Here are a few jokes based
on simple misunderstandings, followed by the usual grab bag of humor that
randomly comes to me.
From Dick
The pastor asked if
anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
Suzie Smith stood and
walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my
husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely
crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could
help him."
You could hear a
muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that
poor Phil must have experienced.
"Phil was unable
to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him
terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it
turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil's
scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the
congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible
surgery performed on Phil.
"Now," she
announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Phil is out of the
hospital and the doctors say that with time his scrotum should recover
completely."
All the men sighed
with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had
something to say.
A man stood up
and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Phil."
The entire congregation
held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."
++++++++++++
A woman is pulled over for
a traffic citation. The officer looks at
her license and says, “Ma’am, your license says you should be wearing glasses.”
“I have contacts, sir,”
she replies.
“I don’t care who you
know, you’re getting a ticket!”
================
A husband came up behind
his wife in the kitchen while she was washing dishes.
“Would you like to go out,
girl?” he said.
Not even turning around
the wife replied, “Oh, I’d love to. We
haven’t been out in so long.”
They had a wonderful
evening that night. It wasn’t until the
next day that the husband finally confessed that his question had been directed
to the family dog who was laying on the kitchen floor.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>
How often have you heard
the phrase ‘he died doing what he loved?
Like that’s the best time to die, when you’re doing something you love?
No, you want to die when
you’re doing something you hate. I mean,
when it’s time for me to go let it be in the middle of an audit or something.
***************
A high school student
ran into his third grade teacher. He
doubted she would remember him.
“Hi, Mrs. Brunet.”
“Hi, Bobby,” she
replied.
“So you remember me,”
the boy said with a smile.
“Certainly. You don’t always leave a good impression, but
it is a lasting one.”
^^^^^^^^^^^
Clay was one of the world’s
great hypochondriacs. He cornered his
doctor one day, “Doc, I have been meaning to tell you, remember those voices I
was hearing in my head? I haven’t heard
them in a month.”
That is great news,
Clay. I am happy for you,” his doctor
said cautiously.
“There is nothing
wonderful about it,” said Clay miserably.
“Now my hearing is starting to go.”
From Woody
Did I read that sign right?
“TOILET
OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW.”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In a
Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC
WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In a
London department store:
BARGAIN
BASEMENT UPSTAIRS...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In an
office:
WOULD
THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER
STEPS WILL BE TAKEN.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In an
office:
AFTER
TEA BREAK, STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING
BOARD.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Outside
a second-hand shop:
WE
EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE
ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Spotted
in a safari park:
(I sure hope so.)
(I sure hope so.)
ELEPHANTS,
PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Seen
during a conference:
FOR
ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST
FLOOR.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Notice
in a farmer's field:
THE
FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Here
are some more newspaper headlines. Proofreading
is a dying art, wouldn't you say?
Man
Kills Self Before Shooting Wife And Daughter
----------
Something
Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Police
Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Panda
Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Miners
Refuse to Work after Death
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Juvenile
Court to Try Shooting Defendant
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
War
Dims Hope for Peace
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If
Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cold
Wave Linked to Temperatures
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Red
Tape Holds Up New Bridges
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Man
Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
New
Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Astronaut
Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kids
Make Nutritious Snacks
***********************************************
Local
High School Dropouts Cut in Half
**********************
Hospitals
are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Two
rats were munching on garbage in an alley.
One says to the other, “Did you hear about that new restaurant Gallios? It is so clean! The kitchen and floors are spotless. The whole place shines.”
“Please,”
the other rat said making a face, “not while I am eating.”
And
finally
The political campaigns
are getting really nasty. The Clinton
camp was going to make a big deal about the fact that Donald Trump used to date
women much younger than himself. Then
they realized the same could be said for Hillary…
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