A New Old JOW #1307

I have always been interested in history and thus, archeology.  I have friends that still go on digs.  The subject was on my mind when it was time to do my weekly jokes.  Alas, I do not know all that many archeology jokes; it is considered a grave topic.  So, I when I ran out of those jokes, I shifted to the next best thing: antiques.

 

Why are fewer people going into archeology?

Because its career advancement is in ruins.

 

I dated a Greek girl during my latest archeology expedition.

Radioactivity measurements of her remains confirmed she lived around 700BC

 

What did the archaeologist find?

He won't tell me, but he said it's groundbreaking

 

After years of dating an Archaeologist, it’s finally over.

She was always digging up the past.

 

Archaeologists say that Roman cement was stronger than it is in modern times...

I need to see some concrete evidence

 

Archaeologists are the ultimate hipsters

They love all that underground stuff.

 

Archaeologists discovered an ancient city in Iraq.

According to the archaeologists, ancient Iraqis looked like skeletons, lived underground, and walked lying down.

 

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have.

The older she gets the more interested he is in her.

 

An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel...

and came upon a casket containing a mummy, a rather rare occurrence in Israel, to say the least. After examining it, he called Abe, the curator of the Israel museum in Jerusalem.
"I've just discovered a 3,000-year-old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.

Abe replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out."
A week later, the amazed Abe called the archaeologist. "You were right about both the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?"
"Easy. There was a betting slip in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."

 

John the archaeologist is digging under a theatre and discovers 5 pots of gold coins.  Ecstatic, he tells his lead archaeologist
"Graham, I've found three pots of gold coins!"
"What's that John? You've found two pots of gold coins?"
"That's what I said, a whole pot of gold coins!"

 

A team of British archaeologists at a depth of 15 feet and found an intricate network of copper wires.

From this, the team concluded that the Britain was advanced enough to have telephone connections in their cities 1500 years ago.
In response to this, Scottish archaeologists started their own expedition. They dug up to a depth of 20 feet and found an even more expansive network of copper wires. From this discovery, they concluded that Scots were advanced enough 2000 years ago to have telephone connections in all their towns and cities.
Not to be outdone by their old enemies, the Irish formed a crack team of their own archaeologists and sent them to dig. They dug to a depth of 25 feet and found absolutely nothing.  From this, they concluded that they were so far ahead of the British and Scots that 2500 years ago, they had wireless networks.

 

Thinking about old stuff got me onto the topic of antiques in general.

 

A man walks into an Antique Shop and asks “what’s new?”

 

You know you're getting old when you go to an antique auction and three people bid on you.

 

I inherited my great-grandfather’s antique wig-making equipment.

It’s a family hairloom.

 

Did you hear about the Irish guy who was assassinated at the antique store?

It was a knick knack paddywhack!

Shopping for antiques won't make you a lesbian, but it might make you buy curios.

 

I found an old violin and a painting in the attic.

The antique dealer said, "The good news is you've got a Stradivarius and a Picasso. The bad news is Stradivarius was a terrible painter and Picasso made crap violins."

 

I heard it took at least two elephants to make the ivory keys on my antique piano.

I had no idea they were capable of such delicate work.

 

When you pay a lot for an "antique" chair and then find out that it's just a cheap modern chair that the seller roughed up, that's distressing.

I was shopping online for antique guns, and I got to the World War II section. I selected guns of French origin. They were all in mint condition.  Most of them were never fired and only dropped once.

 

A man bought a grandfather clock from an antique store.  He carefully carried it out of the store onto the sidewalk when all of the sudden the town drunk runs into him knocking both of them down.

The man jumps up and said “Why don’t you watch where you’re going!”
To which the drunk replies “Why don’t you wear a watch like everyone else?”

 

And finally, back to archaeology

A team of archaeologists were excavating in Israel when they found a cave with the symbols of a woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish and a Star of David on the wall.

Pointing to the first drawing,
the head of the team declared: “This indicates these people were family oriented and held women in high esteem.
The donkey shows they were intelligent enough to use animals to till the soil.
The shovel tells us they were able to forge tools.
Even further proof of high intelligence is the fish:
if famine hit the land, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol is the Star of David, telling us they were Hebrews.”
However one of his fellow archaeologists begged to disagree.
“Hebrew is read from right to left,” he explained.
The symbols say:
“Holy Mackerel, dig the ass on that chick.”