Red Hot JOW #1334

 Summer is the traditional time for vacations and long, lazy days.  It is also the time when Tom has to stay inside in the air conditioning.  It is hot everywhere right now, but it will be hot here for another three months.  And it is very hot here.  It’s so hot, it smells like bacon. The heat index is somewhere between OMG and WTF.  With that in mind, here are some jokes about how warm things are here and all over the world with some 4^th of July stuff included.

 

It’s so hot, the Betty Ford Clinic opened a wet bar and Jehovah’s Witnesses started telemarketing.

 

Everyone seems worried about global warming and world hunger...but the real crisis is that one day elderly drivers will know how to text.

 

You’d think Ocasio-Cortez would support global warming...

Given how much she hates ICE and all.

 

What's the difference between climate change and obesity?

One's a worldwide problem.
The other's a wide world problem.

 

What do Transformers do when it gets hot?

They put on a tank top.

 

My neighbors just had a daughter and named her JuneJulyAugust. They call her Summer for short.

  

I had a beer last night and on the side of the can, it said, “Best drunk before August 2026”.

I want to thank the beer company for this prestigious award.

 

One day in August, Julius Caesar was standing on the balcony in his palace, watching the leaves drop silently from the trees.

He was witnessing…. The Fall of the Roman Empire.

 

If you are looking for a hot date, any day in July or August will do

 

The Fourth of July weekend was approaching, and Miss Pelham, the nursery schoolteacher, took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism. 'We live in a great country,' she announced. 'One of the things we should be happy about is that, in this country, we are all free.'

Trevor, who was a little boy in her class, came walking up to her from the back of the room. He stood with his hands on his hips and said loudly, 'I'm not free. I'm four.' 

 

What did George Washington say to his men before they crossed the Delaware?
“Get in the boat, men!”

 

What was the patriots’ favorite food in the Revolutionary War?
Chicken Catch-a-Tory.

 

A tourist was passing through a Texas town in the heat of summer.
He wanted to be sure the water was good to drink, so he asked a local. “Oh, yes,” they assured him.

The tourist then asked the locals what made them so sure.

“Well,” they answered, “first we filter it, then we take out the harmful minerals, then we put it through some chemical process, and then we drink it. Only around here, people call it beer.”

 

Three men gathered together for a round of golf on The 4th of July. The men were quite surprised at being “let out” for the day, and each wanted to know how the other got away from their wife.
The first man said: “I bought some red roses for my wife, and she was so happy that she let me go.”
The second man said: “I purchased a ring for my wife, and she was so thrilled with me that she let me go.”
The third man said: “I woke up this morning, rolled over, looked at my wife, and said to her, ‘Golf course or intercourse,’ and she said, Wear sunscreen, it’s hot outside.’”

 

Tom: What do you do?

Jim: I am into Global prosthetics distribution.
Tom: So you're an artificial limb salesman?
Jim: I prefer 'international arms dealer'.

 

A guy gets a call from a local radio station. “Congratulations,” says the caller. “Your phone number has been selected randomly. We’re with KCLA, and we’re having a contest. All you have to do is answer one question correctly, and you win the grand prize.”
“Fantastic!” says the guy.
“It’s a math question,” says the caller. “Feeling confident?”
“I am,” says the guy. “I have a degree in math, and I teach it at the local school.”
“Great!” says the caller. “Okay, to win backstage passes and two VIP tickets to the Justin Bieber comeback concert… What is 2 + 2?”
And the guy says, “Seven.”

 

And finally, another old off topic joke.

An old lighthouse keeper was nearing retirement and decided to hire a younger man to take over for him when the time came.
He invited the young man for a tour of the structure, a tall building sitting on an isolated island miles away from shore. The voyage to the lighthouse was a rough one with high waves and heavy rain making the voyage difficult. Eventually, the young man safely made it to the island, and the two men commenced the tour, going around the island and its sights.

“Without this lighthouse, ships would often wreck on these rocks,” the old lighthouse keeper told the new man.”
They made their way to the lighthouse afterward as the old man demonstrated the inner workings of the structure before climbing up to the large lantern itself.
“…and that is the gist of it,” the keeper said, having finished the tour. “Any questions?”
“I do have one,” the young man replied. “Are the waters here usually this choppy? I’m just concerned about supplies and keeping food stocked.”
“Ah, yes, you would be right to be concerned,” the keeper replied. “These are not friendly waters, and you may have to wait days, if not weeks, for any vessels to reach the island. Of course, there is a trick to getting more supplies.”
“And that is?” the young man asked.
“Just turn off the lantern and wait for the first wreck.”