Women versus Men JOW #898

One of my recurring JOW themes is the eternal battle between men and women.  Right now I think women have the men on the run. Women want equality, men want to know what the hell's going on!! Can you imagine what the pundits would say about the ‘times up’ movement if Hilary had run a half-way competent campaign and we had a female president?  By now I am sure there would have been federal laws mandating burning at the stake as punishment for sexual harassment.   I will start this set of jokes with a brief essay I found about women and men.

Women have strengths that amaze men. They carry children, they carry hardships, they carry burdens, but they hold happiness, love and joy. They smile when they want to scream. They sing when they want to cry. They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous. Women wait by the phone for a "safe at home" call from a friend after a snowy drive home.
They are child care workers, executives, attorneys, stay-at-home moms, biker babes and your neighbors. They wear suits, jeans, and they wear uniforms. They fight for what they believe in. They stand up for injustice. They are in the front row at PTA meetings.  They work to get their children in the right schools and get their family the right health care. They don't take "no" for an answer when they believe there is a better solution. They stick a love note in their children's lunch box. They go without new shoes so their children can have them. They go to the doctor with a frightened friend. They love unconditionally. They are smart, knowing that knowledge is power. But they still know how to use their softer side to make a point.
Women want to be the best for their family, their friends, and themselves. They cry when their children excel and cheer when their friends get awards. They are happy when they hear about a birth or a new marriage. Their hearts break when a friend dies. They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left. A woman's touch can cure any ailment. They know that a hug and a kiss can heal a broken heart. Women come in all sizes, in all colors and shapes. They live in homes, apartments and cabins. They drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you. The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin! Women do more than just give birth. They bring joy and hope. They give compassion and ideals. They give moral support to their family and friends.
And all they want back is a hug, a smile and for you to do the same to people you come in contact with.

Men on the other hand are mostly just good at picking up heavy things

(The author of this essay did not want to give her name.)

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In order for a man to interest a woman he has to be smart, funny, complementary, strong, compassionate, caring, romantic, prosperous, and generous.

In order for a woman to interest a man all she needs to do is show up in a sexy outfit with a six pack of beer.

………………..

Everyone says the world would be better off if it was run by women. Sure, maybe there wouldn't be violence and territorial conquests fueled by male testosterone. But instead, we'd have a bunch of jealous countries that aren't talking to each other.
“””””””””””””

When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.  Although when we were on the Navajo reservation we learned that sometimes when the man opened the car door for the woman the car was doing about sixty.

Two quick riddles:

Q: Is Google male or female?
A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.

Q. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
A: Because like all men, they won't stop to ask directions.

^^^^^^^^^^^

For all the guys who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember that's where the knives are kept.

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A man is being arrested by a female police officer, who informs him, "Anything you say can and will be held against you."

The man replies, "Boobs!"

>>>>>>>>>>>> 

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

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Men see better than they listen, so women wear makeup.

Women listen better than they see, so men lie.

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PMS jokes aren't funny. Period.

++++++++++++

Women are like roads. The more curves they have, the more dangerous they are.

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Jane: "Where are all the kind, considerate, loving men who can show their feelings?"
Jill: "They already have boyfriends."

Why dogs are better than men

Dogs don't have problems expressing affection in public.
Dogs miss you when you are gone.
You can train a dog.     
Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
Dogs understand what "NO" means.
Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
When dogs play "fetch", they don't laugh at how you throw.
Dogs are color blind.
Dogs understand if some of their friends aren't allowed to come inside.

Why dogs are better than women

Dogs love it when your friends come over.

Dogs think you sing great.

Dogs don't weep.

Dogs don’t mind flatulence.

Dogs love red meat.

If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.

A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.

Dogs never need to examine the relationship.

Dogs love long car trips.

Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.

Dogs aren't catty.

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An English professor wrote the words, "A woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly.
      
      The men wrote: "A woman, without her man, is nothing."
      
      The women wrote: "A woman: without her, man is nothing."

Old Year Drinking JOW #897

This a time when you are supposed to set goals and resolutions for the coming year.  I'm actually feeling pretty okay about not accomplishing anything at all this year.   
I’m sure there have been times in 2017, when I have annoyed you, disturbed you, and just generally irritated you....I probably will continue to do that in 2018, too.   In that spirit here are some jokes and observations about New Year’s, alcohol, and getting older.

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On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living. Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck, the bartender was almost crushed to death.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

·         Youth is When You're Allowed to Stay Up For New Year’s Middle age is when you're forced to. 

·         What's a Digital Camera's New Year’s Resolution? 1080p

·         I just heard that in 2018 there will be a new device that can turn thoughts into speech. I have had that for years, it's called alcohol.

A Senator in the USA was once asked about his attitude toward whisky.

'If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it.  But if you mean the elixir of a New Year toast, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it.  This is my position, and I will not compromise.'

>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

The average age of people living a military retirement community is 85. Recently, a neighbor turned 100, and a big birthday party was thrown. Even the old man’s son turned up.

“How old is your son?” a tenant asked.

“He’s 79 years old,” he answered.

The tenant shook her head. “They sure grow up fast, don’t they?”

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When an old soldier came to the clinic for an MRI, he was put into the machine by an attractive, young technician.  When the examination was over, he was helped out of the machine by a far older woman. The soldier remarked, “How long was I in there?”

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After trick-or-treating, a teen took a shortcut home through the cemetery. Halfway across, he was startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spotted an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at a headstone.

“I thought you were a ghost,” says the relieved teen. “What are you doing working so late?”

“Oh, those idiots,” grumbles the old man. “They misspelled my name!”

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“What’s a hipster?” asked the seven-year-old.

“Someone who will wear something just to look different,” her mother explained. “They’ll often buy clothes in thrift shops and wear thick glasses.”

“Is Grandma a hipster?” he asked.

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Seeing her friend Sally wearing a new locket, Meg asks if there is a memento of some sort inside.

“Yes,” says Sally, “a lock of my husband’s hair.”

“But Larry’s still alive.”

“I know, but his hair is gone.”

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While the old couple were making their funeral arrangements, the cemetery salesman pointed out a plot that he thought they would like. “You’ll have a beautiful view of the pond,” he assured them.

The old man wasn’t sold: “Unless you’re including a periscope with my casket, I don’t know how I’m going to enjoy it.”
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A woman of a certain age walked into a bar; the bartender asks for ID.

“You’ve got to be kidding,” she said. “I’m almost 40 years old.”

The bartender apologized. The lady showed her ID, and had a drink.  When she paid she told the bartender to keep the change. “The tip’s for carding me,” she said.

The bartender put the change in the tip cup. “Thanks,” he said. “Works every time.”

Bill sent me a couple more that I will share.

The king wanted to go fishing, and he asked the royal weather forecaster the forecast for the next few hours.  The palace meteorologist assured him that there was no chance of rain.

 So the king and the queen went fishing.  On the way he met a man with a fishing pole riding on a donkey, and he asked the man if the fish were biting.

 The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace!  In just a short time I expect a huge rain storm."

 The king replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard.  He is an educated and experienced professional. Besides, I pay him very high wages.  He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him."

So the king continued on his way. However, in a short time a torrential rain fell from the sky.  The King and Queen were totally soaked.

 Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the meteorologist.  Then he summoned the fisherman and offered him the prestigious position of royal forecaster.

 The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting.  I obtain my information from my donkey.  If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain."

 So the king hired the donkey.

 And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in influential positions of government. The practice is unbroken to this date.

And finally

I have this fine old bull, but lately he is not doing his share – some of my cows did not have calves this year.
Anyhow, I had the vet come and have a look at him.
He said the bull was still healthy enough, and he gave me some pills to feed him every day.
The bull started to service the cows again within two days - all of them!  He was bouncing around the field like a youngster.
I don't know what was in the pills the vet gave him. But they kind of taste like peppermint.