Ice Cold JOW #1313

I live in southeast Texas where it is hot four or five months of the year and cold maybe a week.  It is January, so it is cold.  I watch the local news doing special after special report on how water can become hard and slippery when it gets below freezing, thus, anyone driving a car when it’s freezing will have a wreck.  So Houston is essentially shutting down.  So all the talk about ICE in my neighborhood has to do with the stuff we usually put in our drinks and is now on some of our roads.  Thus, my theme this week is ice..

 

I used my discount card to clean ice off my windshield.

I could only get about 20% off though

 

I can't find any fresh ice

All the store had was frozen

 

Justice is a dish best served cold...

If it were served warm, it would be just water.

 

What shoes do you wear on ice?

Slippers.

 

What do you call a dog who works for ICE?

A border collie.

 

Which one is faster: hot or cold?
Hot. You can catch a cold.

 

Where do snowmen put their money?
In snowbanks.

 

How do snowmen buy birthday presents?
With cold, hard cash

 

What does Frosty’s mom put on her face at night?
Cold cream.

 

Why was the snowman rummaging through the bag of carrots?
He was picking his nose.

 

Taco bell is having a special meal for the winter:

Brrrr-itos.

 

Why doesn't Water visit Ice?

Because they live in a different state.

 

Ice Cube, Vanilla Ice, and Ice-T walk into a bar.
The bartender says: “Wow, it’s cold in here!”

 

What do you call a superhero completely made of ice?

Justice

 

What do you call a penguin in the Sahara Desert?
Lost

 

A vendor selling ice from a street cart has a sign that says “Ise Stand.”

A passerby corrected him; “Mr. vendor, you seem to have accidentally confused the ‘c’ in ‘ice’ for an ‘s.’”

The next day, the vendor’s freshly repainted sign read:

“Ice Stand, Corrected”

 

Waiter: "And to drink, sir?"
Dad: "I'll have a blind coke."
Waiter: "I'm sorry?"
Dad: "You know, a blind coke. No ice."

 

What did Hagrid say after he cremates Harry Potter and throws his ashes into a snowstorm?
“You’re a blizzard, Harry.”

 

Did you hear about the farmer who left her sheep out in the blizzard?
She had to take them to the Icy Ewe ward.

 

What do you call two idiots in a blizzard?
Numb and Number.

 

What’s the coldest type of reptile?
A blizzard.

 

What is the most popular blizzard snack?
Ice Krispies treats.

 

What do you call a litter of young dogs who have come in from a blizzard?
Slush puppies!

My dad said “Boy, I hope this snow keeps up!”
I asked why, and he said “That way it doesn’t come down!”

 

 Do you know how to convert a dishwasher into an automatic snowplow?

Give her a shovel.

 

Did you hear about the big blizzard that hit the Canadian Prairies last week?
It’s flake news.

 

I have a lactose intolerant friend who sells ice cream for a living.

He can dish it out, but he can’t take it.

 

What is a great lesson for the day after a blizzard snow day?
Snow and Tell!

 

Okay, this is a very old kid joke.  You have to say the answer out loud and remember what it was like to be nine years old.

If water with ice is iced water and milk with ice is iced milk, and tea with ice is iced tea, what's ink with ice in it?

 

More topical knock, knock jokes

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Snow!
Snow who?
Snow laughing matter! It is a blizzard!

 

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Icy.
Icy who?
Icy you.

 

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Scold.
Scold who?
Scold outside

 

Knock, knock

Who's there?

Atch.

Atch who?

Bless you

And finally a really cool joke

Once upon a time an elderly couple ventured to an old town with not many inhabitants. The town being located fairly high up north as well as the harsh winter season led to it not being the most prosperous place at the current time. Everyone there was cold, hungry and they mainly kept to their own.
They went to the baker and asked to purchase some pastries which he gladly let them. They spoke for a bit and after a while he recommended they go see the local pub. After a couple drinks a man entered the bar. He was the town's beekeeper, and understandably the weather was a pure nightmare for him. He was out of a job due to all his bees having died over the cold winter. They invited him to their table and after a few more drinks they became friends.
Later that night the couple decided that they were going to host a competition as a way to try and bring the townsfolk together, and they figured the only competition able to take place somewhere this cold was an Ice Sculpture beauty contest. They pitched the idea to the mayor, invested some of their money into a first prize and informed the townsfolk. Funny enough the 3 people participating ended up being the Baker, Beekeeper and the barman.
The competition started and they all started going at their blocks of ice. The baker, being a sportsman made a perfect copy of Aragorn during the battle of Minas Tirith. It surely was one of the coolest sculptures the couple had ever seen. The beekeeper, created a masterpiece that looked like a frozen lake in the woods. It used the glimmer of the sun to sparkle a flat area that completely took everyone by surprise. The barman, being already a professional ice sculptor created an incredibly complex shape that looked like a tornado being twisted into the ground.
The couple thought for a second and then declared the frozen lake to be the winner. Both the others protested vividly, but the couple reminded them that it was a beauty contest after all. Whilst the Baker had the coolest project and the barman had the most complex there was no doubt,

That beauty was in the ice of the bee holder.