Religious JOW #733

My jokes this week have a sort of religious theme – not for any good reason, but because I happened to hear a few new ones and I tend to remember jokes by subject.   I hope you enjoy them.

Q: What do you call a rabbi with heartburn?
A: An acidic Jew.

Q: Have you heard about the new restaurant called Karma?
A: There’s no menu; you get what you deserve.

Or the Nirvana hot dog company?  They make you one with everything.

A cathedral was being worked on, so the workers rigged a "cage elevator" inside so they could get material up and down to the upper floors. A characteristic of these "cage elevators" is that the doors (gate) must be closed manually for them to be "called" to another floor.  One day one of the workers, Peter by name, takes the elevator to the top floor.  Some time later the elevator was needed on the first floor by the sexton. Unfortunately, Peter forgot and left the cage door open. After the sexton rings for the elevator a couple times, to no avail, he yells up for the worker to send the lift back down. Visitors to the cathedral were treated to this sight: The sexton of the cathedral, head tipped up, yelling up to the heavens:
"Peter! CLOSE THE GATES!!!"

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In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside.

 “Will I die?” she asks.

God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.”

With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. So since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She looks great! The day she’s discharged, she exits the hospital with a swagger, crosses the street, and is immediately hit by an ambulance and killed.

Up in heaven, she sees God. “You said I had 30 more years to live,” she complains.

“That’s true,” says God.

“So what happened?” she asks.

God shrugs, “I didn’t recognize you.”

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After listening to a man’s fervent prayers,  God finally decided to grant a man three wishes. 

"I wish for the coolest car in the world." 

"Done- and there was a Bugatti" 

"I wish for a luxurious mansion." 

"Done – and the man found himself in front of a vast mansion in Palm Beach." 

"And I wish for the best woman in the world." 

So God sent him a saintly nun.

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This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping. At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws and nose with dexterity.
They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home (piously, of course). That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they called the dog and showed off a little. The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks, as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't thought about 'normal' tricks.
"Well," they said, "let's try this out."
Once more they called out to the dog, and then clearly pronounced the command, "Heel!"
Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

There is a story about a monastery in Europe perched high on a cliff several hundred feet in the air.
The only way to reach the monastery was to be suspended in a basket which was pulled to the top by several monks who pulled and tugged with all their strength.
Obviously the ride up the steep cliff in that basket was terrifying. One tourist got exceedingly nervous about half-way up as he noticed that the rope by which he was suspended was old and frayed.
With a trembling voice he asked the monk who was riding with him in the basket how often they changed the rope.

The monk thought for a moment and answered, "Whenever it breaks."

And a non-religious one:

A man is filling up his car tank with gasoline and accidentally gets some on his hand. He doesn't notice it, so when he gets into his car he lights a cigarette. His arm instantly catches on fire. The man sticks his arm out the window and begins to wave it around attempting to blow out the flames crawling up his sleeve. A policeman sees the man struggling with his arm on fire and immediately arrests him for having an unlicensed fire arm.

And finally some intellectual quips.

1. I’m reading a great book on anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

2. I have a new theory on inertia but it doesn’t seem to be gaining momentum.

3. Why can’t atheists solve exponential equations?  Because they don’t believe in higher powers.

4. Schrodinger’s cat walks into a bar. And doesn’t.

5. Do you know the name Pavlov? It rings a bell.

6. A group of protesters in front of a physics lab:
“What do we want?”.
“Time travel”
“When do we want it?”.
“Irrelevant.”

7. What does a subatomic duck say? Quark!