Xmas Week JOW #1308

Christmas Day is this week, as so the hurley burley of the season if in full cry.  I like Christmas but admit that it is best for families with little kids.  Nevertheless, it is a lot of fun.  I hope each and every one of you have a happy Christmas and a prosperous New Year.  Here is a gift of some holiday jokes to put you in a good mood – I hope.

 

Nick Cannon one tried gifting Mariah Carey a parcel of land for the holidays but she wasn’t happy.

She sang, “I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”

 

I always listen to Neil Diamond during the holidays.

He’s got sweet carol lines.

 

What did the hipster say the day after the holiday feast?

I liked the leftovers before they were cool.

 

When Jesus was given his gifts by the wise men...

Were they birthday presents or Christmas presents?

 

I always get the worst gifts for my wife.

She said the next time I bring her a bad gift she is going to burn it.

So I bought her a candle.

 

Why are socks the ultimate mystery gift?

You never know if they’ll pair well.

 

What do minimalists put on their wish lists?

Less.

 

I'm sending a lot of people telepathic Christmas gifts.

Because it's the thought that counts.

 

What dinosaur is the fastest at wrapping gifts?

The Velociraptor.

 

What do you call a glass gift, that’s also advice?

A clear and pre-sent warning.

 

Some knock-knock jokes that should be sung.

Knock, knock! 

Who's there? 

Freeze. 

Freeze who? 

Freeze a jolly good fellow

 

Knock, knock! 

Who’s there? 

Dexter. 

Dexter who? 

Dexter halls with boughs of holly

 

Knock, knock! 

Who’s there? 

Anna. 

Anna who? 

Anna partridge in a pear tree

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A Chinese-owned social media platform has been promoting breath mints to increase sales.

It's the TikTok tic tac tactic.

 

Why do Chinese people love iPhones and Apple products?

Because the greatest gifts are the ones your children made.

 

 I wanted to play D&D all day on Christmas but...No dice.

 

Son - “Dad I want some Bitcoin for Christmas”
Dad: - “What?? Why do you need $85K for? You know how difficult it is to earn $95K dollars? You will learn difficulty of earning $70K when you get a job.”

 

A man was looking for a last-minute Christmas presents was strolling around an old antique market when he spotted a life-sized brass rat figurine pushed into a far corner of one of the shops.  The owner warned him that this particular brass figurine allegedly came with a powerful curse.  The man disparaged this as superstitious nonsense and decided to buy the figurine.  The purchase was soon made and the man departed. However, he hadn't gone too far when he noticed a rat scurrying behind him.  Within minutes, the whole area was swarming with the vermin all following the man and his brass rat. Frightened for his life, the man raced down the road with an ever-increasing number of rats in pursuit.  Hemmed in by the rushing rodents he ran out onto a dock at the edge of the bay and threw the brass rat into the water. Lo and behold all the rats ran right past the man and followed the figurine into water.  Soon the rats were all gone.
He returned to the antique market and sought out the man who had sold him the rat.

When the shopkeeper recognized him, he said, "Back again already, sir? Is there something wrong with your figurine?"
"Oh, no, not at all," replied the man, "I was just wondering if you had any brass figurines of a lawyer."

 

And finally, a gift story:

Woman visited an antique store and found a beautiful wardrobe. She decided to buy it but explained that it was too big to fit through her door.
The clerk told her that they could disassemble it, deliver it to her house and then assemble it in her bedroom. So, they did just that.
Next day woman called to the store and explained, that her house is near the railroad and last night when train was passing by, the wardrobe couldn't stand the shaking and fell apart.
The store sent out a worker to reassemble and fix the wardrobe. He made sure to tighten all the screws.
But the next day she called again and explained that once again the wardrobe broke as train was passing by.
They again send a worker, he fixes it, tighten all the screws, glues some parts and tries to shake it to make sure it is sturdy as hell.
But the next day woman called again. The worker came to her house, assembled it again and then said. "Listen, I've assembled this wardrobe twice and it broke apart both times when the train passed by. I have no idea what's going on, but there must be some loose point inside; I just can't figure out where the weakness is. I propose that I go inside the wardrobe, wait for the train, and see what exactly is causing it to fall apart so I can fix it properly."
Woman agreed, so the worker goes inside the wardrobe with a flashlight.
As the worker is observing behavior of the wardrobe, woman's husband returned from business trip. He walks into the bedroom and sees the new wardrobe.
"What a beautiful wardrobe you bought" he said to his wife and proceeded to walk to the wardrobe and open it up only to see a man inside.
The worker look him dead in the eye and says: "You know, just beat me up now because you won't believe me when I tell you that I am waiting here for the train."