Ill Eagle JOW #1336

I like to have a theme for my weekly jokes.  One easy source of humor is the legal profession.  It is easy to hate lawyers.  We all remember jokes like, ‘What do lawyers use for birth control?  Their personalities.  Perhaps I shouldn’t pick on lawyers, my daughter is one.  Remember, 98% of lawyers give all the others a bad name. 

On a personal note, there will be no JOW next week.  I will be in Iceland.  East Texas is just too hot this time of year.

 

How many lawyer jokes are there? 

Only three. The rest are true stories.

 

A lawyer walks into a bar after a long day in court

The bartender asks, “What can I get you?”
The lawyer says, “Just ice”

 

My partner told me I’m a horrible lawyer. I couldn’t defend myself.

 

What’s the difference between an accountant and a lawyer? Accountants know they’re boring.

 

What’s the difference between a lawyer and a liar? The pronunciation.

 

How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they’d rather keep their clients in the dark.

 

Why did the lawyer’s light bulb go to therapy?

It felt like it was constantly being screwed 

 

How do you get a group of personal injury lawyers to smile for a picture?

Just say, “Fees!”

 

A woman sued a hotel for losing her luggage. Unfortunately, she lost the case.

 

Don’t judge a law book by its cover-up.

 

Clowns are most commonly jailed for manslaughter.

 

When chickens graduate from law school, they become legal tenders.

 

Is a priest who graduates from law school is called a father-in-law?

 

What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?

 

A bad lawyer might let a case drag on for several years. A good lawyer knows how to make it last even longer.

What did the lawyer name his daughter?

Sue!

 

Did you hear about the new microwave lawyer? You spend eight minutes in his office and get billed as if you’d been there eight hours.

 

Why did the lawyer’s chicken cross the road? He had an easement.

 

Why is it so common for attorneys to be lost in thought? Unfamiliar territory.

 

How many lawyers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Three: One to climb, one to shake it, and one to sue the ladder company.

 

What’s the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?

The lawyer charges more.

 

A photograph hurriedly rushed into his attorney’s office and screamed, “I think someone is framing me!”.

 

My father was a lawyer for 25 years before he went to culinary school. Now, he’s a sue chef.

 

A new young, unmarried lawyer named Alice Demeanour joined the law firm.  Everyone in the law office calls her Miss Demeanour.

 

Who’s the most honest person at a lawyer convention? The caterer.

 

How do you get a group of lawyers to smile for a photo? 

Say “Fees!”

 

Why don’t lawyers like to fish? 

The fish don’t fall for their lines.

 

What did the lawyer wear to court? 

His law-suit.

 

Two lawyers were walking along negotiating a case. “Look,” said one, “let’s be honest with each other.”

“Okay, you first,” replied the other.

That was the end of the discussion.

 

A lawyer was so large that, when he died, the undertaker couldn’t find a coffin big enough to hold the body. So, the undertaker gave him an enema and buried him in a shoebox.

 

Someone mistakenly left the cages open in the Reptile House at the zoo, and snakes were slithering all over the place. Frantically, the keeper tried everything but couldn’t get the slippery animals back into their cages. Finally, he yelled, “Quick, call a lawyer!”

“A lawyer? Why?”

“We need someone who speaks their language.”

 

A millionaire informs his attorney, “I want a stipulation in my Will that my wife is to inherit everything, but only if she remarries within six months of my death.” “Why such an odd stipulation?” asked the attorney.

“Because I want someone to be sorry I died!” came the reply.

 

“You seem to be in some distress,” said the kindly judge to the witness. “Is anything the matter?”

“Well, your Honor,” said the witness, “I swore to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but every time I try, some lawyer objects.”

 

A man in an interrogation room says, “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.”

“You are the lawyer,” says the policeman. “Exactly, so where’s my present?” replies the lawyer.

A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, “Do you serve lawyers here?”

“Yes, we do,” said the bartender.

“Great,” said the man.

“Give me a beer, and a lawyer for my gator.”

 

Dewey was briefing his client, who was about to testify in his own defense. “You must swear to tell the complete truth. Do you understand?” The client replied that he did. The lawyer then asked, “Do you know what will happen if you don’t tell the truth?”

The client looked back and said, “I imagine that our side will win.”

And finally,

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: “My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb.”

“Well put,” the judge replied. “Using your logic, I sentence the defendant’s arm to one year’s imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses.”

The defendant smiled. With his lawyer’s assistance, he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

 .

Under Construction JOW #1335

 My jokes this week are about remodeling and renovation.  It has nothing to do with the fact that, now we have redone every room in our house, we are not redoing the outside.  Here are a few thoughts and jokes about such construction.

 

If a robber robs a house under renovation and accidentally leaves his handprint on wet cement,

Does that mean that the police have concrete evidence?

 

You wouldn't know it by looking at him, but my friend is a natural at remodeling kitchens.

He's counter intuitive

 

We’re remodeling our home’s exterior, and my wife wants to know who I’m hiring to do the job.

She really wants to know who I’m siding with,

 

A couple was having an argument about leaving some roof trusses exposed when they remodeled their house.

They had some real truss issues.

 

What do you call a model who undergoes plastic surgery?

A remodel.

 

Painter: The walls need another coat of paint...

Manager: I don't think they do, maybe just a jacket

 

I was doing some home renovations and I was knocking down a wall, only to find a secret unfurnished room behind it...then I remembered we live in a duplex.

 

For those unaware, Big Ben is undergoing renovations in London; it's no easy task

They're having to work around the clock to make it happen.

After the modernization, the famous clock will be beat five times a day, calling the faithful to prayer

 

An elephant walks into a bar

The bar goes into renovation

 

A man was on a ladder putting up molding.  His son was very eager to hurry up the process. 

Son: Do you need me to hold anything?

Dad: Yeah, your horses

 

If you pay for your kitchen remodel with fake bills...

You’re counterfeiting the counter fitter.

 

A man was remodeling his house, and a new bedroom was almost completed except for cleanup of sawdust, caulking, and other random construction leftover bits.

His lovely wife grabbed a shop vac hose and began vacuuming everything up.  He was impressed and told her she was pretty good caulk-sucker.

 

My wife and I recently completed a remodel of our kitchen. The other night we decided to move all the spirits and mixers and into the new cabinets. The last thing we moved was all our booze. I picked up two bottles and turned around. My wife had FIVE bottles at once!
She really can hold her liquor…

Two guys, Mike and John, worked for a remodeling company.

One day, while working on new walls, Mike knocked over a bucket covering John with its contents. Later, when they return to the office, their boss pulls John aside and asks what happened to him, the conversation was as follows:

Boss- What the hell happened to you guys today?

John- Well, Mike kicked the bucket, then I got plastered.

My wife wants me to remodel our staircase.

I told her I'd need a step-by-step guide.

 

A man hired a contractor to renovate his kitchen

The contractor said to the man that he was nearly done.
The homeowner said "no way that you are - there is a gaping hole in the granite countertop!"
Frustrated with how long the renovation had taken, the homeowner started yelling at the contractor and his assistant, who was standing in the hallway outside of the kitchen, to leave.
"Get out now!" the man shouted.
Trying to allay his anger, the contractor asked for the homeowner to calm down and let his assistant into the kitchen with the part he needed.
"No!" the man replied angrily. "I'm going to sue you!"
"You're not letting us finish the work. We're almost done, we just need to install the sink, and you are preventing that." said the contractor.  "If we cooperate, we can have this house finished and avoid a costly legal battle where we'd both end up worse off.  Now just let that sink in."

 

A slender woman met her friend for brunch. Talk turned to the renovations the friend was doing on her very old home.

The friend complained that, due to the very old carpentry and fixtures in the home, she needed a pair of oversized drill bits but couldn't find them anywhere. The first friend pulled out a pair of huge drill bits from her purse and asked if they would do. The second friend was thrilled and asked where they had come from.
The first friend answered that she found a genie who granted her wish by giving her a pair of huge bits, and she told her friend know how to contact the genie.
When the two friends met again for brunch the second week, the second friend was completely covered with a painful looking rash. She explained that she had wished to be completely covered in cash and ended up with a rash instead.
"Oops", the friend responded. "I forgot to warn you that the genie is a little hard of hearing.  Seriously, did you really think I would wish for a big pair of bits?"

 

And finally

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates.  The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.

Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community, and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself.

But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large countertop, which he had promised his wife.  So, he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him.

But, alas, Andy refused.

He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you, but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."

 

 

Red Hot JOW #1334

 Summer is the traditional time for vacations and long, lazy days.  It is also the time when Tom has to stay inside in the air conditioning.  It is hot everywhere right now, but it will be hot here for another three months.  And it is very hot here.  It’s so hot, it smells like bacon. The heat index is somewhere between OMG and WTF.  With that in mind, here are some jokes about how warm things are here and all over the world with some 4^th of July stuff included.

 

It’s so hot, the Betty Ford Clinic opened a wet bar and Jehovah’s Witnesses started telemarketing.

 

Everyone seems worried about global warming and world hunger...but the real crisis is that one day elderly drivers will know how to text.

 

You’d think Ocasio-Cortez would support global warming...

Given how much she hates ICE and all.

 

What's the difference between climate change and obesity?

One's a worldwide problem.
The other's a wide world problem.

 

What do Transformers do when it gets hot?

They put on a tank top.

 

My neighbors just had a daughter and named her JuneJulyAugust. They call her Summer for short.

  

I had a beer last night and on the side of the can, it said, “Best drunk before August 2026”.

I want to thank the beer company for this prestigious award.

 

One day in August, Julius Caesar was standing on the balcony in his palace, watching the leaves drop silently from the trees.

He was witnessing…. The Fall of the Roman Empire.

 

If you are looking for a hot date, any day in July or August will do

 

The Fourth of July weekend was approaching, and Miss Pelham, the nursery schoolteacher, took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism. 'We live in a great country,' she announced. 'One of the things we should be happy about is that, in this country, we are all free.'

Trevor, who was a little boy in her class, came walking up to her from the back of the room. He stood with his hands on his hips and said loudly, 'I'm not free. I'm four.' 

 

What did George Washington say to his men before they crossed the Delaware?
“Get in the boat, men!”

 

What was the patriots’ favorite food in the Revolutionary War?
Chicken Catch-a-Tory.

 

A tourist was passing through a Texas town in the heat of summer.
He wanted to be sure the water was good to drink, so he asked a local. “Oh, yes,” they assured him.

The tourist then asked the locals what made them so sure.

“Well,” they answered, “first we filter it, then we take out the harmful minerals, then we put it through some chemical process, and then we drink it. Only around here, people call it beer.”

 

Three men gathered together for a round of golf on The 4th of July. The men were quite surprised at being “let out” for the day, and each wanted to know how the other got away from their wife.
The first man said: “I bought some red roses for my wife, and she was so happy that she let me go.”
The second man said: “I purchased a ring for my wife, and she was so thrilled with me that she let me go.”
The third man said: “I woke up this morning, rolled over, looked at my wife, and said to her, ‘Golf course or intercourse,’ and she said, Wear sunscreen, it’s hot outside.’”

 

Tom: What do you do?

Jim: I am into Global prosthetics distribution.
Tom: So you're an artificial limb salesman?
Jim: I prefer 'international arms dealer'.

 

A guy gets a call from a local radio station. “Congratulations,” says the caller. “Your phone number has been selected randomly. We’re with KCLA, and we’re having a contest. All you have to do is answer one question correctly, and you win the grand prize.”
“Fantastic!” says the guy.
“It’s a math question,” says the caller. “Feeling confident?”
“I am,” says the guy. “I have a degree in math, and I teach it at the local school.”
“Great!” says the caller. “Okay, to win backstage passes and two VIP tickets to the Justin Bieber comeback concert… What is 2 + 2?”
And the guy says, “Seven.”

 

And finally, another old off topic joke.

An old lighthouse keeper was nearing retirement and decided to hire a younger man to take over for him when the time came.
He invited the young man for a tour of the structure, a tall building sitting on an isolated island miles away from shore. The voyage to the lighthouse was a rough one with high waves and heavy rain making the voyage difficult. Eventually, the young man safely made it to the island, and the two men commenced the tour, going around the island and its sights.

“Without this lighthouse, ships would often wreck on these rocks,” the old lighthouse keeper told the new man.”
They made their way to the lighthouse afterward as the old man demonstrated the inner workings of the structure before climbing up to the large lantern itself.
“…and that is the gist of it,” the keeper said, having finished the tour. “Any questions?”
“I do have one,” the young man replied. “Are the waters here usually this choppy? I’m just concerned about supplies and keeping food stocked.”
“Ah, yes, you would be right to be concerned,” the keeper replied. “These are not friendly waters, and you may have to wait days, if not weeks, for any vessels to reach the island. Of course, there is a trick to getting more supplies.”
“And that is?” the young man asked.
“Just turn off the lantern and wait for the first wreck.”