Angelic JOW #1223

 I know that I have been very fortunate in my life; it's almost like I had a guardian angel looking out for me.  I can just imagine my guardian angel talking to the other angels: “Look what moron did this time!   His last guardian angel ended up in rehab.  I’m gonna lose my job and wind up in hell.” 

So here are a few jokes roughly themed about angels.   

 

Did you hear about the man who was once visited by an angel but only described the measurements of a triangle to him?
He said, “It felt like a sine from God.”

 

What does an angel say at a pastry shop?
“Donut be afraid.”

 

What do you call a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you are wrong. The answer is “Nun of the above.”

 

What’s a fountain after an angel is removed?
A sans seraph font.

 

Angel: ‘Hey, Jesus! Some atheists are waiting for you at the gates of heaven!’
Jesus: ‘Tell them I’m not here.’

 

Have you heard about the Angel of Death that’s not so intelligent?
The Dim Reaper.

 

The angel of death appears before a lawyer and says, “Your time has come.”
The lawyer starts crying and wailing, “But I’m only forty.”
Angel of death says, “Not according to your billable hours.”

 

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Harold.
Harold who?
Hark the Harold Angels Sing!

 

Some women are like angels.
Even if they lose their wings, they still manage to fly.
Just on a broom.

 

Did you hear about the guy whose wife is an angel?
All his friends are jealous because their wives are still alive.

 

After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, “What are you going to do now?”
God said, “I think I’m going to call it a day.”

 

An angel walks into a hardware store and says, “I’d like to buy a Christmas tree.”
The cashier asks, “Are you putting it up yourself?”
The angel replies, “Yes.”

 

God was creating all the countries, and it was Canada's turn.

He turned to his angels and said, "This country will have unmatched beauty, plenty of natural resources, and its citizens will be the happiest and friendliest in the world."
The angels ask God, "Aren't you blessing this country a little TOO much?" and God replies, "Wait till you see who their neighbor is."

 

God was talking to one of his angels:

God: how many animals do we have left?
Angel: Just two
God: and how many legs do we have left?
Angel: 100
Centipede: DIBS!
Snake: Damn it!

 

A Priest dies and goes to heaven. As he's approaching the gates, he hears a band of singing and dancing angels approach, and he begins to get excited.

The lead angel approaches the Priest and asks if he would mind stepping aside for a moment.
Surprised, the Priest does as he's asked.
The angels march out of the gates and encircle a man who has also approached the gates. The man is in a bus driver uniform.
The joyous parade of angels carries the bus driver in ahead of the Priest.
When the parade is gone, an angel returns to the Priest and says, "You can come enter now.” The angel begins to lead the Priest inside alone.
The Priest, somewhat confused, says "I'm not one to make waves or anything, but I need to know something. I think I've been a good Priest. I've worked hard and served the Lord all my life. Why is it that the bus driver gets led in by a band of angels ahead of me?"
The angel says "Well, frankly, whenever you preached, people slept. But whenever he drove, people prayed".

 

A few non-angelic jokes

It’s that damn daylight savings time again.  Do workers at Stone Henge have to move all the stones forward one hour?

 

The fact that some people can’t distinguish between etymology and entomology bugs me in ways I can’t put into words.

 

In Texas there are farms who breed deer to have bigger antlers.  There are reputedly also farms that are breeding deer to be faster, but they are just looking for a quick buck.

 

Do you know what a wok is?

A wok is what you throw at a wabbit when you don’t have a wifle. 

 

Albert Einstein was a nice guy, but his brother Frank was a real monster. 

Bat Boy

 

“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.” -  Alec Baldwin

 

And a final guardian angel joke.

A man was walking by a construction site when he heard a woman yell "STOP!!!" The man stopped abruptly, and seconds later a brick fell and landed in his path. He looked around but saw no trace of the woman whose voice he heard.
A day or two after that, he was driving to work. Despite the music in the car, he heard the same voice yell even louder "STOP!!!" He screeched on the brakes. A huge truck breezed through a red light past the front of his car.
He couldn't have heard the same woman's voice in his car so acknowledging a divine intervention he went to the church to seek answers.
An angel manifested from one of the frescoes.
"Who are you?" asked the man.
"I am your guardian angel, It is my duty to protect you from harm's way. Since your birth it is me who has been intervening on your behalf against all peril" the angel replied. Then seeing the dumbfounded look on his face said, "I imagine you have some questions for me."
"You bet I do," the man said. "Where were you on my wedding day?"