Don't let me be misunderstood JOW #831

Here are a few jokes based on simple misunderstandings, followed by the usual grab bag of humor that randomly comes to me.

From Dick

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Phil must have experienced.

"Phil was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

 A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Phil."

The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

++++++++++++

A woman is pulled over for a traffic citation.  The officer looks at her license and says, “Ma’am, your license says you should be wearing glasses.”

“I have contacts, sir,” she replies.

“I don’t care who you know, you’re getting a ticket!”

================

A husband came up behind his wife in the kitchen while she was washing dishes.

“Would you like to go out, girl?” he said.

Not even turning around the wife replied, “Oh, I’d love to.  We haven’t been out in so long.”

They had a wonderful evening that night.  It wasn’t until the next day that the husband finally confessed that his question had been directed to the family dog who was laying on the kitchen floor.

>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

How often have you heard the phrase ‘he died doing what he loved?  Like that’s the best time to die, when you’re doing something you love?

No, you want to die when you’re doing something you hate.  I mean, when it’s time for me to go let it be in the middle of an audit or something.

***************

A high school student ran into his third grade teacher.  He doubted she would remember him.

“Hi, Mrs. Brunet.”

“Hi, Bobby,” she replied.

“So you remember me,” the boy said with a smile.

“Certainly.  You don’t always leave a good impression, but it is a lasting one.”

^^^^^^^^^^^

Clay was one of the world’s great hypochondriacs.  He cornered his doctor one day, “Doc, I have been meaning to tell you, remember those voices I was hearing in my head?  I haven’t heard them in a month.”

That is great news, Clay.  I am happy for you,” his doctor said cautiously.

“There is nothing wonderful about it,” said Clay miserably.  “Now my hearing is starting to go.”

From Woody

Did I read that sign right?

“TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW.”

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In a Laundromat:

AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT.

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In a London department store:

BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS...

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In an office:

WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN.

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In an office:

AFTER TEA BREAK, STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD.

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Outside a second-hand shop:

WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

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Spotted in a safari park:
(I sure hope so.)

ELEPHANTS, PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR.

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Seen during a conference:

FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR.

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Notice in a farmer's field:

THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

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Here are some more newspaper headlines.  Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife And Daughter

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Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

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Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

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Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

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Miners Refuse to Work after Death

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Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant 

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War Dims Hope for Peace

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If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

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Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

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Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

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Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge

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New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

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Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

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Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

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Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

**********************

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Two rats were munching on garbage in an alley.  One says to the other, “Did you hear about that new restaurant Gallios?  It is so clean!  The kitchen and floors are spotless.  The whole place shines.”

“Please,” the other rat said making a face, “not while I am eating.”

And finally

The political campaigns are getting really nasty.  The Clinton camp was going to make a big deal about the fact that Donald Trump used to date women much younger than himself.  Then they realized the same could be said for Hillary…

Laboring Hard JOW #830

Labor Day is an odd holiday.  It was originally was to recognize the contributions of working people.  In the 125 years or so it has been a federal holiday its meaning has been diluted along with the labor moment.  Today it should be known as Official End of Summer Weekend, a designated barbecue holiday.  I intended to have some jokes about Labor Day, but it, like feminism, is just not very funny.  So I put together some quick jokes for your amusement.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Apparently Hillary Clinton is the only person who got an email from a Nigerian Prince and actually got the $20 million.

This joke allegedly won an award for the best joke in world competition held in England:

A group of French, German, Russian, and American doctors were boasting about their nation’s medical prowess.

The French doctor started by saying, “We took a dead man's balls and transplanted them to a
living man and now he is looking for work.’

The German doctor says: “In Germany, we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in four weeks he is looking for work."
The Russian doctor says:  "Gentlemen, we can take half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in two weeks he is looking for work."    

The American doctor laughs: "You all are behind us. Seven years ago, we took a man with no brains, no heart and no balls and made him President twice.
Now, the whole country is looking for work!"
>>>>>>>>>>>>>

A boy came home from school and informed his dad that ‘gay marriage will soon be legal in the US.”

His dad asked him “Why are you so happy?  Do you have a boyfriend?”

“No, it’s the principle, dad.”

His father shrugged, “At least it’s not the priest.”

+++++++++++++++++

A man and woman are sleeping together when sudden there was a noise downstairs.  Seeing the man is deeply asleep, she wakes him and whispers, “It’s my husband, you have to get out of here.”

The man jumps out of bed, grabs his trousers, and heads for the window.  He is half out when he realizes he is in his own home.

He looks back to the woman and says, “Wait, I’m your husband.”

She looks and him with crossed arms.  “So why did you run?”

---------------------

A man wakes up alone in a hospital bed.  The room is completely empty but for his bed.  He pushed the call button and a voice replies.

“Where am I?” he asked plaintively.

“You are in the isolation ward,” the box says.  “You have a new dangerous virus that is terribly contagious.”

“What are you going to do for me?” asked the man.

“Well, to start we are putting you on a strict diet of pizza only.”

“Why pizza?”

“It’s the only thing we can fit under the door.”

*****************

A man came to the door of a charity.  “Sir, you have got to help!” the man at the door said tearfully.  “There is a family I know very well that is in desperate need of money.  The father has been ill for months.  The mother lost her job three months ago.   They have five kids at home with barely enough to eat.  The worst part is they are about to be kicked out of their apartment and will be left on the streets without a roof over their heads.”

“Well,” said the charity director, “that is really sad.  Why don’t you come inside and talk about it a little more.”  The man stopped sobbing and sat down.  “So how much money does this family need?”

“Oh, it is really terrible,” sniffed the man, “they will need $3000 for the rent by tomorrow or they will be evicted.”

“How do you know so much about his poor family?” asked the director as he reached for his checkbook.

“Well,” said the man, “they are my tenants.”

Here is a cute puzzle I remember from way back when.

A long time ago, a farmer went into town and bought a bag of feed, a bucket, two chickens, and a goose.  He looks at his purchases and says, “Damn.  I walked here.  How am I going to get all this back to my farm?”

The store owner was smart.  “Why don’t you put the feed in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?”

“Good idea,” said the farmer gratefully and set off for home.

On his way back through town he met a lady who told him she was lost.  “Do you know the way to Mockingbird Lane?”

“Well, as a matter of fact I live just down the road from there.  Let’s take a shortcut down this alley.”

The lady looked at him and said, “Sir, I am a lonely widow with no husband to defend me.  How do I know that when we get into that secluded alley you will not back me against that wall, lift up my skirts, and have your way with me?”

The farmer looked at her in astonishment.  “Lady, how could I do that?  I am carrying a bag of feed, a bucket, two chickens and a goose?”

The widow was smart.  “Well,” she said with a grin, “you could put the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the feed on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens…”