”

And finally, one of my favorite jokes.

There is an old Irish man sadly dying in his bed in his home when he smells something amazing. It’s the smell of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

With his last strength, he gets out of bed, and he totters into the kitchen, where his wife of 50 years is cooking these beautiful chocolate chip cookies.

And they are on a plate, just out of the oven. And with his last human strength, he reaches over to take one of the cookies.

But his wife sees him and slaps his hand as she says, “No, those are for the funeral.”