Some Old JOW #1290

 They say you should write what you know.  My jokes are a form of writing, and I do try to have a theme so perhaps this applies to my jokes as well.  That might be why I have so many jokes about getting older – I know about that all too well.  Here are a few more jokes and observations about the back end of our life journey.

 

It's no joke getting older...

First your memory gets worse.
Then your hearing gets worse.
Then your eyesight gets worse.
Then your memory gets worse.

 

Steps in your decline:

First you talk to yourself

Then you argue with yourself

Then you interrupt yourself while arguing with yourself

Finally, you no longer speak with yourself

 

I decided I wasn't going to let getting older slow me down. But my body had other plans.

 

Some people age like fine wine. I'm aging like the ‘buy 2 get 1 free bottle’ of the driest red in the grocery store.

 

It can be dangerous being my age.  I walked into an antique store.  They wouldn’t let me leave.

 

One benefit of old age is that your secrets are always safe with your friends … because they can’t remember them

 

Now that I’ve gotten older, everything’s finally starting to click for me. My knees, my back, my neck …

 

What is a prize old people can win for aging?
Atrophy.

 

Retirement is what happens between doctors’ appointments and visits to the grandkids.

 

Don’t let aging get you down; it’s too hard to get back up again.

 

·        I’m getting older and wider instead of older and wiser!

·        The truth is that retirement kills more people than hard work ever did.

·        With old age comes wisdom … and early-bird specials

·        These days Happy Hour is just an early-bird special with alcohol

·        These days, rolling a joint usually means turning your ankle.

 

 

I used to work at HP.  Just before I turned 60 gave me an aptitude test.  They decided the work I was best suited for was retirement.

 

How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but it’ll take all day.

 

What’s the key to a structured retirement?
A rigid nap schedule.

 

I realized I was getting older when I saw a young lady walking down the street and thought to myself.  ‘I wonder what her mom looks like.’

 

I have reached that age if I stare at a woman’s chest it’s because I am trying to the words on her tee shirt.

 

As I'm getting older, I find that I'm using my glasses more.   When I was young I just drank straight from the bottle

 

Bickering with your spouse is like trying to read the Terms of Use for a new service. In the end, you just give up and click “I agree.”

 

As I am getting older, I start to think about all the people I’ve lost along the way.

and I came to the realization that maybe my career as a tour guide wasn’t for me.

 

As a tour guide, I have been in many places, but I've never been in Kahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Kahoots with someone.
I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.
I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my children, friends, family and work.
I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.
I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.
I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.
Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older
One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenaline flowing and pumps up the old heart. At my age I need all the stimuli I can get.
I may have been in Continent, but I don't remember it. It's an age thing. They tell me it is very wet and damp there.

~~~~

Fred found himself in a long line at the driver's license bureau and moved to stand in the shorter line.

He turned around to see an elderly woman just standing in between the two lines and not moving to get in either one. He watched as she pulled out her cellphone and began reading the news.

He was confused why she was just standing there reading between the lines.

>>>>> 

Love, Texas is a small but lively town.

Alyce Hills enjoys a morning stop on her way to work for coffee at the Love Café.

Everyone in town knows her as the head of Hills Temporary Agency, which locals simply refer to the agency as Hills.

That makes Alyce the head over Hills in Love.

 

And finally

The local journalist heard about a man turning 100 years old who had never had any alcohol in his life.

The journalist decided to interview him to highlight the health benefits of abstaining.
On the day of the interview the journalist is led into the old man's house by his caregiver. The caregiver took him to the old man who was bedridden and hooked up to an oxygen tank.
"So you've never had any alcohol in your life?", asked the journalist.

The old man struggled to answer, "That's right, son, not one drop."
"Would you say that it's thanks to abstaining that you managed to reach the amazing age of 100 years old?".
The old man was about to answer, but they were startled by a loud crash in the next room. They could hear curses and the sound of breaking furniture.
"What the hell was that?", asked the journalist.
"Oh, that's just my dad,", said the old man, "He's drunk again."