Xmas Week JOW #1308

Christmas Day is this week, as so the hurley burley of the season if in full cry.  I like Christmas but admit that it is best for families with little kids.  Nevertheless, it is a lot of fun.  I hope each and every one of you have a happy Christmas and a prosperous New Year.  Here is a gift of some holiday jokes to put you in a good mood – I hope.

 

Nick Cannon one tried gifting Mariah Carey a parcel of land for the holidays but she wasn’t happy.

She sang, “I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”

 

I always listen to Neil Diamond during the holidays.

He’s got sweet carol lines.

 

What did the hipster say the day after the holiday feast?

I liked the leftovers before they were cool.

 

When Jesus was given his gifts by the wise men...

Were they birthday presents or Christmas presents?

 

I always get the worst gifts for my wife.

She said the next time I bring her a bad gift she is going to burn it.

So I bought her a candle.

 

Why are socks the ultimate mystery gift?

You never know if they’ll pair well.

 

What do minimalists put on their wish lists?

Less.

 

I'm sending a lot of people telepathic Christmas gifts.

Because it's the thought that counts.

 

What dinosaur is the fastest at wrapping gifts?

The Velociraptor.

 

What do you call a glass gift, that’s also advice?

A clear and pre-sent warning.

 

Some knock-knock jokes that should be sung.

Knock, knock! 

Who's there? 

Freeze. 

Freeze who? 

Freeze a jolly good fellow

 

Knock, knock! 

Who’s there? 

Dexter. 

Dexter who? 

Dexter halls with boughs of holly

 

Knock, knock! 

Who’s there? 

Anna. 

Anna who? 

Anna partridge in a pear tree

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A Chinese-owned social media platform has been promoting breath mints to increase sales.

It's the TikTok tic tac tactic.

 

Why do Chinese people love iPhones and Apple products?

Because the greatest gifts are the ones your children made.

 

 I wanted to play D&D all day on Christmas but...No dice.

 

Son - “Dad I want some Bitcoin for Christmas”
Dad: - “What?? Why do you need $85K for? You know how difficult it is to earn $95K dollars? You will learn difficulty of earning $70K when you get a job.”

 

A man was looking for a last-minute Christmas presents was strolling around an old antique market when he spotted a life-sized brass rat figurine pushed into a far corner of one of the shops.  The owner warned him that this particular brass figurine allegedly came with a powerful curse.  The man disparaged this as superstitious nonsense and decided to buy the figurine.  The purchase was soon made and the man departed. However, he hadn't gone too far when he noticed a rat scurrying behind him.  Within minutes, the whole area was swarming with the vermin all following the man and his brass rat. Frightened for his life, the man raced down the road with an ever-increasing number of rats in pursuit.  Hemmed in by the rushing rodents he ran out onto a dock at the edge of the bay and threw the brass rat into the water. Lo and behold all the rats ran right past the man and followed the figurine into water.  Soon the rats were all gone.
He returned to the antique market and sought out the man who had sold him the rat.

When the shopkeeper recognized him, he said, "Back again already, sir? Is there something wrong with your figurine?"
"Oh, no, not at all," replied the man, "I was just wondering if you had any brass figurines of a lawyer."

 

And finally, a gift story:

Woman visited an antique store and found a beautiful wardrobe. She decided to buy it but explained that it was too big to fit through her door.
The clerk told her that they could disassemble it, deliver it to her house and then assemble it in her bedroom. So, they did just that.
Next day woman called to the store and explained, that her house is near the railroad and last night when train was passing by, the wardrobe couldn't stand the shaking and fell apart.
The store sent out a worker to reassemble and fix the wardrobe. He made sure to tighten all the screws.
But the next day she called again and explained that once again the wardrobe broke as train was passing by.
They again send a worker, he fixes it, tighten all the screws, glues some parts and tries to shake it to make sure it is sturdy as hell.
But the next day woman called again. The worker came to her house, assembled it again and then said. "Listen, I've assembled this wardrobe twice and it broke apart both times when the train passed by. I have no idea what's going on, but there must be some loose point inside; I just can't figure out where the weakness is. I propose that I go inside the wardrobe, wait for the train, and see what exactly is causing it to fall apart so I can fix it properly."
Woman agreed, so the worker goes inside the wardrobe with a flashlight.
As the worker is observing behavior of the wardrobe, woman's husband returned from business trip. He walks into the bedroom and sees the new wardrobe.
"What a beautiful wardrobe you bought" he said to his wife and proceeded to walk to the wardrobe and open it up only to see a man inside.
The worker look him dead in the eye and says: "You know, just beat me up now because you won't believe me when I tell you that I am waiting here for the train."

 

 

 

 

A New Old JOW #1307

I have always been interested in history and thus, archeology.  I have friends that still go on digs.  The subject was on my mind when it was time to do my weekly jokes.  Alas, I do not know all that many archeology jokes; it is considered a grave topic.  So, I when I ran out of those jokes, I shifted to the next best thing: antiques.

 

Why are fewer people going into archeology?

Because its career advancement is in ruins.

 

I dated a Greek girl during my latest archeology expedition.

Radioactivity measurements of her remains confirmed she lived around 700BC

 

What did the archaeologist find?

He won't tell me, but he said it's groundbreaking

 

After years of dating an Archaeologist, it’s finally over.

She was always digging up the past.

 

Archaeologists say that Roman cement was stronger than it is in modern times...

I need to see some concrete evidence

 

Archaeologists are the ultimate hipsters

They love all that underground stuff.

 

Archaeologists discovered an ancient city in Iraq.

According to the archaeologists, ancient Iraqis looked like skeletons, lived underground, and walked lying down.

 

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have.

The older she gets the more interested he is in her.

 

An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel...

and came upon a casket containing a mummy, a rather rare occurrence in Israel, to say the least. After examining it, he called Abe, the curator of the Israel museum in Jerusalem.
"I've just discovered a 3,000-year-old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.

Abe replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out."
A week later, the amazed Abe called the archaeologist. "You were right about both the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?"
"Easy. There was a betting slip in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."

 

John the archaeologist is digging under a theatre and discovers 5 pots of gold coins.  Ecstatic, he tells his lead archaeologist
"Graham, I've found three pots of gold coins!"
"What's that John? You've found two pots of gold coins?"
"That's what I said, a whole pot of gold coins!"

 

A team of British archaeologists at a depth of 15 feet and found an intricate network of copper wires.

From this, the team concluded that the Britain was advanced enough to have telephone connections in their cities 1500 years ago.
In response to this, Scottish archaeologists started their own expedition. They dug up to a depth of 20 feet and found an even more expansive network of copper wires. From this discovery, they concluded that Scots were advanced enough 2000 years ago to have telephone connections in all their towns and cities.
Not to be outdone by their old enemies, the Irish formed a crack team of their own archaeologists and sent them to dig. They dug to a depth of 25 feet and found absolutely nothing.  From this, they concluded that they were so far ahead of the British and Scots that 2500 years ago, they had wireless networks.

 

Thinking about old stuff got me onto the topic of antiques in general.

 

A man walks into an Antique Shop and asks “what’s new?”

 

You know you're getting old when you go to an antique auction and three people bid on you.

 

I inherited my great-grandfather’s antique wig-making equipment.

It’s a family hairloom.

 

Did you hear about the Irish guy who was assassinated at the antique store?

It was a knick knack paddywhack!

Shopping for antiques won't make you a lesbian, but it might make you buy curios.

 

I found an old violin and a painting in the attic.

The antique dealer said, "The good news is you've got a Stradivarius and a Picasso. The bad news is Stradivarius was a terrible painter and Picasso made crap violins."

 

I heard it took at least two elephants to make the ivory keys on my antique piano.

I had no idea they were capable of such delicate work.

 

When you pay a lot for an "antique" chair and then find out that it's just a cheap modern chair that the seller roughed up, that's distressing.

I was shopping online for antique guns, and I got to the World War II section. I selected guns of French origin. They were all in mint condition.  Most of them were never fired and only dropped once.

 

A man bought a grandfather clock from an antique store.  He carefully carried it out of the store onto the sidewalk when all of the sudden the town drunk runs into him knocking both of them down.

The man jumps up and said “Why don’t you watch where you’re going!”
To which the drunk replies “Why don’t you wear a watch like everyone else?”

 

And finally, back to archaeology

A team of archaeologists were excavating in Israel when they found a cave with the symbols of a woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish and a Star of David on the wall.

Pointing to the first drawing,
the head of the team declared: “This indicates these people were family oriented and held women in high esteem.
The donkey shows they were intelligent enough to use animals to till the soil.
The shovel tells us they were able to forge tools.
Even further proof of high intelligence is the fish:
if famine hit the land, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol is the Star of David, telling us they were Hebrews.”
However one of his fellow archaeologists begged to disagree.
“Hebrew is read from right to left,” he explained.
The symbols say:
“Holy Mackerel, dig the ass on that chick.”

 

Football JOW #1306

 

Football season is wrapping which makes it easy for a theme because a lot of teams this season are a joke. 

 

Did you hear about the Football player who’s missing 75% of his spine?

He's the Quarterback.

 

A football coach yelled at his team after the game:

"I TOLD YOU TO PLAY LIKE NEVER BEFORE, NOT PLAY LIKE YOU'VE NEVER PLAYED BEFORE"

 

A football coach was heading off the field after a terrible loss and a reporter asked him, “How do you feel about your team’s execution?”

He said, “I’m in favor of it.”

 

What would a Texans fan do if the Texans won the Super Bowl?

Turn off the video game and go to bed.

 

 What did the coach Say to the broken vending machine?
“Give me my quarterback!”

 

Year after year the Alabama college football team plays very well together?

It’s like they are all one big family

 

My wife just left me. She says my life revolves around football and she's sick of it.

I'm quite upset. We were together for seven seasons.

 

The New York Jets are really bad at football

No offense

 

Washington DC should have named their football team the Lobbyists.

They never lose.

 

According to some outlets, the Minnesota Vikings are considering changing their name to the Minnesota Somalia Pirates

 

In a recent poll, men were asked what do they prefer, football or sex?

Most of them responded, sex, but at halftime.

 

Wife to Husband watching football: “We can't continue this way. You have to choose. Football or me!”

Husband at the next commercial break: “Of course I choose you, honey.”

 

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "You know, I really can't see the Patriots beating the Bills tonight," he tells the bartender. "Are you crazy? Why not?" the bartender asks.

"Because my wife cancelled our cable."

 

A football team that needed to take a plane for their next game and all have first class seats.  Unfortunately, the airline overbooked first class and one of the players has to give up their seat.
A bench player stepped up and said, "Put me in coach."

 

My goal is to own a major sports franchise in Oklahoma that will attract people of my generation.

The team will take its name from Oklahoma's history as a "boom" state during the early years of settlement when people were rushing to get in. Our jerseys will say "OK Boomers".

 

I found a used football in a secondhand store.  I picked it up and took it to the counter.
"How much is this?" I asked
"That'll be $5" said the owner. "Would you like me to pump it up for you?"
"Of course, thanks a lot!" I replied.
So, he got a small pump from under the counter and in a few seconds the ball was as good as new.
"Ok, all done" he said. "That'll be $10 please".
"$10!!!??!!" I replied. "But you said $5 just now".
He shrugged and said, “Inflation".

 

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old football players aside and asked, “Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
“Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?”
The little boy nodded yes.
“So,” the coach continued, “I’m sure you know, when a penalty is called, you shouldn’t argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-head.”
Do you understand all that?”
Again the little boy nodded.
He continued, “And when I call you off the field so that another boy gets a chance to play, it’s not good sportsmanship to call your coach ‘a dumb a–hole’, is it?”
Again the little boy nodded.
“Good,” said the coach. “Now go over there and explain all that to your mother.”

 

It's Saturday morning, and a gambler calls up his bookie, and says he wants to bet on football as he knows a lot about football and is sure he can pick some winners.
The bookie tells him they have a full schedule of college football games today, and the gambler bet on six games. He loses all six bets.
The next day, the gambler calls his bookie again and says he wants to bet on football.
The bookie tells him they have pro football games today, and the gambler places bets on seven pro football games. He loses all seven bets.
The next day, the gambler calls his bookie again and says he wants to bet on football.
The bookie tells him there's a Monday Night Football game, and the gambler bets on it. He loses again.
The next day, the gambler calls his bookie again and says he wants to bet on football.
The bookie says, "It's Tuesday. There are no football games today. But there are a lot of hockey games you can bet on."
"Hockey!?" the gambler exclaims. "What do I know about hockey?"

 

And with the World Cup starting soon I have a few jokes about the other football game: soccer.  Which raises the question; why do they call it football if they play it with a soccer ball? 

 

If handball is played with your hands, and football is played with your feet ...I don't think I want to learn how to play pickleball.

 

What's the worst thing that can happen to a football player?

To have no goal in life.

 

Grandpa walks into his grandson watching a soccer match

Grandpa: who's playing?
Grandson: Czech and Slovakia
Grandpa: against who?

 

And finally,

The Nigerian football team apologized for their poor performance in yesterday's match.

They will be issuing refunds for anyone who purchased tickets. Just send in your bank details and pin number...

  

Cop Out JOW JOW #1305

My jokes this week are more or less about police or no particular reason.  Ya’ll be careful out there and avoid seeing party lights in your rear view mirror.  Here are some light jokes for your amusement.

 

What are the four food groups for cops?

Jelly, powdered, glazed, and chocolate frosted.

 

Police have arrested the World tongue-twister Champion.

I imagine he'll be given a tough sentence.

 

A rainbow was recently arrested and set to prism; it was a light sentence.

 

A naked man broke into a church. The police chased him around and finally caught him by the organ.

 

Breaking News: There was a break-in at the police station today and the toilet was stolen.

The police have nothing to go on.

 

There are a few criminals in my town that keep stealing wheels from parked police cars.

The cops are working tirelessly to catch the suspects.

 

I got a call from the police station saying they want to interview me.

Funny… I don’t remember applying for a job there.

 

A police officer asked me where I was between five and six.

I told him I was not sure but was probably in first grade.

 

“I thought cops didn’t give tickets to pretty girls.”

“We don’t’ Sign here.”

 

“My trained drug detecting canine tells me you are on drugs.”

“Hey, you are the one talking to a dog.”

 

An officer comes across a man who is clearly under the influence.

He says to the man, “We’re going to have to give you a drug test.” 

Without hesitation, the man replies, “Cool, which drugs are we testing?”

 

Officer: “How high are you?”

Driver: “No, officer, it’s ‘Hi, how are you?'”

 

Pablo Escobar was being informed on by local children. Mortally wounded by police gunfire, his last words to them were ‘I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you Medellín kids.’

 

Me and another coworker were competing to see who was the best at our drug testing job. I was winning until I misplaced a felon's probation samples.

So I guess I lost that pissing contest

 

Judge: “I thought I said that I never wanted to see you in here again.”

Criminal: “That’s what I kept telling the arresting officer, but he wouldn’t listen.”

The police came to my front door tonight holding a picture of my wife.

They said, "Is this your wife, sir?"
Shocked, I answered, "Yes."
They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."
I said, "I know, but she’s a great cook."

 

A police officer accidentally arrested a judge who was dressed like a convict for a costume party.

He quickly learned to never book a judge by their cover

 

A man filed a report to the police that his bag was missing.

Upon leaving the man's apartment, the officer found the man's bag at the bottom of the stairwell.
It was a brief case.

 

The police called to tell me that my wife was in the hospital.

"How is she?" I asked
"Very critical," replied the officer
"I know!  What is she complaining about now?"

 

"This is the hardest part of our job," said the police officer after Adam was pronounced dead in the scene of the accident.

"Yeah, but break the news slowly. His wife is a very sensitive person."
The police officer knocks on the door and Adam's wife opens it.
"Are you Adam's widow?" said the police.

 

Officer: “Do you know how fast you were going?”

Driver: “Sorry, I was just trying to catch up with traffic.” 

Officer: “There is no traffic. This highway is completely empty.” 

Driver: “That’s what I’m telling you — I’m really far behind.”

 

Officer: “I have to give you a ticket for not wearing your glasses.” 

Driver: “Officer, I have contacts.” 

Officer: “I don’t care who you know, you’re still getting a ticket.”

 

Officer: “I notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?”

Driver: “I noticed your eyes are glazed over. Have you been eating donuts?”

 

Knock, knock.

Who’s there? Dishes. 

Dishes who? 

Dishes the police. Open up!

A Southern Story

One day Bubba n' Buford were drivin' down the Farm to Market Road in their pickup drinkin' Lone Star longnecks n' chillin' out to Bob Wills "San Antonio Rose" n' low n' behold, they come over a hilltop and there's a DPS roadblock a stoppin' folks. Thinkin' quick, Bubba pulls over to the side a the road n' Buford says "What we gonna do, you get another DUI n' they gonna throw away the key n' I'm still on probation for that thing with the duck at the theater!" Suddenly Bubba gets a big smile n' says, "Here I got a idea...". 

Meanwhile the DPS knows these two good 'ol boys and watches carefully as they pull back onto the road n' ease up to the roadblock. As he looks in the drivers window there's Bubba n' Buford smilin' ear to ear with beer labels stuck to thier foreheads. With a serious look on his face he asks the obvious question, "You boys been drinkin'?" 

With a big innocent smile on his face Bubba says, "No sir. We're on the patch!"

 

And finally

On her death bed, the Sheriff's wife confesses that she cheated on him three times but swears it was always for a good reason. He asks what happened,

and she says, "Well, the first time, remember when Dr. Smith said he we couldn't afford the operation, and then he changed his mind and did it for free?"

He says yes and forgives her.

"And the second time, do you remember when our son got a DUI, and the judge let him off with probation?"

He says yes and forgives her.

"And last, do you remember when the polls had you about a hundred votes shy of winning the election for Sheriff?"