Ice Cold JOW #1313

I live in southeast Texas where it is hot four or five months of the year and cold maybe a week.  It is January, so it is cold.  I watch the local news doing special after special report on how water can become hard and slippery when it gets below freezing, thus, anyone driving a car when it’s freezing will have a wreck.  So Houston is essentially shutting down.  So all the talk about ICE in my neighborhood has to do with the stuff we usually put in our drinks and is now on some of our roads.  Thus, my theme this week is ice..

 

I used my discount card to clean ice off my windshield.

I could only get about 20% off though

 

I can't find any fresh ice

All the store had was frozen

 

Justice is a dish best served cold...

If it were served warm, it would be just water.

 

What shoes do you wear on ice?

Slippers.

 

What do you call a dog who works for ICE?

A border collie.

 

Which one is faster: hot or cold?
Hot. You can catch a cold.

 

Where do snowmen put their money?
In snowbanks.

 

How do snowmen buy birthday presents?
With cold, hard cash

 

What does Frosty’s mom put on her face at night?
Cold cream.

 

Why was the snowman rummaging through the bag of carrots?
He was picking his nose.

 

Taco bell is having a special meal for the winter:

Brrrr-itos.

 

Why doesn't Water visit Ice?

Because they live in a different state.

 

Ice Cube, Vanilla Ice, and Ice-T walk into a bar.
The bartender says: “Wow, it’s cold in here!”

 

What do you call a superhero completely made of ice?

Justice

 

What do you call a penguin in the Sahara Desert?
Lost

 

A vendor selling ice from a street cart has a sign that says “Ise Stand.”

A passerby corrected him; “Mr. vendor, you seem to have accidentally confused the ‘c’ in ‘ice’ for an ‘s.’”

The next day, the vendor’s freshly repainted sign read:

“Ice Stand, Corrected”

 

Waiter: "And to drink, sir?"
Dad: "I'll have a blind coke."
Waiter: "I'm sorry?"
Dad: "You know, a blind coke. No ice."

 

What did Hagrid say after he cremates Harry Potter and throws his ashes into a snowstorm?
“You’re a blizzard, Harry.”

 

Did you hear about the farmer who left her sheep out in the blizzard?
She had to take them to the Icy Ewe ward.

 

What do you call two idiots in a blizzard?
Numb and Number.

 

What’s the coldest type of reptile?
A blizzard.

 

What is the most popular blizzard snack?
Ice Krispies treats.

 

What do you call a litter of young dogs who have come in from a blizzard?
Slush puppies!

My dad said “Boy, I hope this snow keeps up!”
I asked why, and he said “That way it doesn’t come down!”

 

 Do you know how to convert a dishwasher into an automatic snowplow?

Give her a shovel.

 

Did you hear about the big blizzard that hit the Canadian Prairies last week?
It’s flake news.

 

I have a lactose intolerant friend who sells ice cream for a living.

He can dish it out, but he can’t take it.

 

What is a great lesson for the day after a blizzard snow day?
Snow and Tell!

 

Okay, this is a very old kid joke.  You have to say the answer out loud and remember what it was like to be nine years old.

If water with ice is iced water and milk with ice is iced milk, and tea with ice is iced tea, what's ink with ice in it?

 

More topical knock, knock jokes

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Snow!
Snow who?
Snow laughing matter! It is a blizzard!

 

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Icy.
Icy who?
Icy you.

 

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Scold.
Scold who?
Scold outside

 

Knock, knock

Who's there?

Atch.

Atch who?

Bless you

And finally a really cool joke

Once upon a time an elderly couple ventured to an old town with not many inhabitants. The town being located fairly high up north as well as the harsh winter season led to it not being the most prosperous place at the current time. Everyone there was cold, hungry and they mainly kept to their own.
They went to the baker and asked to purchase some pastries which he gladly let them. They spoke for a bit and after a while he recommended they go see the local pub. After a couple drinks a man entered the bar. He was the town's beekeeper, and understandably the weather was a pure nightmare for him. He was out of a job due to all his bees having died over the cold winter. They invited him to their table and after a few more drinks they became friends.
Later that night the couple decided that they were going to host a competition as a way to try and bring the townsfolk together, and they figured the only competition able to take place somewhere this cold was an Ice Sculpture beauty contest. They pitched the idea to the mayor, invested some of their money into a first prize and informed the townsfolk. Funny enough the 3 people participating ended up being the Baker, Beekeeper and the barman.
The competition started and they all started going at their blocks of ice. The baker, being a sportsman made a perfect copy of Aragorn during the battle of Minas Tirith. It surely was one of the coolest sculptures the couple had ever seen. The beekeeper, created a masterpiece that looked like a frozen lake in the woods. It used the glimmer of the sun to sparkle a flat area that completely took everyone by surprise. The barman, being already a professional ice sculptor created an incredibly complex shape that looked like a tornado being twisted into the ground.
The couple thought for a second and then declared the frozen lake to be the winner. Both the others protested vividly, but the couple reminded them that it was a beauty contest after all. Whilst the Baker had the coolest project and the barman had the most complex there was no doubt,

That beauty was in the ice of the bee holder.

 

Yo Grandmother JOW #1312

 

This set of jokes is in honor of and about all those fortunate women who are grandmothers.   You would think this would be a sappy set of jokes, but actually there is an edge to some of them, grandmas being old and closer to the passing on.  And some of those grandmas are surprisingly spicy. 

 

How does Grandma fix a broken cookie?
With icing glue, of course

 

My grandma is 80% Irish.

Her name is Iris.

 

I recommend you put your grandma on speed-dial.

Call it Instagram.

 

A scammer called my grandma and said he had all her passwords

she got a pen and paper and said 'Thank God for that, what are they?

 

What does my grandma and a Modern website have in common?

Making me Accept the Cookies on every visit.

 

Shoutout to my grandma

That’s the only way she can hear

 

You wanna hear about something ironic? My grandma’s zodiac sign was Cancer.

She was killed... by a giant crab.

 

I’ll never forget my grandma’s final words:

“What are you doing in here with that gun?”

My mom told me, when I visit grandma in hospital, I should take her flowers.

So, when grandma wasn't looking, I took them.

 

My grandmother retired as a math teacher.

She is figuring out the aftermath.

 

Grandma: What's the German guy who's hiding my medicine called?

Grandson: Alzheimer's, Grandma, Alzheimer’s.

 

Why was grandma so fascinated by the reversible sweater she was knitting? 

She wanted to see how it turned out.

 

They gave grandma chopsticks to try to eat oriental noodles.  She didn’t manage to finish the meal but she was able to knit a sweater from the noodles.

 

What did grandpa name the Italian restaurant he started in grandma’s memory?  Pasta Way.

 

My grandma was recently beaten to death by my grandad.

It wasn't with a club or his fists - he just died first.

 

Grandma tried to not show favorites

But her will was a dead giveaway

 

My grandma asked me if I would visit her after she gets out of the hospital...

I told her no.  I don't like going to graveyards.

 

Before our grandma died, her last words were, “Don’t make the funeral too early, I am not a mourning person.”

 

At my grandma’s funeral there was a bowl of her favorite candies on the table. They were bereave-mints.

 

My grandma was known all over town for her delicious strawberries. She made me promise that when she died I would plant strawberries over her grave so that everyone could visit her and enjoy them. I fulfilled her wish.

She’s dead and berried.

 

A little girl asks her mum: “Mummy, why do we never visit grandma?”

“Oh darling, you don’t remember? She fell of the balcony…”
“And where is she now?”
“Well… she went to heaven”
The little girl thinks about it for a moment… “Wow, that’s a big bounce”

 

A dying grandma tells her grandchild, "I’m going leave you my farm. That includes the barn, livestock, the harvest, the tractor, and other equipment, the farmhouse and $24,548,750.45 in cash."

The grandchild absolutely floored says, "Oh grandma, you are SO generous! I didn't even know you had a farm. Where is it?"

With her last breath, Grandma whispered, "On Facebook...

 

Grandma, how old are you?

"A woman never reveals her age", she replied to her young grandson.
He said "Alright, just give me the first digit"
"Six" she said.
"And the second digit?"
Grandma sighed. "Seven."
"And the third?"

 

Boy aged four: Dad, I’ve decided to get married.

Dad: Wonderful; do you have a girl in mind?!
Boy: Yes... grandma! She said she loves me, I love her, too....and she’s the best cook & storyteller in the whole world!
Dad: That’s nice, but we have a small problem.
Boy: What problem?!
Dad: She happens to be my mother. How can you marry my mother?
Boy: Why not?! You married mine!

 

 

Here is a nice story about a grandmother.

I grew up with two brothers and a sister. Our parents tried their best - but it was difficult for them to make time for each of us as individuals. That's why each of the kids alternated spending a weekend at grandma's every month.
I always looked forward to that Saturday morning breakfast. Grandma would make her tea and then she would make me my favorite breakfast - waffles and country ham.
As I got older, grandma let me help in the kitchen. My first job was to beat the eggs. My grandma being a bit disorganized in the kitchen, we would always joke about how long it took her to find the whisk. "It's going to be lunch by the time I find it!" she'd often say.
When she died, my grandma left most of her kitchenware to me. Now I make waffles for MY kids.
The other week, we had a house fire. After we got everyone to safety, I just had to go back in. I couldn't imagine losing my grandma's heirlooms - and the kitchen was right by the side door. My wife's still mad at me for going back in - she says I could have died. But I'm safe, and I'd say it was worth the whisk.

 

And finally, this one is a little too close to home.

The young child saw her granny taking her medications and asked, "Grandma, why do you need to take all those pills?"
"Well, your grandma needs to take the green medicine for my headaches, but the green pills give me asthma. So, I need to take these yellow pills to treat the asthma, but those pills always make me very depressed. Because of the depression, I have to take some black pills, but those always give me high blood pressure. To cure the high blood pressure, I have to take the red pills, but those always make me horny. And that's why grandpa has to take the blue pills."

 

 

Nun shall Pass JOW #1311

My theme for this this week is nuns.  Once quite common, nuns are becoming increasingly rare in this culture, but the image of religious women in their black and white habits is still strong.  Why did I pick this subject for my jokes?  I simply recalled a nun joke and the rest just flowed.

~~~~

What’s a nun’s favorite kind of bird? A “cardinal.”

 

What do you call families whose only connection is that they have family members in the same convent.

Nun-related

 

What do you call a sleepwalking nun?

A roamin’ Catholic.

 

What do you call a stealthy group of nuns with swords?

Nun-jas.

 

What did the priest say to get the nuns to stop spraying perfume?

Stop this nun scents!

 

Nuns love to play hide and seek. It’s a great way to test their “cloister-phobia.”

 

What do you call an unusual home for nuns?

Nun-convent-ional.

 

What do you call a nun that won’t work?

Nun-functional.

 

A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked about it, and she replied, “It’s a bad habit.“

 

Two nuns walk into a bar.

The bartender is surprised and said, "Sisters, but are you sure this is the right place for you?"
"We know it's not, but the reverend told us to help sinful souls. We thought we could find one here."
The next day, two rabbis walk into the bar. The bartender also asks them.
"We know this is a sinful place, but the synagogue is just being renovated, and we thought we would sit here to discuss religious issues."
On the third day, two Irish priests walk into the bar. The bartender asks one of them,
"Father, I'm surprised to see you here."
"Why, my son?"
"It's only 10 a.m., and I've never seen you here before 11"

 

The wise old Mother Superior from County Tipperary was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed, trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it. One of the nuns added a generous amount of Irish whiskey to the milk and offered it again. Mother Superior drank it all and said, “Don’t sell that cow.“

 

Two nuns who worked in a hospital were out driving in the country when they ran out of gas. As they were standing beside their car on the shoulder of the road, a truck approached them

Noticing the nuns in distress, the trucker stopped and offered to help. When the nuns explained they had run out of gas, the trucker said he would be more than happy to drain some from his tank, but he didn't have a bucket or a can.
Hearing this, one of the nuns dug out a clean bedpan from the trunk and asked the trucker if it would do. He said it would and proceeded to drain a couple of quarts into the pan. He then handed the pan to the sisters, got back into his truck and waved goodbye.
While the nuns were carefully pouring the precious fuel from the bed pan into their gas tank, a cop happened by. He stopped and watched them for a few moments, then said, "Sisters, somehow I don't think that's going to work, but I sure do admire your faith!"

 

A nun ruined her uniform and asked her tailor for a replacement.

Nearly three weeks later she angrily calls him asking what’s taking so long.

“I don’t know why you’re upset.” - He coolly replies. “It takes at least 21 days to form a new habit.”

 

Two nuns were riding their bikes together on their way to church one Sunday. The leading nun took new route that led to a steep downhill run over an old cobblestone road that ran right up to the church.  They held on desperately on the perilous ride down.

The first nun says to the second nun, "I've never come this way before".
The second nun says, "Yeah, I think was the cobblestones".

 

A man was on a business trip in New York and headed to a bar for a drink. Standing outside the bar was a nun holding a tin cup. As the man threw a few bucks into her cup, the nun launched into a long tirade about the evils of alcohol. Annoyed, the man said, “Sister, have you ever tried alcohol?”

“Of course not,” gasped the nun.

The man smiled and said, “Well, how about you try just one drink to see for yourself?”

The nun hesitated but agreed, saying, “I can’t be seen in a bar, but you could bring me a drink in this tin cup.”

Inside, the man asked the bartender for two scotch on the rocks, one in a tin cup. The bartender sighed and said, “Is that darn nun out there again?”

 

Three nuns die and go to Heaven.

At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter tells them that they must each answer a biblical question to get in, but he reassures them that they're quite easy.

"Who was the first woman?" He says to the first nun. "Eve."

The gates swing open, and she enters.

"Where did Eve live?" He says to the second nun.

"The Garden of Eden."

The gates swing open once more.

St. Peter says to the third nun.

"Now, seeing as you're the Mother Superior, you must answer a more difficult question. What was the first thing Eve said when she saw Adam?"

"Oh, that's a hard one..."

The gates swing open.

 

Two nuns are walking down the street when they notice that a man is following them.

Sister Michael, the older and wiser nun, says to the young and naïve Sister Patrick, "See that crossroad ahead? You go left and I'll go right: he can't follow us both. We'll meet back at the Abbey."

So, the sisters parted and the man followed Sister Michael. Sister Patrick was anxiously waited at the Abbey until Sister Michael returned alone.

"Thank the Lord you are alright!", exclaims Sister Patrick. "But what happened to that man?"

Well, replied Sister Michael, "After a few minutes, I stopped and pulled up my dress." Sister Patrick stares in shock. "Then," continues Sister Michael, "he stopped and pulled down his trousers."

Sister Patrick gasps. "Oh Sister, why would you do that?"

"Because" explains Sister Michael, "a nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his trousers down!"

  

Them Changes JOW #1310

A new year always brings thoughts of change.  Well, it does for me, even at my age, kinda…. at this point in my life, I seem to have things pretty much figured out and am aware that not all change is good.  Change can be like a bad haircut: you do not realize how bad it is until it is too late.   I threw in some punctuation jokes, just because as I am writing these days, such things are on my mind.  Here are some short, fast, jokes for your amusement.

``````

I changed my routine now I wake up early and still get nothing done.

 

I thought about changing careers, but I could not find a new one that allowed naps.

 

When a girl changes her clothes in front of you, she's either really interested in you or she hasn't spotted you in the tree yet.

 

What does grandpa do when you tell him to change his hearing aid?
He doesn't listen.

 

I tried changing my workout routine. Now, I just need a nap.

 

A small town's population never changes.

Every time a girl gets pregnant, a guy leaves town.

 

When a man’s girlfriend got pregnant everything about him changed; his address, phone number…

 

Have you heard about the gorilla who got a name change? Peaches the gorilla escaped from the zoo, but when they got her back they had to change it because it turns out she had become an Ape Re-caught.

I asked the cashier “Could you give me small change instead of bills? I need money for the bus “

She said “That’s fare”

 

My friend bought a different toothpaste this time... It was a nice change of paste.

 

And you cannot think about making changes without thinking about changing lightbulbs.

How many teenagers does it take to change a lightbulb?

I don't know, like six, seven? Whatever, I just can't even...

 

How many gorillas does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one.
But it takes a whole bunch of lightbulbs.

 

How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb?

Honestly, it's a pretty obscure number. I doubt you've ever heard of it.

 

How many Apple engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They no longer make that socket; you just buy a new house.

 

How many resumé writers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only one: But I single-handedly managed the successful upgrade and deployment of new environmental illumination system with zero cost overruns, and zero safety incidents, increasing workplace safety and productivity.

How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb?

Ten, one to change the bulb and nine to tell you how much better they could've done it

 

How many introverts does it take to change a lightbulb?

One, unless they need help - in which case it's still one.

 

How many YouTubers does it take to change a lightbulb?

This is shocking but calm down, I’ll tell you. But first, a word from our sponsor

How many conspiracy theorists does it take to change a light bulb?

The real question is that who broke the light bulb and why are they keeping us in the dark?

 

How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?

One. We are efficient and don’t have humor.

 

How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb?

No one knows. They never get to keep the house.

 

How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to change the bulb, and the other to give it an unexpected twist at the end.

 

How many boomers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None.
They’ll all resist change even if it means making the world a brighter place; they just keep talking about how great the old one was.

 

How many bureaucrats does it take to change a lightbulb?

Thank you for your query. Your number is #204588. We have allotted a timeslot for you at 2-3pm on Tuesday the 28th of November, during which time you will be required to fill out and submit forms 32.B and 44.A from our catalog. Once these forms have been processed by our team we will begin an investigation into the matter, which will conclude within 4-6 business weeks

~~~~~

The idea that we can convert a dog's age to human years by multiplying by 7 is a total myth.

You multiply by 9/5 and add 32. It’s the muttric conversion.

 

Why hasn't America converted to metric?

Because the changeover would have been to in-tens.

 

America is converting to metric units...

Inch by inch.

 

Why will the American people never convert to the metric system?

Because they'll never accept a foreign ruler.

^^^^^^

Detroit is so run down that when Transformers was filmed in Detroit, Michael Bay had to use CGI to repair buildings.

 

I asked a Walmart employee where I could find the nuts.

“Pretty much every isle.”

 

Interesting punctuation thoughts

 

It’s amazing how a colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence.

A woman without her man is nothing.

A woman: without her man is nothing.

Or 
-Jane ate her friend's sandwich.
-Jane ate her friend's colon.

Also, commas,

Let’s eat, Grandma.

Let’s eat Grandma

or

-Ben is in a hurry.
-Ben is in a coma.

Semicolons matter, too

I’m sorry; I Iove you.

I’m sorry I love you.

Dashes can be important

Twenty five-dollar bills= $100

Twenty five dollar bills= $25

Period placement is crucial

Eat your dinner.

Eat. You’re dinner!

And finally

The mayor of a small town received a letter of complaint from a member of his community. After taking the letter from the envelope, he noticed there was only one word on it: “Fool!” The mayor furrowed his brow and said, “Hmm. They signed the letter, but what’s the complaint?”