Lawyer Jokes - of another kind #800

This is my 800^th JOW; sometimes I do run out of jokes so I can use all the help I can get.  Tom and Pat (both ‘sort of’ retired lawyers) have been very generous providing me with lots of fodder for the JOWs.  This week almost my entire offering comes from those two attorneys.  (I just hope they don’t bill me as I cannot afford either one of them.)  Of course the stuff they send me is less restrained than jokes I normally use in the JOWs, including racy, off-color jokes and really political ones that are delightfully offensive.  I normally screen those out but I do end with a political spoof this week – it’s okay; the target is Ted Cruz who is a practicing attorney.  People ask me about my own political beliefs.  I am sort of a contrarian, going all over the place on various issues.  Sort of like gun rights for married gay couples so they can protect their homes and marijuana plants. 

Let me start with the best doctor joke Tom knows:

St. Peter is at the gates of heaven checking people in with a clipboard in his hand. The line is moving slowly.

Suddenly a man runs up to the gate and says, "Let me in. Let me in NOW. I am a DOCTOR and there is an emergency."

So, St. Peter motions the man into heaven immediately.

Well, the people in line are a bit flustered by this.

One says to St. Peter, "How come that DOCTOR gets in immediately . . .  and we have to wait in this very slow line?"

St. Peter says, "Doctor? What doctor?  . . . . . . OH, you mean that guy I just let in? He is not a doctor. That was GOD. He just THINKS he's a doctor."

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

This month, Immigration will begin deporting seniors (instead of illegal aliens) in order to lower the costs of Social Security and Medicare.  Older people are also easier to catch and less likely to remember how to get back home.

>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

Three bulls heard the rancher was bringing a new bull onto the ranch.

“He ain’t getting any of my cows,” said the oldest, biggest bull.

“He can’t have any of mine, either,” said the next biggest bull.

The youngest, smallest bull didn’t say anything because he did not have any cows of his own yet.

When the farmer pulled up with a heavy trailer the three bulls lined up to see this new bull.  Slowly a magnificent, massive monster bull comes down the ramp.

Looking at the huge new bull the first bull says, “Well, maybe he can have some of my cows.”

“I could spare a few, too,” said the next bull nervously.

They look over at the smallest bull and are astonished to see him pawing the earth and bawling out a challenge.

“What are you doing?” they asked him.

“I am just making sure he knows I am not a cow.”

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Pat was in a bar when a waitress suddenly screams out – “Does anybody know CPR?”

“Hell, I know the entire alphabet,” says Pat.

Everybody laughed – well, except this one guy…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A guy walks into a bar and asks the barman,
'Is that Trump and Cruz sitting over there?'
The bartender says, 'Yep, that's them.'
So the guy walks over and says, 'Wow, this is a real honor! What are you guys doing in here?'
Trump says, 'We're planning our new immigration strategy.  We are going to deport every Muslim in the US and one beautiful blonde with big boobies.'
The guy exclaimed, 'A beautiful blonde with big boobies?  Why deport a beautiful blonde with big boobs?'
Trump turns to Cruz and says, 'See, I told you, nobody cares about the Muslims.’

……………………..

Sign in Oklahoma – “You are entering a sharia-free zone.  Please set your watches forward 1400 years.”

++++++++++++++++

How is it that you can sue Walmart if you fall, McDonald’s if you get fat, but not Budweiser for all the ugly people you have slept with?

When we were kids they didn’t have to say, ‘don’t try this at home’ because we weren’t complete morons.

================
Einstein once said, 'The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.' - Einstein clearly never used a Microsoft product.

………………………….

If you think about, it a ‘lethal dose’ is also a lifetime supply.

****************

When TV shows say ‘adult situations’ they are not showing people paying bills or cleaning up after their kids.

And finally:

Senator Ted Cruz’s stunning victory in the Iowa caucuses is serving as a beacon of hope to despised people across the nation, a number of disliked Americans confirmed on Monday.

In interviews from coast to coast, dozens of pariahs said that the Cruz triumph meant that “the sky’s the limit” for widely hated people like them.

Tracy Klugian, a real-estate agent from Jupiter, Florida, said that the fact that she has systematically alienated her co-workers, by bad-mouthing them to management and stealing their listings, no longer seems like an obstacle to advancement.

“Sometimes, knowing that everyone in the office hates me so much that they won’t even ride in an elevator with me kind of brought me down,” she said. “That’s why this Cruz thing is such a game-changer.”

Chuck Greister, a general contractor who has incurred the wrath of hundreds of clients for his shoddy work and flagrant, who-gives-a-crap attitude, said that Ted Cruz’s victory in Iowa has “been nothing short of inspirational.”

“Showing up four hours late or drinking on the job site—sure, loads of people hated me for that,” Greister said. “But a little hate never stopped a gentleman named Mr. Ted Cruz.”

In the wake of the Iowa caucuses, America’s most unlikeable people were lighting up Facebook with comments in praise of Cruz, bursting with pride that one of their number had a legitimate shot at the White House.

“There are a lot of despised little kids out there who probably think that they’ll never be President,” Klugian said. “Ted Cruz gives them a reason to dream.”

Frogger JOW #799

I do appreciate all the help I can get. Debbie sent me her favorite frog job in response to one I included last week.  Ha!  I love frog jokes.  That made for an easy set of joke this week – and here they are.  Remember, I said easy, not necessarily good.

An engineer crosses a road when a frog calls out to him, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bends over, picks up the frog and puts it in his pocket. The frog speaks up again and says, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one month."
The engineer takes the frog out of his pocket, smiles at it and returns it to the pocket.
The frog then cries out, "If you kiss me and turn me back, I'll do whatever you say!"
Again the engineer takes the frog out, smiles at it and puts it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asks, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, I'll stay with you for a month and do whatever you say. What more do you want?"
The engineer says, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool!"

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

A frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and was told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young woman who will want to know everything about you."

  The frog said, "That's great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"

  "No," said the psychic, "Next term-in her biology class."

Which reminds me of a quote from E.B. White

“Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog.  Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.”

~~~~~~~~

Q. How many frogs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One frog and 37 light bulbs - slippery fingers, ya know!

·         Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them!

·         What do you call a woman with a frog on her head? Lilly.

·         What’s a frog’s favorite game? It's croak-et!

·         What do lawyers and bullfrogs have in common? Both have big heads that consist mostly of mouth!

·         What's the difference between a cat and a frog? A Cat has nine lives but a Frog croaks every night!

·         What do you get when you cross a baseball player with a frog? An outfielder who catches flies and then eats them.

·         What do you get when you cross a frog and a pig? A lifetime ban from the Muppet Show studio.

A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a frog sitting next to him. "Are you a frog?" asked the man, surprised.

 "Yes."

“What are you doing at the movies?"

The frog replied, "Well, I liked the book."

………………………

The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a frog walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the frog's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"

 "Not really," said the frog. "Your name is written inside the cover."

**************

One day the Library was lonely with no one in it for the librarian to help. These two chickens came through the door screeching "bouk bouk." The librarian quickly got up and gave them each 5 books. The two chickens left satisfied. Just a few minutes later the same two chickens come through the door with no books screeching "bouk bouk." The librarian once again jumps up and gives each chicken 15 books this time. The chickens leave satisfied once again. Then again for the third time the chicken return screeching "bouk bouk" But this rime being suspicious the librarian gives each chicken only one book because they have still have not returned the other books. As the chickens leave the librarian slowly follows behind to see where all the books are going. The chickens come to a stop and start throwing the books into a pond where some frogs grab the books and throw them behind their back croaking "red-it red-it"

++++++++++++++++
A guy walks into a bar with a frog on his head.

The bartender says, "What's that all about?"

The frog replies, "I dunno. Just last week is was just a wart on my ass."

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

A rabbit is walking across a field when he suddenly bumps into a frog. The frog goes head over heels backwards though the grass.

  "I'm sorry," says the rabbit, "I didn't see you coming, because I have a problem - I've been blind since birth"

  The frog replies, "Don't worry about it; It wasn't entirely your fault because I didn't see you coming - I'm blind too".

  The frog then says - to the rabbit, "What are you?"

  The rabbit replies, "Being blind - since birth, I'm not really sure what I am - I've never seen anything to compare myself to."

  The rabbit says to the frog, "What are you?"

  The frog replies, "Likewise - I've not seen anything to compare myself to either."

  The frog then says, "I know - we'll feel each other and then we will be able to tell what we are - I'll go first."

  The frog runs his hands over the rabbit and says, "You've got a nice soft fur coat, long pointed ears, buck teeth & your breath smells of carrots - you must be a rabbit!"

  The rabbit runs his hands over the frog and says, "You're cold and slimy with a big mouth - you must be a politician!"

And finally, one of the staples of frog humor:

This frog walks into a bank to get a loan. He steps up to the counter and asks for an application from the clerk, Patty Wack.
"Hi, I'd like to fill out an application for a loan", said the frog.

Patty Wack replied, "Do you have any collateral for this loan; something to stand against your loan?"

The frog replied, "All I have is this statue of a unicorn."

"Well, I don't know," said Patty Wack, "I'll have to ask the manager about this."

Patty Wack goes to see the bank manager.  “What is this thing, sir?  Can we use is as collateral?”

The bank manager looks at the statue and replies: "It’s a Knick Knack, Patty Wack. Give the frog a loan."