Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Hiking Colorado 2014



In the spring of 2014 I was fortunate enough to do some backpacking on the Appalachian Trail with my friend David Romanausky.  Six months later I mentioned to him that our next trip should be located somewhere between his home in Oregon and mine in Texas rather than having to go all the way to the east coast.
                Within a week Dave had contacted me with a series of options for another four day hike in the southern Colorado Rockies.  He scanned a number of full color pages from a detailed book on the Colorado Trail.  This trail runs almost 500 miles, north to south, down the Rocky Mountains.  It shares about 200 of those miles with the Continental Divide Trail which runs along the Great Divide from Canada to Mexico.  In email conversations I reminded Dave that if we were going to do a hike we needed to move soon – winter comes early in the Rockies.  We decided that the last week in September best met our mutual schedules.  Dave decided he would fly to Houston to visit relatives and then we could make the thousand-mile drive to Colorado together. 
                Dave showed up at my house on Sunday evening.  We looked over the trails he had selected for our hike – section 15 of the Colorado Trail. I was excited and a bit apprehensive as this trip would be my first true wilderness backpacking.  Unlike the Appalachian Trail which has shelters all along its length the Colorado Trail is much more primitive and has far fewer people on it.  It is also much higher; more than twice the altitude of the section of the Appalachian Trail we had hiked in the spring.  On the other hand the paucity of shelters gave us much greater flexibility in choosing the lengths of each day’s hike; we were not tied to stopping at a given shelter.  We were limited in having only one car which meant we would have to arrange transportation back to our starting point if we did a straight line hike.  After examining several options including shuttles Dave came up with a plan for an out and back hike.  We would walk up the trail head just off Colorado highway 50 for 8.2 miles and camp at the last place the trail crossed a creek, thus ensuring a supply of water.  This seemed to be reasonable distance for the first day.  We did not really consider the gain of almost 2,000 feet as insurmountable – Dave figured that was about 5 degrees overall.  The second day would have a very steep climb for the first half mile – about another thousand feet.  What we did not include in our considerations was the altitude.  We would be starting at over 9,000 feet and climbing to 11,25; that factor would come into play.  {Cue ominous music}
                I figured that we would split our drive out at Amarillo, Texas as it was about two thirds of the way there, had plenty of inexpensive motels, and was home of the justly famous Big Texas Steak House – home of the free 72 ounce steak.  All you have to do is eat it, all of it, in an hour.  The place is a Texas institution and I figured we should pay it a visit.  I also brought along a selection of audio books to augment my satellite radio in my trusty little Focus, Silver. A note on my car – it is just about perfect for a road trip like this.  It can carry two full-sized adults and all their gear in some comfort at full freeway speeds (that means a bit over the posted limits) at 35 miles per gallon. 
                After our steak dinner we found an inexpensive motel and crashed; we planned on getting an early start.  And we did.  As soon as we left Amarillo Dave’s trusty navigation system had us rolling through rural western roads.  We saw magnificent buttes, wild prairie, and wild antelope.  Soon enough the distant Rockies were showing on the western sky line.  We stopped briefly to take pictures of fenced buffalo with the altogether superfluous sign warning us that “Buffalo are dangerous.”  No kidding.  By lunchtime we rolled into our destination of Salida, Colorado, altitude 7,000 feet. 
Salida is a charming little town with about 5,000 full time residents.  Like many small tourist towns it has more than its fair share of really good restaurants.  We found one and enjoyed a delicious lunch, counting our lucky stars we had found such a good place to eat.  We later found that every restaurant in Salida was good.  There was no doubt we were in Colorado; there were several stores there with marijuana leaves advertised along with signs like ‘Natural High’ and ‘Colorado Smoke Shop.’  Then we headed out to the Monarch Spur campground located about 15 miles west and 1600 feet higher up.  We would have liked to have had the time and money to get more accustomed to the thinner air but it was already late in the season and we were ready to go hiking.  We took a few trips around the area confirming the start point for planned hike and even driving the seven miles up to Monarch Pass.  Then it was back to our campsite located beside a rushing trout stream to have a meal and a companionable cigar by the fire as the soft Colorado night closed in.  I brought along a ‘car tent’ in addition to my backpacking shelter.  Although too heavy to carry on my back it was much larger and more comfortable than my tiny red backpack tent. 
We awoke before first light.  Dave already had a fire going and I already had a problem.  I discovered during the night that my inflatable pad had a slow leak.  I would wake up every couple of hours or so to find it had gone flat.  Sleeping pads are almost a necessity when backpacking.  Not only do they give you a more comfortable night’s rest, they insulate you from the cold ground.  Dave and I decided that since it was early we could go into town and look for a replacement.  After all, the day’s hike was only a bit over eight miles and as long as we were on the trail by nine we would have plenty of time to hike up and get camp set up long before the sun set around 1900.  Down the hill we went, coming to the inevitable small town Wal-Mart, the only place open at 0730.  This being Colorado, they had a perfectly good backpacking sleeping pad (better than my old one actually) and at a reasonable price.  Since we were already down the mountain I persuaded Dave to also stop and get a hearty breakfast to power us up the mountain.
We wasted no time and by 0850 we had arrived at a place just off Highway 50 where we could park Silver.  I quickly opened my backpack and removed my old sleeping pad and sleeping bag so I could fit my new pad into my backpack.  By 0855 the car was out of sight and we were off, hiking up a dirt road, climbing steadily through aspens gloriously getting ready for winter.  The walking was relatively easy for the first mile or so until we came to the trail head proper where the road ended and the backpacking trail began.  Dave signed us in at the register, remarking we were the first people to go up the trail in three days.  People missed a glorious day.  The sky was clear and achingly blue making a gorgeous contrast with the yellow and red leaves of the aspens.  Humidity was low and the temperature was cool; just right for hiking. 
Everyone walks at a slightly different pace.  I typically walk about three miles in an hour carrying a 45 pound pack on my back on easy, flat roads.  I go a bit slower on narrow mountain trails, whether uphill or down.  Once the trail starts uphill I slow dramatically – usually to only a mile or so an hour.  It is much easier to set your own pace rather than adjust to another’s so we agreed that David, who is much more fit than I, should go ahead, and wait for me to catch up every hour or so.  We both enjoyed a chance to so some solitary hiking, leaving us with our thoughts.  Dave’s thoughts are usually how he can power up the inclines.  I guess it is a Seal thing.  He was waiting for me and we had lunch around noon.  Things were going reasonably well except that I was having to stop to just breathe a whole lot more than I expected.  Yes, there is air above 10,000 feet but it is not worth much.
By the next time I caught up with Dave an hour and a half later.  I was really starting to slow down.  My legs were more or less willing but I simply could not get enough oxygen to my muscles to keep any pace up at all.  Dave had been waiting for me for over half an hour.  At my suggestion he agreed to walk the remaining two miles and set up camp at the agreed upon site.  He would leave scratched arrows along to way to confirm I was on the right path, although I hardly needed them.  For one thing his were the only tracks on the trail and his trekking poles left distinctive holes in the dirt.  Trekking poles, for those who don’t know are much like ski poles.  They help in balance and also some of the load off your legs and transfer it to your arms and shoulders.  I myself do not use trekking poles; I prefer a good old fashioned staff.  I got my staff in Estes Park a few years ago.  It is far bigger than it needs to be, a pale length of pine, about two inches in diameter and about four and a half feet long, cut so that it can fit crosswise in my car.  I prefer a stout staff to lightweight trekking poles because it is sturdy.  I am not a small man and I once bent a borrowed trekking pole when I stumbled.  I like being able to lean on it without fear of it breaking.  A staff is also traditional.  And it makes a fine item for self defense should that become necessary.  My trusty staff prevented me from falling at least once or twice a day during my hikes when I stumbled or otherwise lost my balance.  I know my walking staff is bulky and heavy, but I am not actually carrying it – rather the reverse.
As the afternoon wore on, my pace slowed even further.   I would take a few steps and then stop, leaning on my staff.  I had plenty of nice clean mountain air; the problem was that the air did not have enough oxygen in it to keep me going.  At one point about an hour after Dave headed out I became aware that my heart was absolutely pounding.  I took off my pack and sat down.  After a minute or so I thought to check my pulse: 122 beats a minute, almost twice my resting rate.  This was not good.  I waited a good five minutes before it slowed down to a mere 110.  I then laboriously got up and resumed my uphill climb.  And a climb is what it was; unlike previous hikes this uphill had few level places and almost no downhill sections.  Each bend brought another six or eight foot rise to be surmounted.  
I was careful not to let my heart rate hit maximum again.  Every thirty minutes or so I would stop and take out my little tripod stool and sit on the trail for a rest.  Why not? To the best of my knowledge Dave and I were the only people on the mountain.  And then, shortly after I resumed my trek after one of my sit-downs I heard voices.  Two rangers, a man about my own age and a twenty-something young woman were coming down the trail.  They had not seen David because they were scouting a new section of the trail.  Apparently the section we were going to tackle tomorrow was simply too steep and difficult.  They were blazing a new, easier path for next year.  At that moment I decided that I would not be going up that section on the morrow.  Let the Seal climb that stretch.  I would wait in camp.
 I was not especially worried about things until I realized how late it was getting.  Sunset might be after 1900 but there were some big old mountains to the west and the sun would go behind them well before then.  I did not want to set up my tent in the darkness.  I kept on going up, taking a few steps, resting a bit and then taking a few more, and eventually I got there.  There was still plenty of light when I finally saw Dave’s tent pitched off to one side of the trail.  It was a little after 1730; over six and a half hours after we had started out that morning.  I immediately set to pitching my tent for what we assumed would be a cold night.  The previous night had been cool, in the 40’s, but not cold; however that was down at 8600 feet and we were well over 11,000 feet now.  I quickly took out my tent and pad and immediately discovered that I had forgotten to reinsert my nice warm sleeping bag in my pack.  I was in trouble.  Fortunately I had my sleeping bag liner, a lightweight fleece lining that went inside your bag to boost its warming factor.  David immediately offered to let me use his liner as well.  I would fit one inside the other and use them together, dressed in my warmest clothes.  That seemed the best solution.  There was no place to make a fire so we ate our dehydrated dinner while seated on our stools.  It was not the cheeriest campsite; the mountains loomed close on both sides, though there was a nice creek running close by so that we had plenty of water and the pleasurable sound of running water.  I need not have worried about getting caught in the dark – twilight up in the mountains is long.  Though I had no appetite I forced myself to eat, knowing my body needed the fuel.   Dave told me that after he had pitched his tent he had gone up to look at the next stretch of trail.  It daunted even him, with pitches up to 40 degrees.  He did not even want to attempt it with a pack.  We agreed we would go back down to the car on the morrow.
Soon enough it grew dark and we headed for our tents.  There was nothing else to do up there once it got dark.  It was not a good night.  Fortunately it did not really get very cold – it certainly was well above freezing, but a combination of factors made sleep difficult.  For one thing the ground was not level.  Dave did the best job possible to find the two flattest places but even these had a bit of gradient which meant that you were always sliding down toward the foot of your tent.  Although I was warm enough I was just not comfortable.  For one thing I was still affected by the hard hike and even lying in my sleeping pouch I had trouble getting enough oxygen.  The experience reminded me of my long night in the Intensive Care unit.  I would check my watch periodically to see how much of the night had passed and oh, did it pass slowly.
I did get rest, however, and some sleep.  The gray light of dawn had just begun when I heard the zipper on David’s tent open.  It was time for coffee and breakfast.  Then we could go down to someplace that had some more serious air.  Breakfast on the trail is always nice.  There is coffee and hearty oatmeal along with nuts and raisins.  Then there is the discipline of packing up the camp, which by the way is actually pretty easy.  Finally, you shoulder your pack and are on your way.  In this case I was all downhill. 
Because it was downhill I was better able to keep up with Dave on the second day.  We were walking together when we came upon the same older ranger I had met the day before, this time heading up to continue marking the new trail.  Those two encounters were the only people we saw on two beautiful days hiking in the Rockies.  Yes, it was Thursday and Friday, even so it seemed as though we were the only people out enjoying the scenery. 
I have noticed on past hikes that the return downhill seems to go on and on.  You inevitably ask yourself, ‘I climbed UP this?’  Eventually we reached the trailhead which only left us a mile to walk down the rough dirt road.  It would have been a tough road for Silver to go up, but at that point I was regretting I had not driven up to the end of the road.  Eight miles may not sound like a particularly long way to walk; it is if you are carrying a pack and walking on trails.  We were tried by the time we got down, shortly after noon.
We took the now familiar drive down to Salida to pick up some supplies.  Dave got a detailed forestry map from the US Forest Service followed by a nice dinner at a restaurant.   Then we headed back up to our Monarch Pass Spur campground again.  After due consideration David found us another out and back trail.  This one was only about seven miles and had an elevation gain of only about 1200 feet.  Of course, we would be starting at Monarch Pass which is 11,302 feet (according to the sign) so we were up in the thin air again.  On the other hand, we were getting used to the altitude and I was starting to toughen up a bit. 
That night as we sat around the campfire, enjoying a cigar Dave discovered that the forestry service woman had given him the wrong map!  We spent a restful night and were up early headed back down the hill to get fuel for Silver, the right map, and since we were there, another hearty breakfast at the Pancake Plaza.  Of course the forestry service was closed, it was Saturday, but we did not really need the maps after all.  Then it was back to Monarch Pass to start the next adventure.
This hike went well from the start.  For one thing there were lots of people around, all of them on mountain bikes.   I was very impressed with these men and women, all of whom appeared very fit.  Although wide and easy to walk up, the grade was significantly uphill and the bikers were just powering up it.  It is much easier to hike uphill, though I must say it is a lot more fun going downhill on a bike.  After a time the trail narrowed so we had to keep a close eye over our shoulder so we could move off the trail to let the bike riders pass by.  Since they were moving relatively slowly uphill there was plenty of time to exchange greetings.  This trail was much more open than the previous one giving lovely long vistas.  Shortly after lunch I came out above the tree line and it really opened it up.  That also was more or less the end of the climbing.  I could look across and see the trail snaking around the mountain in the distance at the same or even lower altitude – nice. Once I rounded the corner of a mountain and saw David waiting by the trail at least a mile away.  He saw me at once and waved.  I waved back and hallooed.  It was wonderful. 
I arrived at the shelter that would be our campsite around 1530.  This lean to, although resembling the shelters on the Appalachian Train was not finished as well inside.  Instead of a nice set of boards that you could sleep on there was just a dirt floor.  Nor was there a picnic table, just a single plank across the opening that served at a bench and table.  However it was relatively flat with a fine view of a meadow.  We set up our tents a short distance away and then decided to go fill up our water.  The stream was a full quarter of a mile away.  Downhill.  Which meant that after we got our water bottles filled it was a full quarter mile uphill.  Sigh.
We enjoyed the evening, feeding the scrub jays and chipmunks and just enjoying the wild setting.  But there really isn’t much to do at night when you are backpacking, so as soon as it was dark we retired to our tents.  Though I was comfortable enough, I did not sleep well.  I have since discovered that this is common until you adjust to the higher altitude. 
As usual we were up early enjoying the morning fire.  As predicted, the weather was starting to turn; storm clouds were seen and the wind was gusting.  We did not care.  Our camp was well protected and there was hot coffee and oatmeal, thanks to Dave’s jet boil.  The jet boil is the latest in back packing technology.  Light and simple, its propane burner can boil water astonishingly fast. 
We agreed that Dave should go ahead at his own pace and not wait for me along the trail.  I passed him the car keys and off he went.  There was one curious event on the walk back.  About half an hour after we headed out I came to a spot where I could see Dave well ahead and above me.  At the same time I passed the only other backpacker we saw on the entire trip.  His appearance and accent was European.  The wind had picked up out in the open and it was a bit chilly; okay, some would say cold.  This guy was wearing shorts and he was definitely cold.  I figure he hoped to warm up as he walked.  We never figured out where he had camped the night before as it was too far along the trail for him to have left from the trailhead.  It will remain one of life’s mysteries.
As I approached the high point of the hike I saw that I was about to be caught by the rain.  I stopped to put on my rain gear and high-tech pack cover (a garbage bag).  One thing about the mountains – if you don’t like the weather just wait 15 minutes.  Sure enough, soon it cleared, my rain gear was stowed and I began shedding layers.  The walk was very pleasant.  Within a couple of hours the first of the mountain bikers started passing me, much easier to see today as they were coming up and I was headed down.  I saw a few of them who had not given much thought to the concept of mountain weather wearing shorts and a short sleeved jersey in blustery 40-50 degree conditions. 
I had a nice comfortable walk down the hill.  We had left the camp together at 0800.  I completed the seven mile hike at 1215, tired but happy.  David had walked the entire distance without a break and gotten down at 1045.  The man is a phenomenon.  First thing I did was go into the Monarch Pass rest stop where I got a disgustingly delicious chili dog.  Then I let Dave drive us out of there.
The road trip back was even better than the one out.  We drove south through the center of Colorado with mountains on either side, down through the mountains of northern New Mexico, stopping in the metropolis of Las Vegas, New Mexico for dinner, and then on to Tucumcari for the night.  We each got regular rooms, and oh, my were they nice.  The bed was soft and level, there was temperature control, and a remote to watch Sunday night football.  Ah, luxury.
We coasted back to The Woodlands the next day without incident.  We had driven over 2,000 miles and hiked for four days in the Sawatch Mountains.  It was a terrific adventure.   I now feel much more confident in backpacking in remote areas.  David was the perfect companion; always patient and up for anything.  I could not have done it without him.  But next time, I think I will give myself a little more time to get acclimated to high altitudes before undertaking a strenuous hike.



Monday, October 6, 2014

Religious JOW #733



My jokes this week have a sort of religious theme – not for any good reason, but because I happened to hear a few new ones and I tend to remember jokes by subject.   I hope you enjoy them.

Q: What do you call a rabbi with heartburn?
A: An acidic Jew.

Q: Have you heard about the new restaurant called Karma?
A: There’s no menu; you get what you deserve.

Or the Nirvana hot dog company?  They make you one with everything.

A cathedral was being worked on, so the workers rigged a "cage elevator" inside so they could get material up and down to the upper floors. A characteristic of these "cage elevators" is that the doors (gate) must be closed manually for them to be "called" to another floor.  One day one of the workers, Peter by name, takes the elevator to the top floor.  Some time later the elevator was needed on the first floor by the sexton. Unfortunately, Peter forgot and left the cage door open. After the sexton rings for the elevator a couple times, to no avail, he yells up for the worker to send the lift back down. Visitors to the cathedral were treated to this sight: The sexton of the cathedral, head tipped up, yelling up to the heavens:
"Peter! CLOSE THE GATES!!!"

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside.
 “Will I die?” she asks.
God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.”
With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. So since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She looks great! The day she’s discharged, she exits the hospital with a swagger, crosses the street, and is immediately hit by an ambulance and killed.
Up in heaven, she sees God. “You said I had 30 more years to live,” she complains.
“That’s true,” says God.
“So what happened?” she asks.
God shrugs, “I didn’t recognize you.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After listening to a man’s fervent prayers,  God finally decided to grant a man three wishes. 
"I wish for the coolest car in the world." 
"Done- and there was a Bugatti" 
"I wish for a luxurious mansion." 
"Done – and the man found himself in front of a vast mansion in Palm Beach." 
"And I wish for the best woman in the world." 
So God sent him a saintly nun.

===========================
This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping. At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws and nose with dexterity.
They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home (piously, of course). That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they called the dog and showed off a little. The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks, as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't thought about 'normal' tricks.
"Well," they said, "let's try this out."
Once more they called out to the dog, and then clearly pronounced the command, "Heel!"
Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
There is a story about a monastery in Europe perched high on a cliff several hundred feet in the air.
The only way to reach the monastery was to be suspended in a basket which was pulled to the top by several monks who pulled and tugged with all their strength.
Obviously the ride up the steep cliff in that basket was terrifying. One tourist got exceedingly nervous about half-way up as he noticed that the rope by which he was suspended was old and frayed.
With a trembling voice he asked the monk who was riding with him in the basket how often they changed the rope.
The monk thought for a moment and answered, "Whenever it breaks."

And a non-religious one:

A man is filling up his car tank with gasoline and accidentally gets some on his hand. He doesn't notice it, so when he gets into his car he lights a cigarette. His arm instantly catches on fire. The man sticks his arm out the window and begins to wave it around attempting to blow out the flames crawling up his sleeve. A policeman sees the man struggling with his arm on fire and immediately arrests him for having an unlicensed fire arm.

And finally some intellectual quips.
1. I’m reading a great book on anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.
2. I have a new theory on inertia but it doesn’t seem to be gaining momentum.
3. Why can’t atheists solve exponential equations?  Because they don’t believe in higher powers.
4. Schrodinger’s cat walks into a bar. And doesn’t.
5. Do you know the name Pavlov? It rings a bell.
6. A group of protesters in front of a physics lab:
“What do we want?”.
“Time travel”
“When do we want it?”.
“Irrelevant.”
7. What does a subatomic duck say? Quark!

Wednesday, October 1, 2014

Backpacking JOW #732



 My friend David and I just got back from a four day hiking trip in southern Colorado.  It was an adventure not a vacation – an adventure means you will probably be uncomfortable at some place and there may even be an element of danger.  Although we had a great time this was definitely an adventure; and a lot of fun.  I understand that walking over eight miles up a couple thousand feet with a forty five pound pack on your back is not everyone’s idea of a good time.  Believe me, there were times it was not my idea, either.  There were times as I stood huffing and puffing on the trail that I remembered that old saying: “Getting to the top is optional. Getting down is mandatory.”  There may be air above 10,000 feet but it is not much use, and most of our hikes were much higher than that. 
So with hiking still on my mind, here are some jokes and one liners with a hiking/outdoor theme.

Life Lessons from the Trail
A pebble in a hiking boot always migrates to the point of maximum irritation.
The return distance to the trailhead where you parked your car remains constant as twilight approaches.
The sun sets two-and-a-half times faster than normal when you’re hurrying back to the trailhead.
Waterproof rainwear isn’t. (However, it is 100% effective at containing sweat).
The width of backpack straps decreases with the distance hiked. To compensate, the weight of the backpack increases.
Average temperature increases with the amount of extra clothing you’re carrying in your day pack.
The weight in a backpack can never remain uniformly distributed.

******************

A hiker hobbles into the Doctor's office and says "Doctor, I've hiked all the way here and my right leg is killing me, can you take a look at it?"
"Sure," says the doc and he put his stethoscope to the hiker's right shin bone. He hears a small voice say "Doc, can you lend me a quarter?  I am a bit short right now."
Then he listens to the hiker's right knee and hears "Hey Doc, can you lend me a dollar?  I’m tapped out."
Then he puts the stethoscope to the hiker's right thigh and hears "Doc, can you lend me a twenty? I need it bad."
The Doctor puts down the stethoscope and sighs, shaking his head gently from side to side.
The hiker says "Well, did you find out what's happened to my leg?"
The doc says "Yes; I really hate to tell you this, but your leg is broke in three places!"

==================
One day three men were hiking along and came upon a wide, raging river. They needed to get to the other side, but it looked impossible to ford, and they had no idea of how to do it.
The first man prayed: “Please God, give me the strength to cross this river.”
Poof! God gave him big strong arms and legs and he was able to swim across the river.
Seeing this, the second man prayed: “Please God, give me the tools to cross this river.”
Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river.
The third man had observed how this had worked out for his two hiking buddies, so he also prayed, saying, “Please God, give me the strength, ability and intelligence to cross this river.”
Poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the trail map, and in a minute walked across the bridge.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Staff at Canada’s Banff National Park compiled a list of the “All Time Most Dim Questions” asked by park visitors. Read ’em and groan.

·         How do the elk know they’re supposed to cross at the “Elk Crossing” signs?
·         Are the bears with collars tame?
·         I saw an animal on the way to Banff today—could you tell me what it was?
·         Where can I buy a raccoon hat?
·         Are there birds in Canada?
·         What’s the best way to see Canada in one day?
·         Where can I get my husband, really, REALLY, lost
·         Is that 2 kilometers by foot or by car?

More actual complaints to the Forest Service from trail users
“Escalators would help on steep uphill sections.”
“Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness.”
“Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands.”
“Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals.”
“All the mile markers are missing this year.”
“Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill.”
“Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests.”
“Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow in the winter.”
“Chairlifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them.”
“The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals.”
“Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights.”
“Need more signs to keep area pristine.”
“A McDonald’s would be nice at the trailhead.”
“Too many rocks in the mountains.”
“The places where trails do not exist are not well marked.”

Some non-hiking jokes:

·         I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.
·         Two fish are in a tank. The big one says’ “I’ll drive while you handle the gun.”
·         I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.  
·         A truck-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins; it was a turtle disaster.
·         I went to the corner shop. I bought 4 corners

And finally this one is from Steve about our educational system”

1. Teaching Math when I was in school:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

2. Teaching Math In 1980s:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Math In 1990s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit? Yes or No

4. Teaching Math In 2000s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Math In 2010s
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok).

6. Teaching Math In 2020
Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?

ANSWER: His profit was $375,000 because his logging business is just a front for his pot farm.