A
new year always brings thoughts of change.
Well, it does for me, even at my age, kinda…. at this point in my life, I
seem to have things pretty much figured out and am aware that not all change is
good. Change can be like a bad haircut:
you do not realize how bad it is until it is too late. I threw in some punctuation jokes, just because
as I am writing these days, such things are on my mind. Here are some short, fast, jokes for your
amusement.
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I
changed my routine now I wake up early and still get nothing done.
I
thought about changing careers, but I could not find a new one that allowed
naps.
When
a girl changes her clothes in front of you, she's either really interested in
you or she hasn't spotted you in the tree yet.
What
does grandpa do when you tell him to change his hearing aid?
He doesn't listen.
I
tried changing my workout routine. Now, I just need a nap.
A
small town's population never changes.
Every
time a girl gets pregnant, a guy leaves town.
When
a man’s girlfriend got pregnant everything about him changed; his address,
phone number…
Have
you heard about the gorilla who got a name change? Peaches the gorilla escaped
from the zoo, but when they got her back they had to change it because it turns
out she had become an Ape Re-caught.
I
asked the cashier “Could you give me small change instead of bills? I need
money for the bus “
She
said “That’s fare”
My
friend bought a different toothpaste this time... It was a nice change of
paste.
And
you cannot think about making changes without thinking about changing lightbulbs.
How
many teenagers does it take to change a lightbulb?
I
don't know, like six, seven? Whatever, I just can't even...
How
many gorillas does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just
one.
But it takes a whole bunch of lightbulbs.
How
many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb?
Honestly,
it's a pretty obscure number. I doubt you've ever heard of it.
How
many Apple engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None.
They no longer make that socket; you just buy a new house.
How
many resumé writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only
one: But I single-handedly managed the successful upgrade and deployment of new
environmental illumination system with zero cost overruns, and zero safety
incidents, increasing workplace safety and productivity.
How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten,
one to change the bulb and nine to tell you how much better they could've done
it
How
many introverts does it take to change a lightbulb?
One,
unless they need help - in which case it's still one.
How
many YouTubers does it take to change a lightbulb?
This
is shocking but calm down, I’ll tell you. But first, a word from our sponsor
How many conspiracy theorists does it take to change a light bulb?
The
real question is that who broke the light bulb and why are they keeping us in
the dark?
How
many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?
One.
We are efficient and don’t have humor.
How
many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb?
No
one knows. They never get to keep the house.
How
many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?
Two.
One to change the bulb, and the other to give it an unexpected twist at the
end.
How
many boomers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None.
They’ll all resist change even if it means making the world a brighter place; they
just keep talking about how great the old one was.
How
many bureaucrats does it take to change a lightbulb?
Thank
you for your query. Your number is #204588. We have allotted a timeslot for you
at 2-3pm on Tuesday the 28th of November, during which time you will be
required to fill out and submit forms 32.B and 44.A from our catalog. Once
these forms have been processed by our team we will begin an investigation into
the matter, which will conclude within 4-6 business weeks
~~~~~
The
idea that we can convert a dog's age to human years by multiplying by 7 is a
total myth.
You
multiply by 9/5 and add 32. It’s the muttric conversion.
Why
hasn't America converted to metric?
Because
the changeover would have been to in-tens.
America
is converting to metric units...
Inch
by inch.
Why
will the American people never convert to the metric system?
Because
they'll never accept a foreign ruler.
^^^^^^
Detroit
is so run down that when Transformers was filmed in Detroit, Michael Bay had to
use CGI to repair buildings.
I
asked a Walmart employee where I could find the nuts.
“Pretty
much every isle.”
Interesting punctuation thoughts
It’s
amazing how a colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence.
A
woman without her man is nothing.
A
woman: without her man is nothing.
Or
-Jane ate her friend's sandwich.
-Jane ate her friend's colon.
Also,
commas,
Let’s
eat, Grandma.
Let’s
eat Grandma
or
-Ben
is in a hurry.
-Ben is in a coma.
Semicolons
matter, too
I’m
sorry; I Iove you.
I’m
sorry I love you.
Dashes
can be important
Twenty
five-dollar bills= $100
Twenty
five dollar bills= $25
Period
placement is crucial
Eat
your dinner.
Eat.
You’re dinner!
And
finally
The mayor of a small town received a letter of complaint from a member of his community. After taking the letter from the envelope, he noticed there was only one word on it: “Fool!” The mayor furrowed his brow and said, “Hmm. They signed the letter, but what’s the complaint?”
