Football JOW #1306

 

Football season is wrapping which makes it easy for a theme because a lot of teams this season are a joke. 

 

Did you hear about the Football player who’s missing 75% of his spine?

He's the Quarterback.

 

A football coach yelled at his team after the game:

"I TOLD YOU TO PLAY LIKE NEVER BEFORE, NOT PLAY LIKE YOU'VE NEVER PLAYED BEFORE"

 

A football coach was heading off the field after a terrible loss and a reporter asked him, “How do you feel about your team’s execution?”

He said, “I’m in favor of it.”

 

What would a Texans fan do if the Texans won the Super Bowl?

Turn off the video game and go to bed.

 

 What did the coach Say to the broken vending machine?
“Give me my quarterback!”

 

Year after year the Alabama college football team plays very well together?

It’s like they are all one big family

 

My wife just left me. She says my life revolves around football and she's sick of it.

I'm quite upset. We were together for seven seasons.

 

The New York Jets are really bad at football

No offense

 

Washington DC should have named their football team the Lobbyists.

They never lose.

 

According to some outlets, the Minnesota Vikings are considering changing their name to the Minnesota Somalia Pirates

 

In a recent poll, men were asked what do they prefer, football or sex?

Most of them responded, sex, but at halftime.

 

Wife to Husband watching football: “We can't continue this way. You have to choose. Football or me!”

Husband at the next commercial break: “Of course I choose you, honey.”

 

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "You know, I really can't see the Patriots beating the Bills tonight," he tells the bartender. "Are you crazy? Why not?" the bartender asks.

"Because my wife cancelled our cable."

 

A football team that needed to take a plane for their next game and all have first class seats.  Unfortunately, the airline overbooked first class and one of the players has to give up their seat.
A bench player stepped up and said, "Put me in coach."

 

My goal is to own a major sports franchise in Oklahoma that will attract people of my generation.

The team will take its name from Oklahoma's history as a "boom" state during the early years of settlement when people were rushing to get in. Our jerseys will say "OK Boomers".

 

I found a used football in a secondhand store.  I picked it up and took it to the counter.
"How much is this?" I asked
"That'll be $5" said the owner. "Would you like me to pump it up for you?"
"Of course, thanks a lot!" I replied.
So, he got a small pump from under the counter and in a few seconds the ball was as good as new.
"Ok, all done" he said. "That'll be $10 please".
"$10!!!??!!" I replied. "But you said $5 just now".
He shrugged and said, “Inflation".

 

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old football players aside and asked, “Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
“Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?”
The little boy nodded yes.
“So,” the coach continued, “I’m sure you know, when a penalty is called, you shouldn’t argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-head.”
Do you understand all that?”
Again the little boy nodded.
He continued, “And when I call you off the field so that another boy gets a chance to play, it’s not good sportsmanship to call your coach ‘a dumb a–hole’, is it?”
Again the little boy nodded.
“Good,” said the coach. “Now go over there and explain all that to your mother.”

 

It's Saturday morning, and a gambler calls up his bookie, and says he wants to bet on football as he knows a lot about football and is sure he can pick some winners.
The bookie tells him they have a full schedule of college football games today, and the gambler bet on six games. He loses all six bets.
The next day, the gambler calls his bookie again and says he wants to bet on football.
The bookie tells him they have pro football games today, and the gambler places bets on seven pro football games. He loses all seven bets.
The next day, the gambler calls his bookie again and says he wants to bet on football.
The bookie tells him there's a Monday Night Football game, and the gambler bets on it. He loses again.
The next day, the gambler calls his bookie again and says he wants to bet on football.
The bookie says, "It's Tuesday. There are no football games today. But there are a lot of hockey games you can bet on."
"Hockey!?" the gambler exclaims. "What do I know about hockey?"

 

And with the World Cup starting soon I have a few jokes about the other football game: soccer.  Which raises the question; why do they call it football if they play it with a soccer ball? 

 

If handball is played with your hands, and football is played with your feet ...I don't think I want to learn how to play pickleball.

 

What's the worst thing that can happen to a football player?

To have no goal in life.

 

Grandpa walks into his grandson watching a soccer match

Grandpa: who's playing?
Grandson: Czech and Slovakia
Grandpa: against who?

 

And finally,

The Nigerian football team apologized for their poor performance in yesterday's match.

They will be issuing refunds for anyone who purchased tickets. Just send in your bank details and pin number...