Presidential JOW #1220

 Did you know it was Presidents Day Monday?  I think that means that if the President leaves the White House and if he sees his shadow, it’s six more weeks of bull sh1t.  Here are some quips attributed to various presidents and a few sort-of related jokes.

“So many quotes on the internet are wrongly attributed.” —Abraham Lincoln

 

“I just received the following wire from my generous Daddy: Dear Jack, don’t buy a single vote more than is necessary. I'll be damned if I'm going to pay for a landslide.” —John F. Kennedy, addressing complaints that his father’s money was buying the primary for him.

 

JFK was asked how he became a war hero. “It was involuntary. They sank my boat.”

 

“One useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, three or more is a congress.”  – John Adams

 

“When they call the roll in the Senate, the senators do not know whether to answer ‘present’ or ‘not guilty.'”  - Teddy Roosevelt

 

 ” Making a speech on economics is a lot like pissing down your leg. It seems hot to you, but it never does to anyone else.” – Lyndon Johnson

 

“People say I’m indecisive, but I don’t know about that.” - George Bush

 

"Being president is like running a cemetery: you've got a lot of people under you and nobody's listening." —Bill Clinton

 

“Republicans seem to support one fella: some guy named Brandon. He’s having a really good year.” – Joe Biden

 

''Many of you know that I got my name, Barack, from my father. What you may not know is Barack is Swahili for 'That One.' And I got my middle name from somebody who obviously didn't think I'd ever run for president.”  Barack Hussein Obama

 

Abraham Lincoln has lots of great quips here are just two. 

“If I were two faced, would I be wearing this one?”

 

Of one long-winded orator, he observed, 'He can compress the most words into the smallest ideas of any man I ever met.' "

 

Ronald Reagan also had a bunch of good lines:

"I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself."

"I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency -- even if I'm in a Cabinet meeting."

“Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession.  I have come to realize that it bears a close resemblance to the first.”

 

"I hope you're all Republicans." —Speaking to surgeons as he entered the operating room following a 1981 assassination attempt

~~~~

About his disappointing and difficult presidency, Martin Van Buren made no bones about the job.   “The two happiest days of my life were those of my entrance upon the office and my surrender of it,” 

 

One day first lady Eleanor Roosevelt left the White House to visit a penitentiary. When FDR asked where she was, he was told, "She's in prison, Mr. President."

"I'm not surprised," Roosevelt responded. "But what for?"

 

 “I don’t know whether it’s the finest public housing in America or the crown jewel of the American penal system.” – Bill Clinton

 

When Coolidge decided not to run for re-election in 1928, a reporter asked him, "Why don't you want to be president anymore?"  He replied: "Because there's no chance for advancement."

Political riddles.

Q. What was Herbert Hoover’s best quality?
A. He gave a dam.

 

Q.  How many of Biden’s presidential aides does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. None.  They prefer to keep him in the dark.

 

Q. Why are there not many films about Abraham Lincoln?
A. He doesn’t do well in theaters.

 

Q: What did they call George Washington’s false teeth?
A: Presidentures.

 

Q. In what state was Abraham Lincoln born?
A. Naked & screaming, just like the rest of us.

 

Q: Which rock group has four men who don’t sing?
A: Mount Rushmore.

 

Q: When is Presidents Day a sad reminder?
A: If your wallet is filled with pictures of the first president.

 

Q: What’s the difference between death and taxes?
A: Congress doesn’t meet every year to make death worse.

 

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Abraham Lincoln
Abraham Lincoln who?
Seriously? You must have done terrible in history class…

++++++++

Republicans and Democrats came together in Congress to allow medicinal marijuana for the purpose of relieving arthritis pain. So, there is joint support for joints for joint support.

 

Putin is running a contest for the best joke about his presidency. The first prize is 20 years.

 

One day the telephone in the office of the rector of President Roosevelt’s Washington church rang, and an eager voice said, “Tell me, do you expect the President to be in church this Sunday?”

“That I cannot promise,” the rector explained patiently. “But we expect God to be there, and we fancy that will be incentive enough for a reasonably large attendance.”

>>>>>> 

A man went into a seafood restaurant and asked for a lobster tail. The waitress smiled sweetly and said, “Once upon a time there was this handsome lobster…”

^^^^^^^

A grasshopper walks into a bar. “I’d like a drink.  What do you recommend?”

The bartender looks at him and says, “Well, they named a drink after you.”

“Really?” replies the grasshopper. “There’s a drink named Stan?”

Here is an old, sweet one to wrap things up.

In the public library, a man with his new library card questioned the pretty librarian.

“Do you mean to say,” he asked, “that with this card I may take out any book I want?”

“Yes,” she answered.

“And may I take out record albums, too?”

“Yes, you may.”

“May I take you out?” he ventured.

Drawing herself up to her full height, she replied, “The librarians, sir, are for reference only.”