Backpacking JOW #732

 My friend David and I just got back from a four day hiking trip in southern Colorado.  It was an adventure not a vacation – an adventure means you will probably be uncomfortable at some place and there may even be an element of danger.  Although we had a great time this was definitely an adventure; and a lot of fun.  I understand that walking over eight miles up a couple thousand feet with a forty five pound pack on your back is not everyone’s idea of a good time.  Believe me, there were times it was not my idea, either.  There were times as I stood huffing and puffing on the trail that I remembered that old saying: “Getting to the top is optional. Getting down is mandatory.”  There may be air above 10,000 feet but it is not much use, and most of our hikes were much higher than that. 

So with hiking still on my mind, here are some jokes and one liners with a hiking/outdoor theme.

Life Lessons from the Trail
A pebble in a hiking boot always migrates to the point of maximum irritation.
The return distance to the trailhead where you parked your car remains constant as twilight approaches.
The sun sets two-and-a-half times faster than normal when you’re hurrying back to the trailhead.
Waterproof rainwear isn’t. (However, it is 100% effective at containing sweat).
The width of backpack straps decreases with the distance hiked. To compensate, the weight of the backpack increases.
Average temperature increases with the amount of extra clothing you’re carrying in your day pack.
The weight in a backpack can never remain uniformly distributed.

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A hiker hobbles into the Doctor's office and says "Doctor, I've hiked all the way here and my right leg is killing me, can you take a look at it?"
"Sure," says the doc and he put his stethoscope to the hiker's right shin bone. He hears a small voice say "Doc, can you lend me a quarter?  I am a bit short right now."
Then he listens to the hiker's right knee and hears "Hey Doc, can you lend me a dollar?  I’m tapped out."
Then he puts the stethoscope to the hiker's right thigh and hears "Doc, can you lend me a twenty? I need it bad."
The Doctor puts down the stethoscope and sighs, shaking his head gently from side to side.
The hiker says "Well, did you find out what's happened to my leg?"
The doc says "Yes; I really hate to tell you this, but your leg is broke in three places!"

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One day three men were hiking along and came upon a wide, raging river. They needed to get to the other side, but it looked impossible to ford, and they had no idea of how to do it.

The first man prayed: “Please God, give me the strength to cross this river.”

Poof! God gave him big strong arms and legs and he was able to swim across the river.

Seeing this, the second man prayed: “Please God, give me the tools to cross this river.”

Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river.

The third man had observed how this had worked out for his two hiking buddies, so he also prayed, saying, “Please God, give me the strength, ability and intelligence to cross this river.”

Poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the trail map, and in a minute walked across the bridge.

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Staff at Canada’s Banff National Park compiled a list of the “All Time Most Dim Questions” asked by park visitors. Read ’em and groan.

·         How do the elk know they’re supposed to cross at the “Elk Crossing” signs?

·         Are the bears with collars tame?

·         I saw an animal on the way to Banff today—could you tell me what it was?

·         Where can I buy a raccoon hat?

·         Are there birds in Canada?

·         What’s the best way to see Canada in one day?

·         Where can I get my husband, really, REALLY, lost

·         Is that 2 kilometers by foot or by car?

More actual complaints to the Forest Service from trail users

“Escalators would help on steep uphill sections.”

“Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness.”

“Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands.”

“Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals.”

“All the mile markers are missing this year.”

“Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill.”

“Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests.”

“Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow in the winter.”

“Chairlifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them.”

“The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals.”
“Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights.”

“Need more signs to keep area pristine.”

“A McDonald’s would be nice at the trailhead.”

“Too many rocks in the mountains.”

“The places where trails do not exist are not well marked.”

Some non-hiking jokes:

·         I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.

·         Two fish are in a tank. The big one says’ “I’ll drive while you handle the gun.”

·         I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.  

·         A truck-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins; it was a turtle disaster.

·         I went to the corner shop. I bought 4 corners

And finally this one is from Steve about our educational system”

1. Teaching Math when I was in school:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

2. Teaching Math In 1980s:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Math In 1990s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit? Yes or No

4. Teaching Math In 2000s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Math In 2010s
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok).

6. Teaching Math In 2020
Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?

ANSWER: His profit was $375,000 because his logging business is just a front for his pot farm.