For the Birds JOW #1297

For no particular reason, I have decided to make my jokes about crows this week.  They are very interesting birds; intelligent, sociable, and sometimes a little scary.  When I ran out of crow jokes, I had to include some other bird jokes.  I hope these little jokes amuse you.

 

What do you call birds that stick together?

Vel-crows

 

What kind of drugs do birds do?

Crowcaine

 

Where do birds go out for drinks?

The Crow Bar.

 

Police have begun training Crows to search vehicles.

It's easier to search without a warrant because Police Crows always have Just Cawws.

 

During a review of accident statistics, it was noticed that one particular intersection in Boston had an inordinately high number of dead crows, presumably killed by motor vehicle strikes. Further study revealed the oddity that in every case, the dead crow had been killed by a truck—never a passenger car.
This seemed so statistically unlikely that the city engaged some experts from a local university to study the matter and determine the explanation. What they eventually discovered was that when scavenging, crows always post a sentinel in a nearby tree to warn of the approach of predators or other dangers. The difficulty turned out to be that the crows had no trouble saying “Cah!” but absolutely could not pronounce “truck”.

 

If a group of crows is a murder what is a group of Karen's?

A Homeowners Association.

And what is a group of small children called?

Annoying

 

A crow was arrested and put behind bars.

His lawyer, a lawyer bird obviously, visited him.
"How bad is it?" The crow asked.
Pretty bad." The lawyer bird replied. "They had a warrant to go through your phone."
"So what?" The crow said. "I've got nothing to hide."
"They found the texts to your friends." The lawyer bird said.
"So now it's a crime to ask my fellow crows to hang out?" The crow exclaimed. "They were all too busy to come by anyway"
"You're lucky they were." The lawyer bird replied.  "They've got you on attempted murder!”

 

Here are some non-crow bird jokes.

 

One bird goes to the other “How many birds does it take to screw in a lightbulb?”
The other bird replies, “Well I’m pretty sure Toucan”.

 

Guy: I am great at identifying birds

Friend: ok, what are those on that tree?
Guy: yes, they are all birds.

 

You know why birds sing in the mornings?

Because they don't have to go to work

 

Which bird is always out of breath?
A puffin!

 

What kind of bird runs the church?
A cardinal!

 

Why are there so many hawks and eagles in the church steeple?
Because they are birds of pray.

 

Why do you have to deport sick birds of prey?
it might be an illeagle

 

What birds make the best accountants?

Flamingos. They're real good at balancing

 

What kind of math do Snowy Owls like?
Owlgebra.

 

What kind of bird can carry the most weight?
The crane.

 

You know what they say about picking up baby birds...

‘He who pick up tiny bird acquires small pecker.’

 

What bird brings babies? 

A stork.

What bird prevents babies?

A swallow

 

Have you heard of that disease that you get from kissing birds?

It’s called Chirpes.
It's one of those canarial diseases.
I hear it's untweetable.

……

God: "Adam, I'll let you name the birds"

Adam: "Tit"
God: "Uh ok"
Adam: "Boobie"
God: "Stop naming them after breasts"
Adam: *Looks at rooster*

^^^^^^

A sheriff gets a call regarding a group of suspicious birds gathered along the highway.  So he drives to the reported location and sure enough there’s a group of about 15 vultures all huddled in a circle just off the right lane. The sheriff gets out and walks over to the birds to see what they’re up to. As he approaches he calls out “Hey fellas, mind if I ask what this meetings about?”
The vultures look up and one of them gestures to the center of their group, revealing a dead deer and says “nothing officer, we were just on our lunch break”
The Sheriff nods and says understandingly “Oh I see, carrion then”

~~~~~~

A young turtle is seen in the forest climbing up the trunk of a tree. It reaches the first sturdy branch of the tree and climbs out to the very end of it. At the end of the branch, it hesitates for a minute before jumping off flailing its legs wildly tumbling end over end before smashing headfirst into the ground.
Slightly dazed, the turtle gets up and starts climbing the tree again. This time the turtle passes the first branch, and starts crawling along a higher, less sturdy branch. Once again, he reaches the end, hesitates, and then jumps off flailing wildly and end over end until he smashes headfirst into the ground.
This time the turtle seems clearly shaken up, but resolutely starts climbing the tree again. He bypasses both the first and second branch and climbs out the highest, most shaky branch. This time when he reaches the end of the branch he looks over and waves at two birds watching him.
The birds look at one another when the male bird says: “I think it's time we tell him he is adopted.”

And finally, a supposedly true story

An MIT student spent an entire summer going to the Harvard football field every day wearing a black and white striped shirt, walking up and down the field for ten- or fifteen-minutes throwing birdseed all over the field, blowing a whistle and then walking off the field. At the end of the summer, it came time for the first Harvard home football team, the referee walked onto the field and blew the whistle, and the game had to be delayed for a half hour to wait for the flocks of birds to get off the field. The guy wrote his thesis on this and graduated.