Fast JOW #1222

 We are in the season of Lent.  For those who are not Christians, Lent is the 40-day season leading up to Easter.  Traditionally, we are encouraged to fast during Lent; to give up something like sweets, eating meat on Friday, cigarettes (in an earlier time), or perhaps even abandoning hard spirits (sigh).  Lent is when I determine which addictions I still have some control over.   Here are a few Lenten-related bits of humor.

 

For Lent this year, I’m just giving up.

 

I gave up procrastination for Lent this year.

Well.. I’m working on it…

 

I decided to give up complaining for Lent.

It sucks.

 

I’ve given up picking my belly button for lint.

 

I was going to give up lunch meat for Lent…

But I just couldn’t quit cold turkey.

 

I’m giving up being pessimistic for Lent.

We’ll see how long that lasts.

 

I’m giving up spreadsheets for forty days.

Excel Lent.

 

Why can't muggers catch Catholics during Lent?

They fast.

 

Lent was invented so that Catholics could take another shot at their New Year’s resolutions.

 

What’s Rick Astley giving up for Lent?
Not you.   (okay a hint on this one.  Remember the song ‘Never gonna give you up”?

 

What does the Pope eat during Lent?

Holy mackerel

 

There should be a holiday where we remember all the borrowed items we’ve given out that have never been returned.

We’ll call it “Lent”.

 

A Catholic priest spied a parishioner enjoying some tasty smoked sausage on Friday during Lent – once a strict no-no in the church.

The priest, being a pragmatic soul, told the man for his penance for eating meat on Friday was to bring a load of lumber to the church to help repair the roof.

The man grumbled but went off to do his penance.

He arrived at the church on the next Friday and proceeded to dump a load of sawdust into the parking lot.

“What’s this?” the priest wanted to know. “I told you your penance was a load of lumber, not sawdust.”

The man replied coolly, “Well, if that sausage I ate was meat, then this sawdust is lumber.”

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A man went to confessional with some horrifying news.  “Father, I think my wife has weekly sessions with the devil on how to be even more evil.  I don't know what she charges him for it though.”

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Forgive me father, pastor, vicar, padre, priest, for I have synonymed

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During Lent, a devout parishioner wanders through heavy rain past hamburger huts and steak places into Mount Angel’s monastery and asks for shelter. He arrived just in time for dinner and received the finest fish and chips he’s ever tasted.
He walks into the kitchen after supper to thank the chefs. “Hi, my name is Brother Michael, and this is Brother Francis,” he is greeted by two brothers.
“I’m delighted to meet you. I just wanted to say thank you for the delicious dinner. I had the finest fish and chips I’d ever had. Who cooked what, just out of curiosity?”
Brother Michael replies, “Well, I’m the fish friar.”
The man turns to the other brother and says, “Then you must be . . .”
“Yes, I’m afraid I’m the chip monk.”

 

A man walked into a bar and order a drink for himself and the empty seat next to him.

The bartender, perplexed as to why the man would order a drink for an empty chair, made two drinks for the man and the empty chair.
This seemed to happen every time the man entered the bar. He would order a drink for himself and an empty chair next to him.
Finally, curiosity overtook the barman, who asked the customer “every time I see you come in here, you always order a drink for the empty chair next to you. Why do you do that?”
The man replied “well, you see, I am a physicist, and quantum physics states that it is possible for the matter above the chair to spontaneously form into a beautiful woman, whom I hope to give this drink to and go out on a date”.
The bartender asks “Well, plenty of women come to drink here every night, why don’t you buy one of them a drink? Maybe one of them will go out on a date with you.”
To which the physicist replies “Yeah, but what are the chances of that happening?

 

And finally, here is a little amusing story by none other than W. Somerset Maugham:

There was a merchant in Bagdad who sent his servant to market to buy provisions. In a little while the servant came back, white and trembling, and said,

“Master, just now when I was in the marketplace I was jostled by a man in the crowd and when I turned, I saw it was Death that jostled me. He looked at me and made a threatening gesture.  Now, lend me your horse, and I will ride away from this city and avoid my fate. I will go to Samarra and there, Death will not find me.”
The merchant lent him his horse, and the servant mounted it, and he dug his spurs in its flanks and as fast as the horse could gallop, he went. Then the merchant went down to the marketplace, and he saw Death standing in the crowd. 

The merchant came to him and said, “Why did you make a threating gesture to my servant when you saw him this morning?”

“That was not a threatening gesture,” Death said, “it was only a start of surprise. I was astonished to see him in Bagdad, for I have an appointment with him tonight in Samarra." -