My jokes this week are more or less about police or no particular reason. Ya’ll be careful out there and avoid seeing party lights in your rear view mirror. Here are some light jokes for your amusement.
What
are the four food groups for cops?
Jelly,
powdered, glazed, and chocolate frosted.
Police
have arrested the World tongue-twister Champion.
I
imagine he'll be given a tough sentence.
A
rainbow was recently arrested and set to prism; it was a light sentence.
A naked man broke into a church. The police chased him around and finally caught him by the organ.
Breaking
News: There was a break-in at the police station today and the toilet was
stolen.
The
police have nothing to go on.
There
are a few criminals in my town that keep stealing wheels from parked police
cars.
The
cops are working tirelessly to catch the suspects.
I
got a call from the police station saying they want to interview me.
Funny…
I don’t remember applying for a job there.
A
police officer asked me where I was between five and six.
I
told him I was not sure but was probably in first grade.
“I
thought cops didn’t give tickets to pretty girls.”
“We
don’t’ Sign here.”
“My
trained drug detecting canine tells me you are on drugs.”
“Hey,
you are the one talking to a dog.”
An
officer comes across a man who is clearly under the influence.
He says to the man, “We’re going to have to give you a drug test.”
Without
hesitation, the man replies, “Cool, which drugs are we testing?”
Officer:
“How high are you?”
Driver:
“No, officer, it’s ‘Hi, how are you?'”
Pablo
Escobar was being informed on by local children. Mortally wounded by police
gunfire, his last words to them were ‘I would have gotten away with it if it
weren't for you Medellín kids.’
Me
and another coworker were competing to see who was the best at our drug testing
job. I was winning until I misplaced a felon's probation samples.
So
I guess I lost that pissing contest
Judge:
“I thought I said that I never wanted to see you in here again.”
Criminal:
“That’s what I kept telling the arresting officer, but he wouldn’t listen.”
The
police came to my front door tonight holding a picture of my wife.
They
said, "Is this your wife, sir?"
Shocked, I answered, "Yes."
They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."
I said, "I know, but she’s a great cook."
A
police officer accidentally arrested a judge who was dressed like a convict for
a costume party.
He
quickly learned to never book a judge by their cover
A
man filed a report to the police that his bag was missing.
Upon
leaving the man's apartment, the officer found the man's bag at the bottom of
the stairwell.
It was a brief case.
The
police called to tell me that my wife was in the hospital.
"How
is she?" I asked
"Very critical," replied the officer
"I know! What is she complaining
about now?"
"This
is the hardest part of our job," said the police officer after Adam was
pronounced dead in the scene of the accident.
"Yeah,
but break the news slowly. His wife is a very sensitive person."
The police officer knocks on the door and Adam's wife opens it.
"Are you Adam's widow?" said the police.
Officer:
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
Driver:
“Sorry, I was just trying to catch up with traffic.”
Officer:
“There is no traffic. This highway is completely empty.”
Driver:
“That’s what I’m telling you — I’m really far behind.”
Officer:
“I have to give you a ticket for not wearing your glasses.”
Driver:
“Officer, I have contacts.”
Officer:
“I don’t care who you know, you’re still getting a ticket.”
Officer:
“I notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?”
Driver:
“I noticed your eyes are glazed over. Have you been eating donuts?”
Knock,
knock.
Who’s
there? Dishes.
Dishes
who?
Dishes
the police. Open up!
A
Southern Story
One day Bubba n' Buford were drivin' down the Farm to Market Road in their pickup drinkin' Lone Star longnecks n' chillin' out to Bob Wills "San Antonio Rose" n' low n' behold, they come over a hilltop and there's a DPS roadblock a stoppin' folks. Thinkin' quick, Bubba pulls over to the side a the road n' Buford says "What we gonna do, you get another DUI n' they gonna throw away the key n' I'm still on probation for that thing with the duck at the theater!" Suddenly Bubba gets a big smile n' says, "Here I got a idea...".
Meanwhile the DPS knows these two good 'ol boys and watches carefully as they pull back onto the road n' ease up to the roadblock. As he looks in the drivers window there's Bubba n' Buford smilin' ear to ear with beer labels stuck to thier foreheads. With a serious look on his face he asks the obvious question, "You boys been drinkin'?"
With a big innocent
smile on his face Bubba says, "No sir. We're on the patch!"
And
finally
On
her death bed, the Sheriff's wife confesses that she cheated on him three times
but swears it was always for a good reason. He asks what happened,
and
she says, "Well, the first time, remember when Dr. Smith said he we
couldn't afford the operation, and then he changed his mind and did it for
free?"
He
says yes and forgives her.
"And
the second time, do you remember when our son got a DUI, and the judge let him
off with probation?"
He
says yes and forgives her.
"And
last, do you remember when the polls had you about a hundred votes shy of
winning the election for Sheriff?"
