Irishness JOW #1224

 Sunday was St. Patrick’s Day with all the associated Irish events, most of which involved marching, dancing, singing, and the consumption of alcohol.  I do enjoy Irish humor and it was easy to come up with a bunch of jokes about what can only be called ‘Irishness’. 

 

“An English lawyer sat with his Irish client. ‘Marty’ he sighed, ‘Why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he replies with another question?’

‘Who told you that?’ asked Marty.

 

What’s Irish and sits outside all day and night?

Patty O’Furniture

 

Did you hear about the fella from Mayo that was born with two left feet?

He went out the other day and bought some Flip Flips.

 

Paddy wandered into a doctor’s office and asked, “Do you treat alcoholics”,

The doctor replied, “Of course I do.”

Paddy said, “Great, get your coat on; I’m broke, and I need a drink.”

 

The barman says to Paddy, “Your glass is empty; fancy another one?” Looking puzzled, Paddy says, “Why would I be needed two empty glasses?”

 

Some Irishmen were standing around drinking and talking, and the question arose that ‘if you were stranded on a desert island, who would you like most to be with you?’
“My uncle Mick” replies Paddy.
“What’s so special about him?” asks a friend.
“He’s got a boat,” answers Paddy

 

“Young man,” said the judge, looking sternly at the woebegone defendant. “It’s alcohol and alcohol alone that’s responsible for your present sorry state!”

“I’m glad to hear you say that” replied Murphy, with a sigh of relief, “Everybody else says it’s all my fault!”

 

Patrick O’Shea called his lawyer and asked, “Is it true they are suin’ dem der cigarette companies for causin’ people to get cancer?”
“Yes, Patrick, sure is true,” responded the lawyer.
“And now someone is suin’ dem fast food restaurants for makin’ dem fat an’ cloggin’ their arteries with all dem der burgers an’ fries, is that true?”
“Sure is, Patrick.”
“And that a football player sued that university when he graduated and still couldn’t read?”
“That’s right,” said the lawyer.” But why are you asking?”
“What I want to know is, can I sue Guinness for all dem ugly women it made me sleep with?”

~~~

Old man Murphy and old man Sean were contemplating life when Murphy asked, “If you had to get one or the other, would you rather get Parkinson’s or Alzheimer’s?

“Sure, I rather have Parkinson’s”, replied Sean.

“‘Tis better to spill a couple of ounces of Jameson whiskey than to forget where you keep the bottle.”

 

Sheamus had long heard of the story of a family tradition. It seems that his father, his grandfather, and his great grandfather, had all been able to walk right across the lake to their local pub on their 18th birthday for their first legal drink. So, when Sheamus’ 18th birthday arrived he stepped confidently out onto the lake but he immediately sank and nearly drowned.

Furious and confused, he went to see his grandmother and said, “Gran ’tis my 18th birthday. So why can’t I walk across the water on the lake, like my father, my grandfather, and his father before him?”

Grandma looked deep into Sean’s troubled eyes and said, “Because they were all born in January, and the lake was frozen over; you were born in August.”

 

A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, “Get me a Guinness before it starts.”

The wife sighs and gets him a Guinness. Fifteen minutes later, he says, “Get me another before it starts.”

She looks cross but fetches another Guinness and slams it down next to him. He finishes that one and a few minutes later says, “Quick, get me another; it’s going to start any minute.”

The wife is furious. She yells at him, “Is that all you’re going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You’re nothing but a diabolical, desperate, mangled midden, and furthermore …”

The man sighs and says, “It’s started …”

 

Murphy goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. He pulls aside the curtain, enters, and sits himself down. There’s a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars, and fine chocolates nearby.
And on the wall a fine photographic display of various women who appear to have misplaced their garments. He hears a priest come in. “Father, forgive I think it’s been a while since I’ve been to confession and to be sure I must say that the confessional box is much better than it used to be.
The priest replies, “Get out, you idiot. You’re on my side!”

 

And finally:

The wise old Mother Superior from county Tipperary was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed, trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it. Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. Back at Mother Superior’s bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.

“Mother,” the nuns asked with earnest, “Please give us some wisdom before you leave us.”

She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and said, “Don’t sell that cow.”