Insignificicant Federal Holiday JOW #835

I am starting to get a handle on the two candidates for the Presidency.  I made an analogy for how things were in high school.  Donald would be the big man on campus - just ask him.  He would swagger down the hall with his sycophants in tow, lording over the other kids.  He would not study particularly hard but, hey, they can’t fail him; he’s on the football team so he gets by academically.  Hillary would be the informal head of the mean girls.  She would be determined to be Valedictorian and studies relentlessly.  Not only that, she sucks up to the teachers for extra credit.  Then she sneaks into the Science Fair and sabotages other kid’s projects. 

Trump’s therapist said that his narcissism causes him to misread social situations.  He, on the other hand, was pretty sure she was hitting on him.

  

These are from Dick -

 The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.

 The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you.

 Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.

 Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."

"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her.

In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

 The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

 After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.

 "Yes?" said the Instructor.

 "I was just wondering if it would be all right, if she carries a golf bag?

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Whatever you do in life, always give 100 percent. Unless you’re donating blood.

Sign on a stable – Caution, floor covered with political promises.

Common sense is a flower that does not grow in everyone’s garden.

The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good spit it out.

 The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I’m worried about the 175 pounds I’ve gained since then.

I always wondered what the job application is at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out?”

Denny’s has a slogan, “If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us.” If you’re going to Denny’s on your birthday, your life sucks.

  

I can’t understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women’s clothing line named, “Sag Harbor.”

I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!

There is an application for everything these days; even for us worn out old guys:  iTired - there is a nap for that.

Woody provided me with some quotes.

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'

- Lillian Carter

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I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered.  But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'

- Eleanor Roosevelt

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Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement..

- Mark Twain

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The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible

- George Burns

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Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.

- Victor Borge

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Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

- Mark Twain

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By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

- Socrates

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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

- Groucho Marx

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My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.

- Jimmy Durante

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I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.

- Zsa Zsa Gabor

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Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.

- Alex Levine

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My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.

- Rodney Dangerfield

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Money can't buy you happiness.... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

- Spike Milligan

Or in the words of a recent country song: ‘Money can’t buy happiness – but it can buy me a boat.’

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Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .

- Joe Namath

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I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon.  Then it's time for my nap.

- Bob Hope

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I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it..

- W. C. Fields

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We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.

- Will Rogers

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Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

- Winston Churchill

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Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out..

- Phyllis Diller

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By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

- Billy Crystal

And finally, ponder this:

The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married.  Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Ellie, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.  

Sports Time JOW #83

 Ah, that magic time of the year – the weather is cooling so it is a pleasure to walk or jog outside and all four major sports are either underway or are in preseason.   Even golf and NASCAR are on television.  I had two football games and a baseball pennant chase game going on last Sunday.  Or at least that is what I discovered when I woke up from my nap. 

Since it ‘tis the season, I think a few jokes about sports are in order.

The Fridge and the Lord’s Prayer –

Ah, those fabulous Bear teams of the 1980’s with their wonderful cast of colorful characters.  William ‘The Refrigerator’ Perry was a notable standout.  Just before the end of one team meeting Coach Mike Ditka asked the Refrigerator if he would end the meeting by leading the team in the Lord’s Prayer.  Ditka then started making his final points to the team.

One of the defensive players who knew the Refrigerator could tell he was very nervous.

He turned to one of the offensive linemen and whispered, “The Fridge doesn’t know the words to the Lord’s Prayer.”

“Nah, everybody knows how that starts out.”

“I bet you $20 he doesn’t know it.”

“Deal,” agreed the offensive lineman.

Sure enough, when Ditka finished he turned to a very nervous Fridge and said, “William, will you lead us in The Lord’s Prayer?”

Slowly the Refrigerator began to pray: “Now I lay me down to sleep…”

“Damn it,” complained the defensive player handing over the twenty, “I didn’t think he knew it.”

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A Red Sox fan liked to amuse himself by scaring every Yankees fan he saw strutting down the street in an obnoxious NY pinstripe shirt. He would swerve his van as if to hit them, then swerve back just missing them. One day while driving along, he saw a priest. He thought he would do a good deed, so he pulled over and asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"

"I'm going to give Mass at St. Francis church, about two miles down the road," replied the priest. "Climb in, Father. I'll give you a lift!"

The priest climbed into the passenger seat, and they continued down the road. Suddenly, the driver saw a Yankees fan walking down the road, and he instinctively swerved as if to hit him. But, as usual, he swerved back onto the road just in time. Even though he was certain that he had missed the guy, he still heard a loud THUD.  Not knowing where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors but still didn't see anything. He then remembered the priest, and he turned to the priest and said, "Sorry Father, I almost hit that Yankees fan."

"That's alright my son," replied the priest "I got him with the door."
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Q: How many San Francisco fans does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: None. Lava lamps don't burn out man!
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Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?  In case he got a hole in one.

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A seven-year old boy was at the center of a Fulton County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the Child Welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Cleveland Browns, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
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Q: How many NCAA basketball players does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Only one. But he gets money, a car, and three credit hours for it.
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The football coach had a meeting with the University President’s office.

 “I need a raise,” the coach demanded.

“Please,” protested the President, “you already make more than the English department.”

“Maybe so, but you don’t know what I have to put up with.  Let me show you.”

He goes out into the hall and grabbed one of his jocks who was jogging by.  “Run over to my office and see if I’m there,” he told the kid.

Twenty minutes later the jock returned and reported.

“You’re not there.”

After the man left the President shook his head.  “I see what you mean.  I would have phoned.”

Here are some sport’s commentator bloopers:

Baseball announcer: “If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.”

Boxing analyst:  “Sure there have been injuries and even deaths in boxing – but none of them were really that serious.”

Basketball analyst: “He dribbles a lot and the other players don’t like it.  In fact, you can see it all over their faces.”

And Greg Norman responding to a golfing analyst’s question –“I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.”

And finally, here are a few Texas one-liners passed on from Dick.

·         I consider myself a vegetarian once removed.  Animals eat plants, then I eat them.

·         If he was as dumb as dirt he would just about cover an acre.

·         Sign on Texas fence.  BEWARE of ….  Well, Just Beware.