On the Road Again JOW #1291

 I am about to embark on my annual trip to the Colorado Rockies in my trusty van, Freda, to visit old friends and family, and some brand-new members of the family for the first time.  I have pictures of my latest grandson, but it will be nice to see him in the flesh.  Because I am unsure of my precise schedule, I may or may not be able to send out a JOW next week.  I hope you are not too disappointed.  Here are a few road warrior jokes.

~~~~~

What happened when the car took LSD?

It went on a road trip and had an auto body experience!

 

Have you ever taken a road trip to the Seagate factory?

It's a hard drive.

 

What did the Lettuce Father say to his Lettuce Family when they started on their road trip?

"Lettuce travel!"

 

What makes amputees so bad on road trips?

They’re always on the last leg.

 

Where do bees stop to use the bathroom on road trips?

The BP station.

 

Where did the heart, liver, and kidney go on a road trip?

Oregon

 

Have you heard that Teslas don’t have that new car smell?

They have more of an Elon Musk.

 

Where does a sheep sit in the car during a road trip?

In the Ba a a ack

 

A guy on a long road trip walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm.

He orders two beers: "One for me and one for the road"

 

 

I went on a fantastic road trip with my friend in his Honda. We just agreed on everything: what to eat, where to stay, what to see and do.

We were of one Accord.

 

Two nuns were driving on night when a vampire flew out of nowhere and landed on the hood of the car. The first nun looked at the second nun and said, "Quick! Show him your cross!"

The second nun gets out of the car and shouts at the vampire, "Get the off my car you idiot!"

 

A jealous husband, while on a road trip with his friends, would call his wife every day to check on her.

Him: Where are you?
Her: At home in the kitchen honey.
Him Don't trust you. Can you run the food processor for me, so I know you are home?
Her: Sure Hun .
Whirrrrrrrrrr
Her: There you go.
Him: Ok. Talk to you later...
This went on for a few days. He would call her and ask her to run the food processor, which she would do.
One day he called home and spoke to his children: “Where is mom?”
Kid: No idea. She leaves early in the morning and comes back late in the night.
But she takes the food processor along wherever she goes.

 

Four guys are driving on a long road trip. It's the middle of the night in the middle of nowhere.

The guy from Idaho takes out a sack of potatoes and starts throwing them out the window one by one.
"What the hell are you doing?", someone asks. "Look, we've got so many potatoes in Idaho. I mean, we're overflowing with them. So whenever I travel, I'm supposed to get rid of as many as I can."
"That's not a bad idea," says the guy from Iowa. He produces a bag of corn and starts throwing ears out the window.
A moment later the guy from Austin opens the door and pushes out the guy from California.

Here is a physics joke.  I hope you are up on your famous physicists  

Heisenberg, Schrödinger, and Ohm are on a road trip, and they get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him, “Do you know how fast you were going?”
“No, but I know exactly where I am” Heisenberg replies.
The cop says, “You were going 80 miles an hour.”

 Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts “Great! Now I’m lost!”
The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop open the trunk. He checks it out and says, “Do you know you have a dead cat back here?”
“We do now, asshole!” shouts Schrödinger.
The cop tries to arrest them.
Ohm resists.

And finally

A man was driving in a deserted road at night, when suddenly his car starts to cough and splutter as the engine dies

He is forced to pull over to the side of the road in the complete darkness and silence of the night. He grabs his flashlight and pops the hood to see if there's anything he can do to get it going again. Unfortunately, he can't seem to figure out what's wrong with it and he starts to get anxious.
As he stood there, he starts to regret not checking the car before going on such a long road trip, when suddenly he hears a deep voice from the other side of the road, saying:
"It's your spark plug wire."
The man gets startled, and asks: "Who said that?!", as he points the flashlight to where the voice came from. There it was an enormous black horse standing on the opposite side of the road. The horse repeats:
"It's one of your spark plug wires; it's disconnected."
Completely shocked, the man gets even more confused when he sees the disconnected cable. He reattached it, rushed to his seat and started the car, screeching away. When he reached the next town, he ran into the local bar and asked for a double shot of whiskey. He drinks it in a single gulp, still trembling. A rancher sitting next to him notices the man's ashen face and asks: "*What's wrong, man? You look like you've seen a ghost."
"You're not gonna believe it*" — the man replies — "A talking black horse just fixed my car.

The rancher now looks just as surprised as the man and says: "Wow.  And he actually gave you good advice.  You got very lucky".

"Why?".

The rancher takes another sip of his beer and replies:
"Because that horse don't know nothin' bout cars.  He’s an accountant!"

Some Old JOW #1290

 They say you should write what you know.  My jokes are a form of writing, and I do try to have a theme so perhaps this applies to my jokes as well.  That might be why I have so many jokes about getting older – I know about that all too well.  Here are a few more jokes and observations about the back end of our life journey.

 

It's no joke getting older...

First your memory gets worse.
Then your hearing gets worse.
Then your eyesight gets worse.
Then your memory gets worse.

 

Steps in your decline:

First you talk to yourself

Then you argue with yourself

Then you interrupt yourself while arguing with yourself

Finally, you no longer speak with yourself

 

I decided I wasn't going to let getting older slow me down. But my body had other plans.

 

Some people age like fine wine. I'm aging like the ‘buy 2 get 1 free bottle’ of the driest red in the grocery store.

 

It can be dangerous being my age.  I walked into an antique store.  They wouldn’t let me leave.

 

One benefit of old age is that your secrets are always safe with your friends … because they can’t remember them

 

Now that I’ve gotten older, everything’s finally starting to click for me. My knees, my back, my neck …

 

What is a prize old people can win for aging?
Atrophy.

 

Retirement is what happens between doctors’ appointments and visits to the grandkids.

 

Don’t let aging get you down; it’s too hard to get back up again.

 

·        I’m getting older and wider instead of older and wiser!

·        The truth is that retirement kills more people than hard work ever did.

·        With old age comes wisdom … and early-bird specials

·        These days Happy Hour is just an early-bird special with alcohol

·        These days, rolling a joint usually means turning your ankle.

 

 

I used to work at HP.  Just before I turned 60 gave me an aptitude test.  They decided the work I was best suited for was retirement.

 

How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but it’ll take all day.

 

What’s the key to a structured retirement?
A rigid nap schedule.

 

I realized I was getting older when I saw a young lady walking down the street and thought to myself.  ‘I wonder what her mom looks like.’

 

I have reached that age if I stare at a woman’s chest it’s because I am trying to the words on her tee shirt.

 

As I'm getting older, I find that I'm using my glasses more.   When I was young I just drank straight from the bottle

 

Bickering with your spouse is like trying to read the Terms of Use for a new service. In the end, you just give up and click “I agree.”

 

As I am getting older, I start to think about all the people I’ve lost along the way.

and I came to the realization that maybe my career as a tour guide wasn’t for me.

 

As a tour guide, I have been in many places, but I've never been in Kahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Kahoots with someone.
I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.
I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my children, friends, family and work.
I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.
I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.
I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.
Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older
One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenaline flowing and pumps up the old heart. At my age I need all the stimuli I can get.
I may have been in Continent, but I don't remember it. It's an age thing. They tell me it is very wet and damp there.

~~~~

Fred found himself in a long line at the driver's license bureau and moved to stand in the shorter line.

He turned around to see an elderly woman just standing in between the two lines and not moving to get in either one. He watched as she pulled out her cellphone and began reading the news.

He was confused why she was just standing there reading between the lines.

>>>>> 

Love, Texas is a small but lively town.

Alyce Hills enjoys a morning stop on her way to work for coffee at the Love Café.

Everyone in town knows her as the head of Hills Temporary Agency, which locals simply refer to the agency as Hills.

That makes Alyce the head over Hills in Love.

 

And finally

The local journalist heard about a man turning 100 years old who had never had any alcohol in his life.

The journalist decided to interview him to highlight the health benefits of abstaining.
On the day of the interview the journalist is led into the old man's house by his caregiver. The caregiver took him to the old man who was bedridden and hooked up to an oxygen tank.
"So you've never had any alcohol in your life?", asked the journalist.

The old man struggled to answer, "That's right, son, not one drop."
"Would you say that it's thanks to abstaining that you managed to reach the amazing age of 100 years old?".
The old man was about to answer, but they were startled by a loud crash in the next room. They could hear curses and the sound of breaking furniture.
"What the hell was that?", asked the journalist.
"Oh, that's just my dad,", said the old man, "He's drunk again."

 

              

Journalistic JOW #1289

I recently read a comment: ‘I used to despise journalists until I got to know them, then I realized that I did not despise them enough’.  That pretty much sums it for me about modern journalism.   Journalists have been around for hundreds of years and have been hated most of that time.  Think of Voltaire sparking the excesses of the French Revolution.  Fake new was a feature during the American Revolution.  You can still read the horrible and false things journalists said about Abe Lincoln.  The Spanish American war was encouraged by William Randolf Hurst and his Yellow Journalism in large part to increase newspaper sales.   The news department’s job is to make money by getting advertising through ratings.  Further, the hard left turn first taken by first academia and then media means that all the members of the journalistic profession are like-minded liberals or leftists. They claim they are ‘speaking truth to power.’  Nonsense.  They put out scurrilous and/or salacious stories solely to gain attention for themselves.  The information they provide is meaningless chatter with all the spite of a vicious village gossip and all the perspective of a mayfly. 

I will now get off my soapbox.  I did that screed without even resorting to profanity.  Now here are some jokes about journalists.

~~~~~~~~~

Pessimist: The glass is half empty…

Optimist: The glass is half full

Journalist: You won’t BELIEVE the Shocking story of what’s in this glass!

 

What do you call a journalist who loves sex?

A Presstitute.

 

What’s a journalist’s favorite Vegetable? Leeks.

 

Why do journalists go to the same gym?

It has a really great spin class.

 

In high school I tried using anonymous sources instead of real citations.

This was not allowed, because I was a ninth grader and not a journalist.

 

Today’s News Brief: A courtroom artist was arrested during the trial. Details are sketchy. 

 

What do you get if you cross a sports reporter with a vegetable? A common tater

 

The newspaper hired a new Italian capital correspondent. They were the Times’ new Roman.

 

When it comes to fact-checking, journalists are lazy.

Source: Wikipedia.

 

A friend of mine quit his job as a reporter and left town by railway. It was an ex-press train.

 

I used to be a freelance journalist, but I was not any good at it.  Lance is still in prison

 

When journalists quote you, they have a subtle but unmistakable way to call out your grammatical errors. It’s a [sic] burn.

 

I went to a journalist’s house for dinner, and he’d pulled the labels off his ketchup, mayo and tabasco bottles. Apparently, he likes to keep all his sauces anonymous.

 

Journalist to Abused Wife

Journalist : Do you know what your husband does in his free time?
Wife : *shrugs* beats me.

 

How many journalists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Three:
One to report it as an inspired government program to bring light to the poor.
One to report it as a conspiracy to deprive the poor of darkness.
And one to win a Pulitzer Prize for reporting that the electric company hired someone to break the lightbulb in the first place.

    or

None: Journalists change facts, not light bulbs.

 

Journalism can be a dangerous career in some places

A concerned person became sick of all the corruption and injustice in the world and decided to expose it by becoming a career journalist.

Only three weeks later he was caught trying to reveal corruption by some high-ranking officials and was put to death.
You could say, he chose the wrong Korea.

 

Criticizing the government for Russian journalists … it’s a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

 

What happens to investigative journalists in Russia?

They're Putin jail

 

With the Russian Elections coming up, a reporter asks Russian President Vladimir Putin a question at a press conference.
"Do you think that a Russian woman could ever rise up to the highest office of our great nation and become president?"
President Putin responds immediately with a resounding "NO." without any hesitation, shocking all the reporters.
"Why do you think that Mr. Putin?" the reporter asks, surprised and confused at the blunt dismissal.
Vladimir calmly looks at the reporter and says "Because I am not a woman."

 

A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, “Read all about it. Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled!”

Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page. Finding nothing, the man said, “There’s nothing in here about fifty people being swindled.”

The newsboy ignored him and went on, calling out, “Read all about it. Fifty-one people swindled!”

 

At a news conference, a journalist confronted a politician running for office.

"Your secretary said publicly that you have a small penis. Would you please comment on this."
"The truth is," replied the Politician, "that she has a big mouth."

And finally, an oldie but a goodie
A biker is passing the zoo when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion’s cage.

Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her under the eyes of her screaming parents.
The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumps back, letting go of the girl.  The biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.
A New York Times reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter says, “Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life.”

The biker replies, “Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.”
The reporter says, “Well, I’m a journalist from the New York Times, and tomorrow’s paper will have this story on the front page… so, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?”
The biker replies, “I’m a U.S. Marine and a Republican.”
The following morning the biker buys The New York Times to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:
“U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH.”

 

 

Grab Bag JOW #1288

I normally have a theme for my jokes, but not this week.  I just have a collection of random jokes and observations.  I am not sure if the term 'grab bag' is still in general use, but the meaning should be clear even to the younger readers.  The horrific floods in the Hill Country are on my mind so a light flood jokes slipped in later in the post. 

 

I have many hidden talents.  I am not sure just what they are – they’re very well hidden

 

Someday you will find someone who will love you forever, no matter what you do.  It will probably be a dog.

 

You can’t help getting old but that doesn't mean you can’t stay immature.

 

I am not sure if we get wiser as we get older or if we just run out of stupid things to do.

 

Another thing about getting older, I am about as likely to get athlete’s foot as a coal miner is to get sunstroke.

 

I may be getting old but I am still keeping my strength up.  I can now lift $100 of groceries with one hand.

 

We get so much stuff from Amazon these days that we got a wedding invitation from one of our drivers.

 

I debated a flat earther once. He got so mad he stormed off saying he would walk to the edge of the earth to prove me wrong.

He'll come around eventually.

 

An old sailor once told me you could hear the calm before the storm.

He said it sounded like a C flat.

 

A man who lived by the sea grew a cucumber so large he was able to turn it into his house. One day a bad storm flooded the area with seawater and completely submerged his home in briny water.

Now he’s in a pickle.

 

My wife just shoved a key lime pie in my face and stormed out of the house!

I've been desserted!

 

BREAKING NEWS: A dyslexic terrorist had stormed the zoo.

He has taken 6 ostriches

 

If a class going to cosmetology school can’t make it because of a snowstorm, do they have a makeup day?

 

A waitress asked me if I wanna box for my leftovers.  It took three rounds before I won on a TKO.

 

My boss came storming into the office this morning, yelling that he’ll fire the employee with the worst posture...

I have a hunch it might be me...

 

Why do they call them thunderstorms and not lightning storms?

Thunderstorms just *sound* better

 

After cleaning up from a recent severe storm, my neighbor offered me free wood for my fireplace.

That was very nice of him. Free firewood doesn't grow on trees, you know.

 

A very international joke:

I was Hungary so Iran to the store to get some Turkey

Which I cooked in Greece, and served with a side of Chile, which I ate with my friends Jordan and Chad. Sudanly we had Togo because we were Ghana get in trouble because we didn’t Finnish paying. But I’ve Benin trouble before, there was Norway they were going to catch me,

 

A man was doing yard work this weekend.  His wife was in the house. He realized that he couldn’t find the rake so he yelled up to his wife, “Where’s the rake?”
She couldn’t hear him and so she shouted back, “What?”
He pointed to my eye, then to pointed to his knee and made a raking motion.

The wife wasn’t sure and said, “What?”.
He repeated the gestures: “EYE KNEE THE RAKE”.
She nodded and signaled back. She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her bum, and finally to her crotch.

Exasperated, the man went upstairs and asked her, “What the hell was that?”
She replied, “EYE – LEFT TIT – BEHIND – THE BUSH”

 

What do you call a parking lot that has been flooded?
Carpool.

 

Long ago the Vikings were going to divert the river to flood Paris...

But they didn't want to cause a Seine.

 

Why did the trout cross the road?
Because it’s flooded.

 

After the flood, Noah let out all the animals. Two by two, they disembarked from the ark.

As Noah breathed a sigh of relief, the two snakes that were on the ark came up.

“Noah, Noah!” they cried. “Can you get us some logs?”

Noah, groaning, complied with the request.

Months passed. Noah is making some food in his home when the two snakes he gave logs return with their kids. A lot of them.

They ask, “Can you get us more logs?”

Noah, clearly pissed, says, “Fine. But why the hell do you need logs to reproduce?”

The dad snake replies, “Oh, we’re adders, we need logs to multiply.”

And finally:

A couple were awakened at 3 AM by loud banging on their front door.

The husband got up, opened the door and there was a drunken stranger standing in the pouring rain, asking for a push. "Are you insane man?!!? It's 3 in the morning!!" He screamed, slamming the door and stormed back to bed...

"Who was that?" asked the wife.
"Just some drunk asking for a push." he grumbled.
"Did you help him?" she asked.
"No, I did NOT! It's 3 AM and it's pouring rain!"
"Well, you've a short memory." she said. "Don't you remember three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? You should be ashamed of yourself! Now get out there and help him!"
She had a point, and angrily, the husband got dressed and went out into the darkness, calling out, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes."
"Do you still need a push?"
"Yes please."
"Where are you?"
"Over here...on the swing."