Yo Grandmother JOW #1312

 

This set of jokes is in honor of and about all those fortunate women who are grandmothers.   You would think this would be a sappy set of jokes, but actually there is an edge to some of them, grandmas being old and closer to the passing on.  And some of those grandmas are surprisingly spicy. 

 

How does Grandma fix a broken cookie?
With icing glue, of course

 

My grandma is 80% Irish.

Her name is Iris.

 

I recommend you put your grandma on speed-dial.

Call it Instagram.

 

A scammer called my grandma and said he had all her passwords

she got a pen and paper and said 'Thank God for that, what are they?

 

What does my grandma and a Modern website have in common?

Making me Accept the Cookies on every visit.

 

Shoutout to my grandma

That’s the only way she can hear

 

You wanna hear about something ironic? My grandma’s zodiac sign was Cancer.

She was killed... by a giant crab.

 

I’ll never forget my grandma’s final words:

“What are you doing in here with that gun?”

My mom told me, when I visit grandma in hospital, I should take her flowers.

So, when grandma wasn't looking, I took them.

 

My grandmother retired as a math teacher.

She is figuring out the aftermath.

 

Grandma: What's the German guy who's hiding my medicine called?

Grandson: Alzheimer's, Grandma, Alzheimer’s.

 

Why was grandma so fascinated by the reversible sweater she was knitting? 

She wanted to see how it turned out.

 

They gave grandma chopsticks to try to eat oriental noodles.  She didn’t manage to finish the meal but she was able to knit a sweater from the noodles.

 

What did grandpa name the Italian restaurant he started in grandma’s memory?  Pasta Way.

 

My grandma was recently beaten to death by my grandad.

It wasn't with a club or his fists - he just died first.

 

Grandma tried to not show favorites

But her will was a dead giveaway

 

My grandma asked me if I would visit her after she gets out of the hospital...

I told her no.  I don't like going to graveyards.

 

Before our grandma died, her last words were, “Don’t make the funeral too early, I am not a mourning person.”

 

At my grandma’s funeral there was a bowl of her favorite candies on the table. They were bereave-mints.

 

My grandma was known all over town for her delicious strawberries. She made me promise that when she died I would plant strawberries over her grave so that everyone could visit her and enjoy them. I fulfilled her wish.

She’s dead and berried.

 

A little girl asks her mum: “Mummy, why do we never visit grandma?”

“Oh darling, you don’t remember? She fell of the balcony…”
“And where is she now?”
“Well… she went to heaven”
The little girl thinks about it for a moment… “Wow, that’s a big bounce”

 

A dying grandma tells her grandchild, "I’m going leave you my farm. That includes the barn, livestock, the harvest, the tractor, and other equipment, the farmhouse and $24,548,750.45 in cash."

The grandchild absolutely floored says, "Oh grandma, you are SO generous! I didn't even know you had a farm. Where is it?"

With her last breath, Grandma whispered, "On Facebook...

 

Grandma, how old are you?

"A woman never reveals her age", she replied to her young grandson.
He said "Alright, just give me the first digit"
"Six" she said.
"And the second digit?"
Grandma sighed. "Seven."
"And the third?"

 

Boy aged four: Dad, I’ve decided to get married.

Dad: Wonderful; do you have a girl in mind?!
Boy: Yes... grandma! She said she loves me, I love her, too....and she’s the best cook & storyteller in the whole world!
Dad: That’s nice, but we have a small problem.
Boy: What problem?!
Dad: She happens to be my mother. How can you marry my mother?
Boy: Why not?! You married mine!

 

 

Here is a nice story about a grandmother.

I grew up with two brothers and a sister. Our parents tried their best - but it was difficult for them to make time for each of us as individuals. That's why each of the kids alternated spending a weekend at grandma's every month.
I always looked forward to that Saturday morning breakfast. Grandma would make her tea and then she would make me my favorite breakfast - waffles and country ham.
As I got older, grandma let me help in the kitchen. My first job was to beat the eggs. My grandma being a bit disorganized in the kitchen, we would always joke about how long it took her to find the whisk. "It's going to be lunch by the time I find it!" she'd often say.
When she died, my grandma left most of her kitchenware to me. Now I make waffles for MY kids.
The other week, we had a house fire. After we got everyone to safety, I just had to go back in. I couldn't imagine losing my grandma's heirlooms - and the kitchen was right by the side door. My wife's still mad at me for going back in - she says I could have died. But I'm safe, and I'd say it was worth the whisk.

 

And finally, this one is a little too close to home.

The young child saw her granny taking her medications and asked, "Grandma, why do you need to take all those pills?"
"Well, your grandma needs to take the green medicine for my headaches, but the green pills give me asthma. So, I need to take these yellow pills to treat the asthma, but those pills always make me very depressed. Because of the depression, I have to take some black pills, but those always give me high blood pressure. To cure the high blood pressure, I have to take the red pills, but those always make me horny. And that's why grandpa has to take the blue pills."