Awakened JOW #1296

This week I am providing some jokes making fun of the current Progressive movement.  With the Internet and social media available to anyone there are no longer any filters, so the crazies now have a voice.  Make no mistake, the right wing has its own nut jobs who are just as ridiculous.  I often thought liberal comedian Bill Mahar had Representative Marjory Tailor Green on retainer for all the silly stuff she sometimes spouts.  But the left has been outdoing them for nonsense for a while.  What makes them irresistible to my sense of humor is the insufferable arrogance and self-righteousness which desperately needs to be pierced.  A ‘woke’ joke or more correctly an anti-woke joke is a joke that makes fun of how sensitive and overly politically correct society has become. Many people are keen to have anything that may be deemed slightly offensive to someone cancelled immediately and this has provided us with some hilarious jokes. 

 

A quote:

“Never say a humorous thing to someone who doesn't possess a sense of humor.  He will always use it in evidence against you.”

 

Some riddles

Why did the tofu refuse to perform stand-up comedy?

It didn’t want to be a part of the tasteless jokes.

 

Why won’t the progressive person laugh at a joke?

Because they’re still analyzing whether it respects all economic, racial, and social constructs.

 

How does a woke person respond to sarcasm?

“I recognize your performative humor, but I still find it problematic.”

 

Why were people flocking to the gender neutral mine?
Because there’s gold in them/their hills.

 

How do you invite a woke friend to dinner?

Very carefully, with assurances of ethical consumption and inclusivity.

 

What’s the official drink of social justice warriors?

Organic, fair-trade grievance tea.

 

What is the name of the new woke superhero?

Captain Virtue-Signal!

 

How many vegans does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they prefer to protest in favor of natural, solar-powered lighting.

 

How many climate activists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, they prefer to “light up” their social media feeds instead.

 

How many non-binary gender-fluent people does it take to change an LED lightbulb?
“DID YOU JUST ASSUME MY LIGHTBULB?”

 

How many social justice warriors does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just kidding, social justice warriors can’t change anything.

 

What is a woke pirate’s favorite letter?

None. Letters are colonizers of thought.

 

What time does a social justice warrior get up in the morning?
It’s hard to say, she’s already woke.

 

How do you know if you are a privileged white straight male?
A feminist will tell you.

 

What’s the difference between a gun and a Progressive?
Guns only have one trigger.

 

What type of tea does the Social Justice Warrior avoid?
Reality.

 

Do you know that there are only 10 genders?
It’s the gender binary.

 

What do you call a group of gay people in the wild?
A pride.

 

What’s a racist, homophobe, sexist, bigot, or hater?
Anyone winning an argument with a progressive.

 

What is Batman’s superpower?
White Privilege.

 

What is it called when brown envelopes aren’t delivered as quickly as white ones?
White Mail Privilege.

 

Why does Walter get to keep more of the drug money than Jessie?
White privilege.

 

Chess has been declared racist.  Think about which color is first to move in chess.
It’s a white privilege.

 

Why did the activist cross the road?

To protest on both sides.

 

What do you call a progressive coffee shop?
Stay Woke.

 

What is the difference between the internet and the North Pole?

The internet has more snowflakes.

 

Alabama is so progressive that

the women don't even change their last names when they get married

 

What do you call a progressive who is afraid of germs?

A Social Distance Warrior

 

You know homeless people are the real progressives of this country.

Always asking for change.

 

What do liberal arts majors yell when overwhelmed?

Oh,the humanities!

 

An amazing new movie was released about a disabled seagull with a broken wing that learned to fly. Unfortunately, the woke media mob ensured that it was immediately cancelled.

They were upset that a movie about a right-wing extremist was in the public eye.

 

Apparently, some clouds are starting to be cancelled.

People are not happy that they were throwing shade at people.

 

A conservative, a liberal and a moderate walk into a bar

The conservative orders a whisky, the liberal a white Russian. After a few drinks of each they launch into a wild argument with each other.
The bartender turns and asks the moderate what he wants.
Replieth the moderate, "Nothing. I'm the one who has to drive them home."

And finally

I recently asked my friend's little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President someday. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, 'If you were President, what would be the first thing you would do?' 
She replied, 'I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people.'
Her parents beamed with pride.
'Wow...what a worthy goal.' I told her. 'But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house.'
She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, ' Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?'
I said, 'Welcome to the Republican Party.'
Her parents still aren't speaking to me.